Hello everyone! I need your help regarding my essay I wrote for my scholarship application. I am required to demonstrate how my own personal plans in terms of career plans/aims etc relates to the broader issue of my country's development. Thanks very much for your feedback and edits!
Having taken part in numerous organizations in different countries, I have witnessed and experienced the role of several internal and external dimensions in the organizations' success. However, in recent years, as a result of my business and social endeavours, I have become acquainted with marketing management, particularly its egalitarian and ethical aspects, and I aspire to pursue this interest with graduate courses and individual researches for many years to come.
After getting involved in this particular academic interest, not surprisingly, I started to do my own comparative analyses between Iran and several other countries. Thereafter, I came to the conclusion that the incapability to efficiently implement ethical marketing strategies has actually been hindering the social and economic development of Iran over the years. Additionally, the industrial marketing strategies have been unconnected to the academic researches and irrelevant to local needs and necessities. When this inefficiency is considered together with the weak link between academia and industry, it can be easily said that the obstacles which are faced in the area of marketing management are quite different in Iran than any other part of the world.
At this point, I want to become a scholar who has an orientation towards criticizing and altering social and business orders as a whole, in contrast to only understanding or explaining them. In this way, I will be able to create strong academic propositions which will trigger the changes on both academic and business settings in Ira. Therefore, during my master's degree studies, I will prioritize the advance my knowledge in the area of marketing to create the foundation for issuing this matter from a global perspective. Subsequently, by leaving the door open for future learnings from the master's degree courses, I hope to start producing the academic works towards efficient, egalitarian, and ethical context based marketing practices in Iran by contrasting Iran's facts with global standards. I strongly believe that my widespread experiences in Europe and Asia combined with future learnings from this master's programme will enable me to bring a unique perspective to this issue in Iran.
*This essay talks about Iran but you never mention if this is the country where you live. If this is where you live, you should mention this in your first paragraph so you can answer the question to the topic more clearly. Otherwise, it may seem as if you are choosing a country that you are interested in, but have no personal connection to.
The second sentence in the first paragraph you talk about organizations' success. Are you referring to the organizations successes that you took part in the different countries you mentioned in the first sentence? I would revise this because it could be a bit confusing. There are two ways to use the word endeavor. The British form is endeavours and the English form is endeavor. Which form are you trying to use? You don't have to add -es to research.
Please delete not surprisingly because it is a good sentence without this addition. How has the marketing strategies been unconnected? There is a misspelling of Iran in the third paragraph. Change the sentence when you discuss prioritizing advancing your knowledge. Do you mean that if you advance your knowledge in marketing you can address issues from a global perspective? I would change leave the door open and future learnings in this last paragraph. Another way to discuss leaving the door open would be to expand your knowledge. I'm describing it this way because I think you are open to constantly learning about the subject of marketing through those courses. However, future learnings can be described as future studies, because you will be studying marketing. Also, in the last sentence, the British form is programme but the English from is program? Which form are you trying to use?
First of all, thanks very much!
* There are several questions in the application pack and I am already mentioning where I am coming from in these questions. That's the reason why I didn't want to spend my word limit on it.
*Thanks for the word corrections and regarding the form, I am always using the British form.
* I will revise the essay with respect to your feedbacks and re-post! Once again, thank you!
In a few words, do you think this essay can be a persuasive one after the revisions ? I still have doubts that it might not be satisfactory at all.
In this way, I will be able to create strong academic propositions which will trigger the changes on both academic and business settings in Ira . Therefore, during my master's degree studies, I will prioritize
the advance my knowledge >> my advance knowledge in the area of marketing to create the foundation for issuing this matter from a global perspective.
>> There is wrong spelling, please pay more attention to it
thank you very much! In a few words, do you think this essay can be a persuasive one after the revisions ? I still have doubts that it might not be satisfactory at all.
overall, your essay is good
but, i would try correct some sentence for repairing your essay
its it is egalitarian and ethical aspects
to do doing my own comparative analyses between Iran and several other countries
which are faced faced in the area of marketing management are quite (i think quite is not a word of comparison) different in Iran than any other part of the world.
in contrast to only understanding or explaining them it is hard ti understand, i suggest you to put (,) after "in contrast"
academic and business settings in
I will prioritize the advance my knowledge the advance of my knowledge or to advance my knowledge