Short essay for merit based scholarship; your interest in the programme/field of study

complete case :

University Scholarships are awarded based solely on applicants academic merit. Elaborate, in less than 1000 characters, your interest in the programme/field of study and why your application should be selected.

My answer:

first and fastest graduate

Graduated with cum laude title (GPA 3.60 of 4.0) as the first and fastest graduate among my colleagues in the class (Rank 1 of 158) for economic major from the best economic public school in Indonesia by writing a complex thesis "analyzing the impact of structural adjustment program on Indonesian economic", has proven my proficiency in academic particularly in data analysis and forecasting data by IT tools such as STATA and Eviews. Moreover, in 2010, I was chosen to be my school delegation in an international student congress by Australian Embassy, selected as a chief of Research & Development for Economic Student Association and involved in many researches by assisting professors. After 4 years working in the biggest IT Company in the country and won as the best account manager twice in 2014 and 2015, it inspires me to own an IT startup for voyage therefore I want to broaden my knowledge particularly in IT management and I found your University has aspects what I am looking for.

Surya, double check your capitalization work in the statement. You more than once failed to capitalize proper nouns / titles in your writing. The title of your thesis work should be capitalized as it is the name of a formal academic document. In your opening statement, just indicate that you wrote a complex thesis, give the title, and the graduation honor you received. The reviewer will already know what your grades where when you graduated because you are submitting your transcript of records along with this application statement. Cut the statement down to the bare and essential facts only. Correct the word "economic" in your thesis title to reflect the more proper term "economy" instead. The next sentence should also change the term to "academic proficiency". You should not mention that you assisted many professors because you cannot quantify the number of professors, the research topic titles, and the results of the research. That makes this information incomplete and as such, will only confuse your statement. Don't just say you worked at the biggest IT company, tell the reviewer what company that is because he may want to verify the claims you are making. That is part of the screening process these days. So far, those are the errors that require the most attention in this paper. Once you make the corrections, the statement can be considered to be in usable form already.