Food Technology programme relates closely to the recommended subject for my country

scholarship application essay

Hello
I am applying for a scholarship, please provide your comment on my following essay:

1)What skills and knowledge do you hope to gain from your proposed programme of study?

My proposed programme of study is Food Technology which relates to the study subject recommended for my country "food security and Agriculture" as it deals with the processing, preserving and manufacturing of safe, wholesome and nutritious food products thereby making food available and accessible to individuals. As a graduate of Food Science and Technology, I acknowledge that I lack some practical experience in food processing technology which is why I hope that a Masters degree in Massey University, New Zealand would expand my knowledge in food technology and food processing and enable me gain more experience in research and new analytical methods. During my proposed programme of study, I hope to develop new skills in food processing technology and be able to suggest processing conditions for the manufacture and development of high quality food products. I hope to acquire an in-depth knowledge of modern food processing techniques and post-harvest technologies. I also hope to achieve skills in the research and development of new food products and processes and also gain an in-depth knowledge required to develop functional foods that will help to reduce the risk of developing lifestyle diseases. I hope to acquire problem solving skills and creative thinking that will enable me to recognize problems and their causes, and then proffer possible solutions. I hope to improve my communication skills through discussions, debates and practicing written and oral presentation of projects. Finally. I hope to demonstrate an ability to manage my time effectively and meet up deadlines.

Hello! How are you doing?

I just finished to read your essay.
Do you need to return to your country after the end?
I think your proposal is really good, but maybe you could talk a little bit about how you could contribute to the country that offers you the scholarship.

This essay is nothing more than one run-on sentence after another. The length of each sentence, coupled with the multiple ideas presented within each sentence makes the total essay confusing to read. It is difficult for the reviewer to keep track of what you are saying. That means, he will also fail to consider if your essay actually responds to the prompt requirements. What is the maximum word count for this essay? If you are limited in word count then the essay must also be limited in response scope. That means, pick one or 2 important points to discuss regarding skills and knowledge. One per topic. That way you can focus on properly explaining yourself regarding why the skill and knowledge will be important to your career once you return to your country. Give a more direct response to the single question. Don't write so much that all you managed to do was write an introduction to the response instead of the actual response. Reviewers always appreciate essays that respond to the question in the first 3 sentences of the first paragraph. Your essay will not increase the interest of the reviewer in learning more about you in relation to the prompt, it will instead, make him move on to the next applicant. Why? You just took too long to get to the point.