Dear, @Holt and everyone
Please kindly review my essay AAS scholarship below, all of your advice will be my pleasure and gratitude to say thanks and all the best wishes for us.
WHY DID YOU CHOOSE YOUR PROPOSED COURSE AND INSTITUTION?
Indonesia targets to achieve the pre-elimination phase of malaria by 2020. This target still seems difficult to be achieved in eastern Indonesia. Based on data in 2019, Papua province has the highest Annual Parasite Incidence index (API 50.62%). The data shows that not all regions of Indonesia will reach the pre-elimination phase, especially Papua.
Malaria is a life-threatening disease, but can be prevented and cured. The fact is the strategies and programs that have been made can't reduce malaria morbidity in Papua. To improve government policies on dealing with malaria in Papua must be supported by valid data, accurate information, and accurate analysis results, and all of that can be obtained from quality research. Studying the Master of Health Research will help me overcome this gap.
I chose to study at Menzies School of Health Research, Charles Darwin University. They're global leaders in tropical research in the Asia-Pacific and have many experts on tropical diseases. They've credibility and experience in malaria research in Eastern Indonesia. They also work with the Papua Community and Health Development Foundation in Timika. They've alumni like Dr. Jeanne Rini Poespoprodjo, who has received many awards for her contributions in the field of malaria in Papua.
My second preference is the master of infectious diseases at The University of Western Australia. The University provides a comprehensive course structure such as coursework units with either research projects or research practices and extended research projects. Another consideration is that the multicultural environment in Western Australia can help me build broader connections. Both institutions will provide me with a solid foundation for pursuing a research career in malaria.
There is still time to reach the malaria elimination target by 2030. Through research in the field of malaria, I can assist the government in developing effective policies in dealing with malaria in Papua. That can be achieved by studying in a developed country like Australia, which has been able to eliminate malaria since 1981.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,527 3444
You are way over the word count, without spaces. You need to shorten the back story about the Malaria program in your country. Don't use it as the opening and closing paragraphs of the response. Discuss all of that in one paragraph alone. Revise the presentation to compress the thoughts within and instead, simply say that Papua is suffering from a Malaria outbreak, the government hopes to eradicate the problem by 2030 and you hope to be one of the people helping to achieve that. So instead of 3 separate paragraphs, you will have 1 clear and concise presentation of those discussion factors which clearly explain why you chose your course on a professional basis.
For the reference to Charles Darwin University, it would be better for your essay to not mention any professors from the university in such a short manner. In fact, the mention is not required. The ultra important information, pertaining to the work the university does in cooperation with your country is actually the strongest reason you have for choosing the university as your first option.
As for the University of Western Australia, remove the last sentence. It is a throw away and uses valuable character count. Instead, explain why you view the network the university will help you create is important to your studies and your final goal of curing Malaria in the future. That should be the sole focus of your reasoning.
If you edit the content of the essay based on my suggestions, You should find that the essay will come in under or exactly on the word count. Keep editing the essay in terms of word count until you reach the 2000 character mark or less. Focus on shorter but informative sentence development in your paragraphs.
The objectives and reasons on your master studies are pretty clear and good. I think the only your essay lack is your background. You should explain your current experiences or your bachelor study and connecting it with the reason why do you want to take a master study.
Hope one day I could have such a great writing skill as yours!!!
Thank you @dbooker,
This is my first experience writing an ASS application and I think I still need more learning. For that, I need feedback from you guys.
Thank you for the advice. The reason I didn't mention that is because I will explain that in the essay on "How the proposed study contributes to your career". I also assume that the Committee will know my background from the qualification and curriculum vitae data.