Hey this is my first time on this website and it seems pretty cool. Just wanting some feedback on a personal statement that i have to turn in with my scholarship application seeing as the deadline is coming up soon! I've removed workplaces (x)
Personal statement prompt - Please include, if applicable:
- your educational and career goals
- Current employment
- any accomplishments, including any honors or awards
- your personal background, including any highlights, special situations in your life or other information
- any challenges you are facing as a result of your current financial circumstances
- any barriers to you obtaining your educational goals and how you plan to overcome them.
Personal Statement
Dear Hawai'i Community Foundation:
I'm just looking for a second chance, a chance to become someone I can be proud of and give back to the world. A chance to bury my regrets and mend the mistakes of my past.
You see, I was very immature and ignorant throughout my youth. Drinking, being irresponsible, working basic entry-level jobs and not once contemplating who I am or what I want to be. Never having a mentor to pave the way or motivation to push myself to greater heights. I love my ohana and take nothing away from them but I grew up in more of a "work" focused home. No one had graduated college or put an emphasis on my education so there was no sense of urgency. I would always ask questions and be curious about everything but never really applied myself, never had the structure or discipline to become a scholar. It didn't occur to me until recently how important having direction is and how much of an impact education can have on your life. The way it shapes your future and expands your mind, I am filled with regret.
A pivotal moment that changed my perspective and understanding of this world was when my step-father that helped raise me for 16 years died 2 years ago. My mother fell into depression and I rushed over here from Maui to help her. After losing her business and her cottage she had nothing except a small bottle of wine and a pack of cigarettes to her name. Trying to support her on my own was a hopeless attempt and ended up with me buying her a ticket back to Canada to stay with her family. After she was taken care of I moved to town near Makiki and tried to get a job to support myself.
While living in a small apartment under the H1 freeway I struggled for a long time to survive and make ends meet. My funds had run out and my serving job only paid minimum wage with little to no tips. There were times I'd have to survive on $20 for two weeks until my paycheck came in and I wouldn't even be able to eat. Possessions getting stolen and dangerous people on the street become the norm as you start to feel like there is no way out, this lasted for a year.
Fortunately I managed to work my way into a serving job at (x) in Ala Moana which paid a little better. Eventually moving on to become a bartender at (x) where I've resided for the past year, and although my life has been full of obstacles and tests I feel as if maybe they were necessary in shaping who I am today. Mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually, I just want to improve and become the strongest version of myself possible. That person we've all imagined ourselves to be when we were kids but for some reason lost as we grew older.
Below are the necessary requirements for this personal statement. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to share my story and apply to your scholarship.
Education goals
I would be the first in my family to graduate college and it's very important to me. Obtaining an AA in Liberal arts - Business at Kapi'olani Community College and then transfering to the University of Hawai'i at Mānoa to finish my Bachelors in Business - Entrepreneurship at Shidler. This is what I'm working towards at the moment which is a goal in and of itself, but only a stepping stone in my journey of success.
Why I chose my course of study
I chose Business because of its unlimited potential. The ability to create and provide services/products to the world and change it for the better, that's what I see myself doing in the future. I feel Business provides me with the knowledge and background necessary to pursue my goals and aspirations in life. Whether it be small business ventures and start-ups or joining an existing company and helping it flourish, I just want to grow.
Current employment
I quit my job in November to prepare myself for school and take the first step towards my goals. Unfortunately part-time was unavailable where I was working so I was forced to make a choice. Either continue living paycheck to paycheck and working the same monotonous entry-level position within my company, or go back to school and make something of myself.
Financial circumstance
At this moment I'm relying on savings and financial aid through FAFSA to support my education and living expenses. Acclimating myself to becoming a college student after being out of school for so long is difficult and trying to stay financially afloat at the same time doesn't help. Falling further and further into debt to acquire an education and degree so I can progress in life and make something of myself is unfortunately a sad truth I'm starting to realize. Paying rent on time, affording to eat healthy, monthly bills and being able to have an acceptable standard of living are just a few of the challenges I face at the moment. I'm going to pursue my education and stay on this path whether or not I receive aid through scholarships and grants, but it would go a long way and help me greatly. Mahalo nui loa!Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 Keoni, the way I see it, there are two missing elements in your essay. The first, is the academic accomplishment if any. Since it is pretty obvious that you did not come from a family of studious people, you should indicate that you were only an average student who, although filled with potential to gain academic honors, got held back from achieving your full potential due to the "work" centered family life.
Next, I am worried about the employment part of the essay. My worry is that the reviewer might see your essay in a bad light because you indicated that you quit your job in order to prepare for college and now you are in financial straits. There needs to be an indication that you are actively pursuing other work opportunities that will suit your academic schedule. That way the scholarship committee will know that you will not be relying on the scholarship alone for your academic and personal needs. Bear in mind that not all scholarships give 100 % fees or allowances. So you will need to create an idea that you are a hard working person who just needs a break in life.
In the personal statement portion that discusses the reasons you went back home, cut to the chase, don't offer a whole paragraph just for the story of your stepfather's death and your mother's life after. Just say your step dad died, you went home to care for your mother and eventually, you both decided that it was best for her to go back to Canada. Put some emotion into that paragraph because right now, it sounds like you could not wait to get rid of your mother. Show some familiar ties if you can, but in a short manner that focus more on you that her and your step dad.
