My long-term goals are based on the experience I am looking forward to gain - Chevening

Please help me evaluate this essay

Career Plan question

Although Egypt has great architectural history and possesses excellent efficiency to teach modern architecture, the country is turning into an ugly cement jungle That's why a prolonged process of architectural transformation, is needed in Egypt. Which its impact can be seen on the social and investment levels

My first immediate plan upon returning home is to play a major role in this process that will push forward the architectural paradigm.
The concept of "Sustainability" will be my main point of concentration. Alignment with "Egypt's Vision 2030" and its strategy for sustainable development I will try to spread the concept among architects and laymen to show its importance. My job as a lecturer at the architecture department of the faculty of fine arts will aid me in playing this role. Being a lecturer enables me to reach a lot of professional architects and ambitious students through workshops, seminars, and conferences.

Further, I plan to apply for a job at a construction company and I would like to be responsible for sustainability, environmental management, and the follow-up of materials and products. I will focus on the construction field as a main factor that affects realizing sustainability, there is deficiency happens because of noticeable difference between the environmental design and construction as a result of the cost factor. I would very much like to solve this problem, which is a hindrance to achieving the sustainable development

Further, to achieve the role, which I dream of playing, I will engage in non-governmental and non-profitable activities. I will set up a non-governmental organization that will organize and regulate the relation between, the private and the public construction companies. The connections and relations that I will gain from the Chevening experience will facilitate the achievement of such a dream. In line with UK priorities according to DFID (Department for international development) to achieve the SDGs (The sustainable development goals) Sharing my experience knowledge to move forward development of Egypt

As a part of my career plan, I want to become an authorized professional at LEED (Leadership in Energy and Environmental Design). And I am sure that the gained course experience will help me to reach this goal. This will happen because it will provide me with the useful knowledge, from which I can start studying the different evaluation systems.

My long-term goals are based on the experience I am looking forward to gaining it. I want to start my own eco-friendly construction company. I want to participate in the making of magnificent and efficient constructions, which will combine the historical and modern identity of Egypt. More, I aspire to make a change to the architecture business in my country and make market transformation. My ambitious character and my ability to make critical decisions concerning my profession will be my base for these goals.

Hadeer, this essay is pretty much complete and only needs little development and proof reading. Please double check for missing punctuation marks and revise all sentences that start with "And". This is an academic essay and therefore, must follow the proper grammar rules when it comes to writing. You cannot start an academic sentence with "And" since that is a connecting word. Do not start two successive paragraphs with the word "Further" because that creates a redundancy. It creates reader boredom. You can start the next sentence simply with "To achieve this role..." Try to better develop your reference to the UK priorities in your country by making the DFID statement a separate paragraph. Develop that discussion because that is one of the major considerations for your post study plan. The stronger the UK connection, the better for your application consideration. You obviously have some pretty strong career plans and ideas as to how to achieve them. That is admirable of you. Just clean up the points I mentioned and the essay should be good to go.

@Hadeer
Your overall essay is nice and covers all necessary points. You need to work more on how you begin paragraphs, the contributor above raised the same point "Do not start two successive paragraphs with the word "Further" that creates a redundancy. It creates reader boredom." I believe she didn't mean to change one of them, the 2 furthers should be developed, you already did one. I assume you can replace the second further with "Building on the results I get from my first goal, I plan to work .."

The first paragraph needs a better opening that "Although", if I were you would go this way > Egypt has a great architectural history and possesses excellent efficiency to teach modern architecture, but worryingly, the country is turning into an ugly cement jungle."

I hope this helps you. Good luck!

@khaledition
Thank you for your valuable feedback ,, i'll read your essay and try to give you a feedback

You need to work on developing your project plan that will coordinate in efforts witht he DFID. While this is only a potential project and may or may not materialize, you have to present a solid plan that explains who you plan to get into the front door with DFID. What sort of preliminary collaborative actions can you take you become a part of the organization so that you can eventually share your bigger plans with them? After that, give an idea as to what sort of "big" plan you will be developing that the DFID can, as far are concerned, will be interested in supporting / funding. Overall the essay has developed into a good second incarnation. You fully understood what I expected you to correct when I said "furtherrmore" was a redundancy. Your change made the 2 connected sentences more involved and engaging to read. Save for the UK project that needs an expanded discussion, the essay has come along very well for you. Once you improve on the UK discussion, this should be all set to submit.