Hi I hope you take time to read my essay and will be happy to hear your feedback for me to improve it and make it stronger. Thanks.
the challenge I faced didn't stop me from getting my education
I was born in the province of ________with my parents and brothers. I remember back when I was 15 and about to graduate in high school, I decided that I will be taking up my bachelor's degree in ______, the capital of my country. As my parents agreed, I live independently in the city away from my family to achieve my goals. In the middle my college days the crucial part of my life happened were we almost lost everything we have and my education will be at stake I have decided to be a working student and support my needs. Education is very important to me and the challenge I faced will not stop me from getting my Bachelor's degree. As I experienced this, I have learned that life is full of opportunities and challenges that will make you smarter, matured and dedicated that eventually will turn you to a better version of yourself. Since then the hard work and determination have always been part of everything I do.
With perseverance and optimism, I graduated Bachelor of Science in Hotel and Restaurant Management at ___________ with very good academic performance and I became as Assistant Manager. Since I started working I've always deal with different people in the business from various guests to diverse company employees. When I enter the industry, my career path was consistently focused on giving quality service and satisfaction to guests and eventually I handled different key results area from human resource management to drive-thru management and service quality management. Part of human resource management is I became a training manager and I have spent time and effort to employees' training and development. As I fulfill my duties, I saw different kind of employees and progress from people skills level to attitude and behavior. With all the functions I handle, I realize that I want to focus on human resource management and this is the area I wanted to improve. I need to broaden my knowledge to develop my skills and I believe that having Master's degree in Business Administration major in Human Resource Management will make me more equipped and capable under this field.
My interest, experiences and the people I've worked and encountered motivate me to pursue graduate school. When I became one of the leaders that run the business operations I have learned a lot about people inside the business and service management. I have always enjoyed the operations but when opportunity came to handle human resource management I have thought that I want to focus on employee relations, recruitment, benefits and training and development, everything under this field. When I handle training I've met many employees and saw their different takes on training. Being a manager I need to measure and use different leadership styles to employees. But one thing I realize is that I always wanted to motivate, coach and support people to educate them in their roles. I apply for this program because I believe that this will be a great challenge and opportunity to broaden my knowledge and will make me better and ready on the field that I want to concentrate to. Enrolling in this scholarship program will make me more qualified on administration of people within business.
I have always wanted to study in Korea because I wanted to pursue higher education and I believe that Korea as developed country has a high quality education. Entering in a Korean University will help me with my educational goals and career growth. Studying abroad will allow me to utilize my competencies and will be able to share it to others. Also will help and inspire people with the knowledge and experiences I have. One reason also is that I believe that I have the academic capabilities to pursue graduate school in Korea and I have also the characteristics that I find essential, high adaptability and self motivated, I'm independent and responsible, diligent and hard working, determined and observant. Also one of the reasons that made this application more exciting is because I admire how Korea preserved their tradition and culture. I always wanted to explore Korea's culture and to have a better understanding of their tradition. Being in this scholarship program will let me experience, learn and understand its culture and will make the graduate school enjoyable.
Thank for the opportunity to introduce myself and I'm hoping that I will be granted scholarship and to be a successful candidate in this program.Hai @jc05
Firstly, there are several grammatical error in your writing structure. You have to pay more attention on it, since it is one of the important thing to make your writing becomes understandable and readable.
Then, in your first sentence, you stated that you was born in the province of ................. with your parents? It's ambiguous because the reader will assume that you were born with your parents and your brothers. I suggest you to divide it into two different sentences or put a conjunction to make it more understandable.
In the middle (put "of" here) my college days............
that will make you smarter, matured and dedicated ==> this part have to be equal : "smarter, more mature and more dedicated"
I graduated (put "from" here) Bachelor of Science in Hotel and Restaurant Management
In addition, you should not state when you were graduated and when you were hired as Assistant Manager in the same sentence. You should state those statements in two different parts or sentences.
Pay more attention with collocation in your writing.
I hope it can be helpful. Thanks
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 Jasmine, aside from the suggestions above, I would like to call your attention to the weakness of your professional background. This is normally discussed as a separate paragraph because it requires you to present a complete discussion that focuses on the name of the company you are working for, the length of time that you have been working there, what position you had when you were first hired, and how you progressed to become an assistant manager. You were definitely not immediately hired as an A.M. right after graduation. There was a career progression from a lowly position that inspired you to work your way up the promotions ladder. That is a necessary part of your professional development and must be discussed accurately. If possible lead in with your internship at other institutions during your college days so that the reviewer will believe that you have prepared for most of your life for a position in human resource management.
You must also expand your academic experience in college. Discuss your grades, your achievements (if any), and what circumstances existed or motivated you to study Hotel and Restaurant Management in college. All of these experiences, when added to your professional background, creates the perfect platform to push you or realize that you need to better train yourself to manage people through a masters degree in Human Resource and Management.
@jc05
Hi, I am really interested in your work. However, I have some advice to give you to improve your work. First of it is the idea, you should give us why education becomes so important. Maybe it will give you good future or give you a good job.Or it will make the world develop.it will reduce the crime.
Secondly, How bad if education is not popular in the world. you should give some example too. For example, people do not know what that disease is and they can not find a way to save people life.How do you feel when you are going to college. Is that excited .may be the feeling will gain the score.
Do not use With perseverance and optimism instead say with the regard to, you should use more words like therefore because of to give us the reason or so to give us the result.I have always wanted to study in Korea because I wanted to pursue higher education Never have go with wanted . it will score bad poin
Givw us a id what id your course of life is having a good job is not a bad idea but please give us the detail
