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My country Rwanda has seen huge progress in various sectors these past couple of peaceful years...



Travis10 1 / 1  
Dec 5, 2016   #1
Highlight what you believe to be the most important issue facing your country today (for example, economic, education, healthcare, social or public policy) and articulate how achieving a Bachelor's degree from the University of Toronto, through the MasterCard Foundation Scholars Program, will empower you to tackle this issue and related challenges, in your home country.

My country Rwanda has seen huge progress in various sectors these past couple of peaceful years after Genocide against tutsi in 1994.However big issues are still facing Rwanda today.

In particular, Rwanda's economy has a poverty circle with a big number of population,low income levels, low investment that leads to low levels of productivity. About 65% of the total population live below poverty line because the majority of the total population are poor subsistence farmers who grow crops and rear animals just to feed themselves and their families in rural areas.

Furthermore, Rwanda's Youth statistical indicator states that unemployment in the country is highly increasing since 2000 and 42% of whose age is between 14 and 35 years are either unemployed or working or working on seasonal small scare agriculture.

Since July 2000, Vision 2020 is the official long-term vision of our government and September 2009,the government launched the Economic Development and Poverty Reduction Strategy,which is a mid term framework building upon the development aspirations of vision 2020 and the Millennium Goals (MGDs).

To get there,Rwanda must transform from a subsistence agriculture to a knowledge based society. Considering that the Rwandan youth remains the main resource of the country, Rwanda will never be able to achieve its economic visions if a large number of its youth is not highly educated.

Winning this scholarships will be of help to me and my country as well. I strongly believe that obtaining a Bachelor's degree of commerce at a highly reputable university like U of T which has professors who are some of the World's top researchers and most accomplished business professionals will contribute greatly to my country. I'll be equipped with world class entrepreneurial knowledge and connections to navigate business challenges and take advantage of new and emerging opportunities in my country.

I want to be a social entrepreneur who uses digital technology especially in education moreover,i'm planning to work hand in hand with the government to ensure that the youth develop the critical thinking capabilities that can be translated into entrepreneurial ideas for employment creation in the country.

That will power Rwanda to prosperity and create millions of jobs for youth to improve society and impact future generations.

Consequently,High levels of savings and private investment will also reduce country's dependence on external aid.

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 15400  
Dec 6, 2016   #2
Lambert, you should shorten the presentation of the problem that your country is facing because it covers a total of 2 paragraphs in an essay that should only be 2 paragraphs long. The best way to shorten your essay would be to simply present the unemployment data for unemployed youth population of the country. By doing this, you will focus on the real problem unemployed youth of your country and, later on, the relevance of this information through the Vision 2020 program of the government.

By the way, telling the reviewer that your country is living in relative peace at the moment is unnecessary. That is not a question being asked in the essay prompt and it is not information that can help to better inform the reviewer regarding the problem of unemployment in your country either. So when a piece of information is not really helpful in the overall essay, you should just remove that reference.

For a more relevant mention of the Vision 2020 of the Rwandan government, it would be best if you can discuss how this vision has inspired you to pursue higher studies instead of just explaining the goal of the program in countrywide terms. You should immediately present your idea that in order for the government program to succeed, then the college age youth of the country needs to be prepared to carry the responsibility of making this a reality through proper education and professional preparation. Which should be the purpose of your pursuing the Mastercard Scholarship at the U of T.

Basically, your essay should be complete within 2 paragraphs, properly focused using the directions i have given you above. The essay will be short, informative, and offer a clear overview of all the necessary data for the consideration of your scholarship application.
OP Travis10 1 / 1  
Dec 6, 2016   #3
@Holt I really really appreciate your review&help.
I made some mistakes as you said but this will help.
Thanks


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