Sydney university - "Technology that is designed to delight its users" - AAS supporting statement 1

Hi everyone, hope you're doing well!

My name is Ida, graduated from New Media Art and want to take a Master of Interaction Design. I'm applying for Australia Awards Scholarship 2017 and here is my first essay. I will attach the other essays on separated threads. I need you to review my essay, is it good enough to answer the question? is it connected between one paragraph to another? I'm opened for any suggestions!

so here's the instruction:

How did you choose your proposed course and institution*?

[2000 chars]

Thanks

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I graduated from Intermedia Arts, an interdisciplinary course which involving new media and interactive media as the primary interest. By took this course, I have learnt much creating interactive artworks that were connecting audiences to the artworks, the ambience, and space. I did not only learn the aesthetic of creating art but also analyse human behaviour, perception, and human psychology towards space. Since then, I eager to know more about interactive media.

For the past four years, I have been involved in many projects that require me to always up-to-date with recent interactive technology in interactive audio-visual performance. It helped me broaden my understandings on interactive technology and introduced me to the new world of Interaction Design. I acknowledged that learning Interaction Design by myself won't get me know it well ins and outs. Therefore I choose to take a master course in Australia to deepen my knowledge and sharpen my skills to the next level of an interaction designer.

My first choice is Interactive Design and Electronic Arts programme in The University of Sydney. I fell in love with their philosophy "Technology that is designed to delight its users". I found the core foundational units in IDEA will shape my vision in interactivity within design thinking and the essential industry knowledge. Thus will be very helpful for me to inherit this knowledge to my future students so they can be more aware of the industry.

Not much different from the former one, Master of Design in University of Technology Sydney also offer the same Interaction Design studio. The only difference is this programme consists of other design disciplines that will be beneficial for my study to be surrounded with other creative people. University of Technology Sydney is not only enhanced the understanding of technology and human factors but also considering artistic-conceptual thinking.

Ida, totally remove your first paragraph and make the current second paragraph your first paragraph instead. Just merge the information about your degree into the new first paragraph. The reason you should do that is because the opening statement is flat. It doesn't really help move the essay along, nor offer relevant information regarding the prompt requirements. That doesn't start for you until paragraph 2. My suggestion is that you offer an additional paragraph inserted between the new first paragraph and second paragraph, that will explain your "vision in interactivity and design thinking". Use a complete paragraph for that explanation because that will be the perfect foundation for your response as to how you chose your proposed course and institution. It highlights the personal and professional career objectives that you have which can make your essay stand out in the eyes of the reviewer. Right now, the essay offers a glimpse into this idea in your paragraph about your university choice. Such important information should never be a mere reference in the overall essay because it refers to the exact information required by the prompt. Adjusting the essay content to focus on that idea will help to create a unique application response on your end and hopefully, make it memorable to the reviewer.