"New beginning, new HOPE" The KGSP Personal Statement essay

Hello there..I'm jimmy ..my English is not that good so I need your help guys.

Here's the Instructions :

- Motivations with which you apply for this program

- Personal background in family and education

- Significant experiences you have had; risks you have taken and achievements you have made, persons or events that have had a significant influence on you

- Extracurricular activities such as club activities, community service activities or work experiences

engineers are problem-solvers

When I was a kid my father took me to Giad industrial city to see his friend who work there ,the big machines and products amazed me but what really attracted me is the ability of engineers to design, develop, manufacture and install everything there accurately and smoothly .It was the beginning of my passion to become an engineer and since then has become my purpose, I believe that engineers are problem-solvers that why I choose to become a Mechanical engineer to solve today's problems and make future solutions by creating technologies to meet human needs, also I'm willing to do Research and make value progress in my field especially in biomedical industry like making better, more lifelike artificial limbs in order to improve quality of life for injured and disabled people and change lives.

Family is not an important thing ,it's everything .My parents influence on me was huge , they raised us to become self-reliant, confident and open-minded. We didn't have a lot of money so I had to see my parents working and struggling to get us good education ,seeing this flamed a deep desire inside me and help me to overcome every challenge, now I thank them for that, for preparing me and teaching me how to face the world on my own. In school I got excellent results and academic achievements, I studied in public primary school and graduated as the best student in the class, as a result I earned a seat in one of the best high schools in Sudan.

Over the past few years, not only I have grown physically, but grown to be more responsible, adaptable and able handle any circumstances. In my last year in high school things got out hand, we had to move from our home because of the expensive rent ,the owner didn't give us much time to leave so I had to work after school to help out, I couldn't focus on my study anymore until the final exams was about to begin, I lock myself up to prepare and put doubled-effort on study to catch up what I miss. Eventually I passed the exams and succeed, ever since I believed where there's a will, there's a way.

I had the chance to participated in different voluntary activities; I was part group of youth from several ages ,among many activities we provided food and clothes in winter in the suburban areas of Khartoum, Also we organized "Clean my city" project and make many neighborhoods in Khartoum clean and healthy, although we made Neighborhood Library and provided books to any who want to read. Addition to organizing and presenting exhibitions in different topics, that gave me opportunity to work closely with groups of engineering students from AAU university in Engineer Week with my brother who study there, as a result I was more adaptive to different standpoints about my future major and that encouraged me more and more to achieve my goal and become an Engineer.

Hi Jimmy :

Here is my little review on your essay, hoping this may help you.
Try making it descriptive.

When i was a kid, my father took me visiting his friend whom working in the industrial city of Giad.Never did i amazed by those heavy machines or its production but the engineers ability dealing with design, develops, manufacture and every single plan process which being install accurately and smoothly were the most captivating eyed-sight of mine. Up to that point, i had been passionate to be an engineer in the future and since then that was my purpose in life.

I do believe that engineers are problem-solvers owing to the fact that the reasonable motives why i choose to be a Mechanical Engineer in order to come up with today's problems and make a better tomorrow.

Jimmy, the essay that you wrote is very good in the sense that is responds very well to the prompt. However, your educational presentation needs to be improved. The information in that section needs to show that you have an interest in Math, physics, algebra, and other sciences that are related to Engineering. Talk about your interest in those subjects and how this interest was further heightened by that trip you took with your father. That way, you not only inform the reviewer about your education and foundation in Engineering, but also show that you have a solid foundation and interest in the topic that will help you to become a good engineering student. Not only that, but you will also prove that your engineering interest is very strong and is the logical next step in your educational career. You need to rearrange the content of the essay to speak of the family first, your point of view about life, your academic accomplishments, your extra curricular activities, and finally, your motivation for applying for the program. Make sure you also explain why you chose to study in Korea instead of in your home country so that your motivation becomes two fold instead of singular in purpose.