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Home benefits; being in a position to assist my country, Nigeria (Commonwealth shared scholarship).

ChiObi 2 / 8 1  
Mar 10, 2017   #1
Please help me review this essay and rate the quality.thank you

How does your proposed plan of study relates to a development need.
Say how on your return, you would apply your skills and knowledge and what outcome you hope to achieve.
How would the potential benefits on the impact be measured.

Counting on a job in the Nigerian ministry of health

Not everything that counts in life can be counted and the value of good health is unquantifiable. I grew up fascinated by the prospect of being in a position to assist my country, Nigeria and our people who suffer from an extremely undeveloped healthcare system that serves mostly the rich. As an important element of national development and security, public health not only functions to provide adequate and timely medicalcare but also track, monitor, and control disease outbreak. It's unfortunate that year after year, issues of HIV, tuberculosis, maternal-child death, child mortality with a high case of malaria continue to cause havoc in the public health sector. Hence, there is need to tackle these problems. Today, an estimated 100million malaria cases and about 300,000 deaths each year make Nigeria the country with the highest number of malaria casualties worldwide. Malaria is responsible for 60% of outpatients visits to health facilities, 30% of childhood deaths, 25% of deaths in children under one year and 11% of maternal deaths. Despite the so many gains in malaria prevention and treatment, the widespread prevalence of counterfeit, substandard medicines, malpractices and corruption are contributing to the alarmingly high number of malaria deaths and costs of healthcare in Nigeria. Studying a Master's in Public Health and Health Promotion in XXXXX university would be a timely achievement with respect to Nigeria's quest to recover from issues deteriorating the public health sector of the economy.

Upon completion of this course, I am sure to avail a position within the Federal Ministry of Health to assist in development and implementation of new methods to promote and maintain public health that are economically grounded, culturally feasible and realistic. Asides securing a job, I will startup a foundation, its objectives are to collaborate with "National Primary Healthcare Development Agency" to achieve low cost primary healthcare centers in Nigeria and "Malaria action Programme for states" together with "National malaria control Programme" to carry out projects on health promotion at different rural/urban communities in the country fighting against Malaria. Not only will attention be given to malaria but also to other infectious/chronic diseases. The outcome of this project would give people access to quality primary healthcare centers at community levels. Through this project, people would not only be enlightened but also protect themselves and children against Malaria thereby giving room to achieve the nation's priority of a "Malaria Free Nigeria".

In respect to how the success of my works would be measured, this would be seen in an increased growth of low cost primary healthcare centers starting from the northern region as these ones makeup the impoverished population of Nigeria, building new ones and equipping existing ones. Also, through successful completion of projects on health promotion/outreach and distribution of health related materials to ensure a Malaria free Nigeria and prevention from other diseases. After each implemented project, there would be a follow up after few months to get feedback from service users and these would be uploaded on website/social media platforms.

eiriashhar 4 / 14 4  
Mar 11, 2017   #2
Its the future goal essay, right? Or is it the study plan itself. It do answers the given prompt but not enough. In the first paragraph, rather than just relating your whole study plan in single line makes the presentation loose, Studying a Master's in Public Health (...) deteriorating the public health sector of the economy. Rather than just saying the masters program will help you, it would be much better if you could explain how your courses and your research/thesis would work to benefit Nigeria in a more explanatory way. Work on it and then we will see how to move forward on working on your presentation. Good luck
OP ChiObi 2 / 8 1  
Mar 11, 2017   #3
Thank you very much for taking your time on my essay, I appreciate your comment but the issue is that there is a section to explore how each course modules will help me achieve my aim and that is the OBJECTIVE DURING THE AWARD but I didn't paste it here or do you still think I should expand it still under this section
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,117 3262  
Mar 11, 2017   #4
Chinwendu, if you are going to be helping in eradicating the Malaria problem in your country, you must first indicate that this is a problem which your national government takes seriously enough to turn into a government health project. That is what the "development need" portion of the essay is referring to. By referring to a government project that you will be able to assist in either developing, implementing, or propagating after you graduate from the MS course, you will have an actual application for the skills, knowledge that you gained. Be specific about the section of the Malaria problem that you will hope to use your skills in and indicate an expected outcome on your part by relating how you plan to participate in the management of that problem. By presenting the outcome of the project, you should be able to ideally, develop a practical way of monitoring the success of your program that the scholarship should be able to monitor. Remember, the plan of study relates to your masters thesis project. So you have to make sure that you do not deviate from the project proposal for your thesis research. I do not see an indication of this thesis being a part of the plans that you have written in this response. You should develop that representation in the essay. Let me be clear though, the last 2 paragraphs have portions that you can use for your revised essay, provided these are in line with your masters thesis proposal. So the majority of the revision in your presentation should be in the first paragraph, where you should state the thesis statement with an explanation of how this relates to the government project against Malaria.
okorobiadimma14 6 / 82 50  
Mar 11, 2017   #5
Chinwedu, I understand that this particular scholarship supports some selected taught Master's courses. Perhaps, you may have received an academic offer from your chosen university without sending-in a proposal for your thesis research which, in terms of taught Master's courses in most UK varsities, is possible. If that is the case, I suggest you create a research proposal in an area of Public Health that addresses a specific problem malaria has caused in your country which the government has taken cognizance of. As you have been rightly advised, it will enhance your ability to precisely draft a plan of study that tends towards a development need.

For instance, let's assume that malaria is a health issue of public concern in your country. Who does it affect most; children, pregnant women, elderly men or women? Does it worsen another ailment or lead to other physiological disorder at certain stages, does it cause an infection to proliferate, and so on. Which of these probable instances has the government of your country made a case of national concern and/or established a programme or project to tackle. From these lines of thought, you could come up with specific problem that made malaria a health issue of public concern and then tell the reviewer how your course will avail you the knowledge and skills to contribute in tackling this problem. Surely, this should reflect in your research proposal even though you may not have submitted any at the time you applied to the program.

One thing with being specific is that it will make it easier for you to state the outcome of your work and how the possible impact of your work could be measured. By the time you create a thesis statement, as Holt rightly pointed out, which relates to a development need in respect to your plan of study, then the rest of your essay will flow along in that direction. It is usually better to identify a problem than problems because you alone cannot solve all the health cases that have a link with malaria as stated in the instances above. Note that the examples of malaria cases cited earlier are only meant to help you think outside the box while drafting your revised essay.

As regards your course modules, I don't think the word count would be sufficient for you to state how each course will help you achieve your aim. I am afraid that might take your attention away from the main thing. Since the prompt question asks how your plan of study relates to a development need in your country, I suggest that you select just few that relate to your thesis statement, and talk about the skills they will avail you with regard to the problem you have identified. This is because, being taught Master's course, the program may have a lot of modules including optional subjects. You can imagine the number of sentence lines you would create if you discuss each module. I think you should cite your modules but not all of them.

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