Most significant contribution to your school or extended communities - scholarship essay

Here is the prompt: Describe your most significant contribution to your school or extended communities. Why did you do it? How did it affect others? (300 words max)

Any help, ideas on how to improve the essay would be really appreciated!

The first month of grade 9 is truly one of the worst experiences a high school student can experience. It's a new school, new teachers, new people, etc. You just went from being the oldest grade to youngest over 2 months of summer. Nevertheless, West Niagara Secondary School, which I attend tries to eliminate that "introverted timeframe" that freshmen tend to have and helps them create bonds lasting forever.

So my school does something called "Camp Wolfpack", which is a day where all the grade nines can skip school and instead, spend the day at Cave Springs, a local camp, retreat, and conference center. The school has to call several students in higher grades to help out, as they don't have enough staff to run it themselves. Having personally struggled with adapting to a new school, as I moved to another town right before high school, I thought that was the perfect place where my contribution to the lives of those 9s would be beneficial for them. Since I had prior leadership experience at school, I was named a senior student camp leader.

My role was to make sure that every single student enjoyed their time there. Some kids were making friends easily, however, some struggled with that. I had to come up with some kind of idea to make sure that everyone was fitting in. If one person liked basketball, I started the game with them, so we could find others willing to join. Some students were enjoying nature, so I decided to make a quiet reading table with a scenic view from the hill. At the end of the day, everyone had different interests but still managed to enjoy their time, heavily due to "accidentally" finding new friends. I believe I had something to do with those coincidences...

I believe that you spent way too much of the word count on setting up the premise for your response. You should set up the scene quickly within the first paragraph. That way you get the introduction of you being the helpful newbie out of the way immediately, allowing you focus more on the actual subject of the essay. which is you as the senior student camp leader.

That particular aspect of the response deserves more focus and discussion from you. While you tried to remain light in the narration, it would not hurt you to delve a little deeper to show how you handled the problematic participants or events in the scenario. That would show a more involved participation on your part with regards to social and community building.

@Holt
Ok, thank you so much for the feedback!