Hi everyone!
I need your help with my essay. What can I improve or what points I need to add to make it more persuasive?
Thanks in advance,
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Q :
A:
I am enthusiastic when I hear information about AAS and always wanted to apply for this scholarship. For several years, I have learned about this AAS information from several awardee friends and from the internet. After being loaded by work duties, I could eventually manage my time to fill out this application form and made up my mind to start thinking of pursuing my master's degree in Australia.
The Website of AAS is very helpful as well, I knew all the information about AAS, and I have some colleagues that were awarded AAS before and through them about how to apply for an AAS scholarship and experience while studying in Australia.
In early 2021 with the start of the new normal era due to the pandemic affecting all countries in the world, I was enlightened by the understanding that I should be a better person by contributing to this difficult time, one of which is in the field of economic recovery. Because of my background and experience in the field of business development in the airline industry, one that has a very high impact due to pandemic. I did an explore on the AAS Website and MBA program brochures from Melbourne University that related to the courses that I am interested in and connect them to my future goals for my career, be the pride and honor of being a university alumnus in Australia through the AAS scholarship and also contribute to my country.
I need your help with my essay. What can I improve or what points I need to add to make it more persuasive?
Thanks in advance,
-------------------
Q :
Please describe the efforts you have undertaken so far to obtain information on your study options in Australia?
A:
I am enthusiastic when I hear information about AAS and always wanted to apply for this scholarship. For several years, I have learned about this AAS information from several awardee friends and from the internet. After being loaded by work duties, I could eventually manage my time to fill out this application form and made up my mind to start thinking of pursuing my master's degree in Australia.
The Website of AAS is very helpful as well, I knew all the information about AAS, and I have some colleagues that were awarded AAS before and through them about how to apply for an AAS scholarship and experience while studying in Australia.
In early 2021 with the start of the new normal era due to the pandemic affecting all countries in the world, I was enlightened by the understanding that I should be a better person by contributing to this difficult time, one of which is in the field of economic recovery. Because of my background and experience in the field of business development in the airline industry, one that has a very high impact due to pandemic. I did an explore on the AAS Website and MBA program brochures from Melbourne University that related to the courses that I am interested in and connect them to my future goals for my career, be the pride and honor of being a university alumnus in Australia through the AAS scholarship and also contribute to my country.