My father's humble background began in a nondescript, tiny village in South India, attending a non-English medium school where the dropout rate was high due to lack of finances to see through most children's education. Determined to not forego his schooling, my father worked hard to excel academically thereby fulfilling his dream of attending college and later, University. His personal story struck a deep chord in me and impressed upon me the importance of attaining education as a means to remain competent in the corporate bubble. Unlike most Indian fathers who raise daughters, mine has always prioritized equal opportunities through education, after experiencing his youthful setbacks and trials.
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Is there something more to work on? any and all suggestions welcome!
Please state in the space provided below or on a separate sheet of paper, in your own words, the reasons for this application. Some indication of your financial situation would be helpful. We would also like to know about any achievements you are proud of (academic and/or otherwise) and how you expect your studies to influence your future career. You can also mention how you feel the scholarship and studying at a UK Higher Education Institution will benefit you (and /or your community) when you return home.
Hello my edits and suggestions are below:
My father's humble background began in a nondescript, tiny village in South India, attending a non-English medium school where the dropout rate was high due to lack of finances to see through most children's education. Determined to not forego his schooling, my father worked hard to excel academically thereby fulfilling his dream of attending college and later, (a) University. His personal story struck a deep chord in me and impressed upon me the importance of attaining education as a means to remain competent in the corporate bubble. (After experiencing his youthful setbacks and trials, (my father) has always prioritized equal opportunities through education, unlike most Indian fathers who raise daughters) .< I reworded this last sentence. ( Place a sentence here transitioning us to the next paragraph, maybe how your fathers beliefs gave you sympathy for animals or something of that nature.)
My concern and instinctive sympathy for animal welfare (is what) compelled me to help set up the local chapter of PAWS, a shelter organization dedicated to rescuing abandoned animals. The most memorable accomplishment I recall with clarity is , (was) when a campaign personally spearheaded by me,(decided?) to shut down illegal breeding facilities, (this) received widespread attention and exceeded the fund target by several thousands, thus enabling us to petition the Ministry to conduct successful crackdowns on unchecked cases of animal cruelty. The campaign was propelled into the social limelight, which bore testimony to the powers of perseverance, vigilance and determination to be the united voice for the voiceless. What continues to produce a deep satisfaction for me is the knowledge of having been a part of the team from the very beginning, working tirelessly (a)round the clock to ensure the physical safety of all animals( are) under our protective wings. I do strongly believe that the present position of PAWS as a regionally recognized rescue shelter adds another feather to my cap. ( Transition:))
My passion for technology is based on an intense desire to acquire a broad range of effective computing skills that would lead to making significant contributions across a wider network globally. An extensive online research on information systems brought me to the University of XXX 's computing department. ( Elaborate more on your passion for technology here)
(Make this your closing)
I was delighted to find that one of the best pioneering computing schools in the UK offered an accredited course combining business and technical modules to graduates from all disciplines. The accreditation status proved a strong factor in helping me decide to apply for a place on this course and subsequently accepted. I strongly feel that the collaborative and diverse study environment would influence my ability to work with a broad age group(s) with on planning, developing, executing and delivering live projects in the technical side within any business organization. I am confident that( no comma needed) by being accorded the privilege of receiving the prestigious -----scholarship, the award would serve to strengthen my mental and physical ability in advancing my career progression in a managerial capacity. Nothing would give me greater personal happiness than the vision of becoming academically and professionally well regarded. The prestige associated with being a scholastic merit student would help me achieve my dream of serving the community locally and internationally. I intend to do this by contributing and enabling educational materials through MOOCs, ensuring equal opportunities are made available to people uniformly, especially from developing countries and last, but not least, serve as an inspiration to the next potential candidate to pass on the proverbial baton of knowledge.
Is there something more to work on? any and all suggestions welcome!
Hello! I would like to share this is a great essay start! Your paragraphs are well developed, you are very a very talented scholar and inspirational! I added a few words, took some commas out, but my main concern is your transitioning from paragraph to paragraph. I recommend you use sentences at the beginning and end of your body paragraphs to link your story together. I gave you an example in your introduction. Otherwise, it looks like three paragraphs standing alone. Link it all together! Give the scholarship judges a clear picture of yourself and how one accomplishment led to another. It will make your essay stronger.
Good luck!
