Scholarship Essay: education and experience at OIT and my goals.

I'm writing an essay (4000 words or less) about the following: How will your education and experience at OIT help you fulfill your future goals?

This is what I have so far and have only used 2825 of my 4000 words. Does anyone have any suggestions about what I have so far... Writing is not my strong suit by any stretch of the imagination. Thanks in advanced for any thoughts on it. :)

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When I think back at my life thus far, I find I common theme - perfection. My whole life, I have been driven to be the very best at everything that I do. As a high school student, I took an internship as a mechanical designer at a power transformer company. Terrified as to what I had gotten myself into, I hesitated keeping the internship because of the simple fact that I hadn't a clue what I was doing. I soon came to find out that this was common amongst most all employees of the company, let alone a high school student working in such a professional environment. Through the three and a half years of designing custom power transformers for the company, I learned that no matter what I do, I felt the need to be the very best. I learned to perfect my every action in my daily job. Whether it be being the most efficient, the most helpful, the most receptive with the factory, or anything else... I wanted to be the best at everything I did.

After deciding that I wanted to do something else aside from designing power transformers for the rest of my working career, I decided to go to school in order to get degrees in Mechanical Engineering and Manufacturing Engineering. I looked at many different schools, one of which was OIT, in search of perfection. No school came even close to OIT in my eyes. OIT showed me the very best in every aspect of the education and experience I'd receive. From the thorough in-class instruction to the hands-on approach in the vast majority of classes, OIT can't be beat. In addition to the quality education, OIT offered the finest professors as well as the finest quality of living of any institute.

Already in my second year at OIT, I have yet to be let down once with my OIT experience, even with my high expectations. The professors at OIT and expertise in their respective subjects are second to none. The professors have a real passion for teaching and a bountiful knowledge of each and every one of their classes. The professors also are always willing to give a helping hand to any student whom may be struggling. The fundamental knowledge and information provided by the instructors at OIT has been flawless. In addition to the quality education I'm receiving in my classes, I have also gained a great amount from my experience living in the Residence Hall at OIT. The way I've learned to interact better with my peers in a great living environment on campus has been a valuable asset to my education at experience at OIT.

All in all, OIT has provided a great perfect education and experience for me thus far. I feel that OIT is the best school to help me be the perfect employee I want to be once I graduate. OIT has made me feel that no matter who I go to work for after I graduate, I will be thoroughly prepared for the initial task and very successful over my career.

Oh, here is some very important advice: change the beginning to say "perfectionism" instead of "perfection." It sounds, at the start, like you're saying your life has been perfection, which sounds conceited. I know what you really mean, though. Perfectionism.

Throughout my whole life, I have been...

Strive for efficiency, for powerful writing:

After deciding that I wanted to do something other tha n else aside from designing ...

I say you should try to revise for conciseness, and also try writing a paragraph that will really inspire the reader, really apeal to his or her emotions in some way. Write about a passion related to some aspect of your educational program, something to which you apply perfectionism... make perfectionism the result of passion for your field of study. Impress the reader with your focus and drive toward success. If you make perfectionism your theme, you need to mention it in the last paragraph, or at least continue the idea somehow. The way to write well is to stay focused and eloquent.

:)

You have a fairly strong first draft here. Revising for conciseness is always a good idea. Of course, that will mean that the essay will be even shorter than it is now, whereas you were looking for ways to make it longer. You might want to consider expanding dramatically on this:

"already in my second year at OIT, I have yet to be let down once with my OIT experience, even with my high expectations. The professors at OIT and expertise in their respective subjects are second to none. The professors have a real passion for teaching and a bountiful knowledge of each and every one of their classes. The professors also are always willing to give a helping hand to any student whom may be struggling. The fundamental knowledge and information provided by the instructors at OIT has been flawless. In addition to the quality education I'm receiving in my classes, I have also gained a great amount from my experience living in the Residence Hall at OIT."

The above excerpt could benefit greatly from some specific anecdotes demonstrating how helpful the professors are, what you have learned from class, how living in residence has improved you, and so on.