The Reasons Of Study Preferences - I chose the Journalism Department

I would like to apply a scholarship and I should make an essay and got this prompt
Please express the reasons for your department/ program of study preferences and briefly explain how your educational background relates to your preferences.
I want you to read my essay and give me some suggestions.

Journalism and socialising with others

I chose the Journalism Department as I feel the program is necessary in this era of globalization. Journalism education is not just the study of news writing techniques, but it's also about learning how to obtain and communicate information properly. Every subject in journalism is vitally important to our society and it challenges me to learn more. The knowledge gained through the study of journalism doesn't come only from the classroom, but also from experiences outside the classroom.

Although, I'm a science student at school, my passion lies in socialising with others. I'm proficient at science, and I also have excellent communication skills. Studies that I have gained in journalism club have made me more interested in learning about journalism. I also often follow leadership workshops organized by the Indonesian Student Youth Forum, journalism workshops that are organized by the young journalist community, and videography workshops that are organized by the U.S. Embassy. It was further convinced me that I have to develop what it is that I like most. In the future, I can definitely be a good journalist which could provide useful information for the public. I can develop the delivery of information in accordance with the technological advances that occur at that time.

I think it's good enough. However, you could try to put one or two more reasons. Show them that you want this field more than your background allow you to try this field.

@Deas
I think that you have to elaborate more n your intro, you got into the topic so quickly without introduction.
Second point I think you have to add evidences of being good communicator, ...etc , rather than mentioning it without proving.

Dewi, when you speak of your study preferences, this means that you have to explain to the reviewer why you believe that studying journalism is important to you and most specially, how you plan to learn about the subject as a student at their university. Relate your study preferences to the career that you have planned for your future. The response should not be about your ideas or understanding of journalism. The response should reflect how journalism will be a part of your future as a career. Hence the requirement for a study preference explanation. What do you plan to concentrate on as a journalism major? Do you want to be an investigative journalist? An opinion writer? What? Those are the topics to be covered in your study preference.

Since you do not have any experience in journalism other than the extra curricular activities, you should not mention that you were a science major. Instead, tell the reviewer that your experience in journalism is extra curricular based. However, the extra curricular activity helped you to gain an academic understanding of the course to a certain degree. The prompt expects that you already have some sort of background in journalism which is why it was worded that way. So you need to explain yourself to the reviewer in order o help him understand why you do not have sufficient background academically in the course, but should still be considered as a contender for admission.

@Holt
Thank you for your help. And I've re-write my answer. But I think, I just need to rewrite the second paragraph. How about you?

Journalism has become part of my life. The knowledge that I have learned during joining in the club and books which I have published, has given me much academic understanding and led me to develop my interest and made me meet with various journalists and writers from several regions. It really motivated me to be better understand the journalism. I believe journalism can take me become a great writer, make me add my works in the media, as well as journalists like that I always dreamed of.

I hope you can help me to solve this prompt easily.

You should still revise the first paragraph based upon the instructions that I gave you earlier. However, if you really do not wish to revise that paragraph, I cannot force you to do so. That is after all, your prerogative. In my opinion, there is a lack of personal connection between your course of study and your reasons for pursuing it in the vein that the prompt requires. Again, that is just my opinion. The essay itself though, should only reflect what you want it to reflect.

As for the second paragraph, it lacks a clear academic reference as indicated in the prompt. Did you not attend any journalism seminars, creative writing classes, or anything that relates to previous academic training in this field? We need some sort of academic training to refer to in relation to your study preferences. At the moment, the paragraph still does not work.

Kindly consider all of the specific prompt requirements. Tell me if you understand what is required of you to write or not. If you do not understand the prompt requirements, then I will do my best to explain it to you. Right now, this isn't going to work well as a written representative of your application.

@Holt
How should I change the first paragraph?
And for the second paragraph, I'm confused to arrange the sentence if I write my experiences in journalism seminars or creative writing classes.
I hope you can help me.

In the first paragraph, you can change the discussion to become more appropriate by discussing your personal reasons for becoming a journalist rather than presenting these well known facts and generalized sentiments that people have about journalism. Before you write the paragraph, ask yourself "Why do I want to become a journalist?". List down your answers to the question and then use those reasons to build your reasons for your study preference in Journalism.

As for the second sentence, you can open the paragraph by saying something like "While I do not have formal academic education in Journalism, I do have a foundation of knowledge in the field based upon seminars and training I have previously attended. I attended (list the seminars and training you attended along with the dates of attending) ..." That presentation should be the best way to respond to the requirement. Write that paragraph and I will try to see if there is a better way of presenting the information.

@Holt
I've re-write my answer as you told. So, this is my new answer.

I chose the Journalism Department as I feel the program is necessary for this era of globalization. Journalism education is not just the study of news writing techniques, but it's also about learning how to obtain and communicate information properly. Why should I do journalism? Because I want to develop my interest in journalism. I want to know more about how to become a professional journalist. Other than that, I want to add my works to be a great writer because I want to be known through my writing. Being a journalist made me learn a wide range of knowledge in all areas so that I can present useful information to others.

While I do not have formal academic education in Journalism, I do have a foundation of knowledge in the field based upon seminars and training I have previously attended. I attended journalism workshops that were organized by the young journalist community on September 2015 and videography workshops that were organized by the U.S. embassy on November 2016. Joining the writing club in my school and books which I have published, have motivated me to better understand the journalism field. I believe journalism can make me become a great writer, make me add my works to the media, as well as journalists like I have always dreamed.

In the first paragraph remove the line that says "Because I..." in an academically developed response, the word "Because" cannot be used to start a sentence. While you can do that in informal writing, you need to follow the grammar writing rules when writing application responses. Removing that line will not affect the information in the paragraph. It will instead, strengthen the paragraph because you focused immediately on the personal reasons for your interest.

In the second paragraph, you have to capitalize the names of the organizations that you joined because those are proper nouns. You have to capitalize the word "U.S. Embassy " as well because that is the formal title of a place of residence or government office. If you insist on mentioning that you are a published author, you need to specify the title of your book(s), date(s) of publication, and publishing house. That is because the reviewer might wish to confirm that you are telling the truth about your writing experience by looking up your supposed published books. Doing so and having confirmation of your publication(s) may just be what is required to make your statement more notable in the eyes of the reviewer. One or two of your published works, the ones that you feel best reflect your writing ability, would be the best to present in the statement.

@Holt
I chose the Journalism Department as I feel the program is necessary for this era of globalization. I want to develop my interest in journalism. I want to know more about how to become a professional journalist. Other than that, I want to add my works to be a great writer as I want to be known through my writing. Being a journalist made me learn a wide range of knowledge in all areas so that I can present useful information to others.

How about this? How I can strengthen my first paragraph?

That depends upon how many words you are allowed to write. Remember, you have to be brief in your representation so you should not write more than 100 to 200 words at the most. I am assuming that this is just one of a series of essays that you need to write for your application right? Therefore, a simple and straightforward response will be best. You strengthen the paragraph, describe the kind of writer you want to become as a journalist. Will you be a beat reporter? A correspondent? A contributor, an opinion writer, an editorial writer... what kind of journalist do you hope to become? Pick one kind of reporter and develop an explanation of why you want to become a representative of that kind of writer. Offer 100 words per paragraph. That will be brief enough to describe your response to the two questions provided to you.