Scholarship application essay
Can someone please give feedback on my personal statement?
These are the points I need to cover:
- Motivations with which you apply for this program
- Family and Education background
- Significant experiences you have had; risks you have taken and achievements you have made, persons or events that have had a significant influence on you
- Extracurricular activities such as club activities, community service activities or work experiences
- If applicable, describe awards you have received, publications you have made, or skills you have acquired, etc.
I have always wanted to study abroad, and one day I came across a woman sharing her experiences studying in a Korean university. From then on, I did a lot of research on South Korea, and how different it is from my society. Through my research, I realized there is much more to Korea than K-pop or K-dramas. There is a lot to the culture, even politics like, how a small country can influence international relations. I wanted to experience the Korean culture and decide to go for further studies when I came across this scholarship. Through this program, I hope to obtain both knowledge and the experiences surrounding a new culture and language.
Throughout my school life, I have particularly enjoyed the sciences. I am interested in learning about new concepts and ideas, such as investigating reaction mechanisms in chemistry. I am drawn in by medicinal chemistry and elements of health, which I am currently undertaking in high school. To me, pharmacy is a perfect combination of my passion for health sciences, along with my drive to serve and help people.
I was born in Northern India, where I spoke Punjabi, my mother tongue, and Hindi, which I could only understand. At the age of three, I moved to Melbourne, where my parents lived. My parents lived in a shared house with another family who only spoke Hindi. I would often attempt to communicate with their daughter, and that's how I became fluent in Hindi. We then moved to Perth when I was five.
During school holidays, I worked as a volunteer at Opal age care centers and school volunteer programs. At the care home, I observed how the carers offered clear and transparent instructions regarding medication, such as instructing the residents to eat a full meal before taking tablets. In instances where residents were unable to take their medicines independently due to unstable hands or weak arms, the carers assisted immediately. The responsibility for medicines was only the nurses. In this way, I learned how pharmacy is interlinked with many other aspects of quality healthcare.
The ever-changing and developing nature of pharmacy is what attracts me to this field of work. To be a part of such a diverse profession and make a difference myself would be gratifying. I acknowledge the challenging nature and the effort required to complete the course. However, I would overcome these hurdles to qualify as a Pharmacist, be on the frontier of scientific development and help our population. And in my opinion, this is the ultimate reward.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 11,584 3758
I have always wanted to study abroad
Through this program, I hope to obtain both knowledge and the experiences surrounding a new culture and language.
Both reasons do not relate to an interest in Pharmacy. These make the applicant sound like a tourist visa applicant instead of a college scholarship candidate. What academic reasons can replace it? Think about it.
I have particularly enjoyed the sciences
I am drawn in by medicinal chemistry and elements of health
Show academic and extra-curricular evidence of these. The claims must be supported by verifiable engagement activities and academic accomplishments of note.
where I spoke Punjabi
fluent in Hindi
Unless you are fluent in Hangul and English, the reviewer does not care for these language proficiencies Also, there is a seperate language essay requirement so this discussion is not necessary in this personal statement.
I learned how pharmacy is interlinked with many other aspects of quality healthcare.
Not true. The discussion presented focuses on Caregiving rather than pharmacy.
The presentation itself is not going to be considered beyond the screening sound. The applicant is unqualified for the course major being applied for.
As the other consultant said you should try to write more about English . And this truly not needed here as it's only about you university and major . So writting about language is not needed.
Please try writting about some extra curricular activities as much as you can and awards, they would try to tell which kind of a person are you except studies .