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"The Value of Time" - Questbridge Significant Experience Essay



jinsungjun 2 / 3  
Sep 24, 2014   #1
Hey guys! I wanted some more feedback regarding my essay for Questbridge. Feel free to be harsh/blunt!

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
The Value of Time
I stared in awe as he shifted his tiny feet towards me; at that moment, I understood that each minute, each hour spent with him had not gone to waste.

While other students begin their high school career in sports or clubs, I spent a majority of time at home, caring for my baby nephew. With both parents at work and my sister attending evening classes, I was given the responsibility of babysitter. Initially, I felt imprisoned, forced to forgo my freedoms. I questioned why I should suffer for my sister's mistake. Six hours of daily, absolute dread, unable to complete schoolwork under the constant wailing and bawling of my nephew. Undisciplined in childcare, each day would bring a plethora of new concerns from changing diapers to providing meals. Not only was my babysitting fledgling at best, my time management had yet to evolve to fit high school standards; numerous nights were filled with curses and tirades as I scribbled away at my homework with what few hours I had left to spare. Life became unbearable, and my time only seemed to dwindle away.

As freshman year progressed, my existence seemed repetitious; every day was a routine that I was required to overcome. As I entered my home, my sister would hastily grab her schoolbag, dashing out the door. Immediately I was left in charge of the household, barely able to switch from a meager student to a responsible adult. The hours flitted by as I periodically changed diapers, made spoonfuls of food into airplanes, and soothed piercing cries. With evening approaching, the garage door creaked open, signaling the arrival of my parents and an end to my post. As I collapsed onto my bed, I felt raw and exhausted. Weeks seemed like days-time itself irritated me as selfish thoughts flooded my mind. My life appeared fruitless; I felt my time was wasted on my nephew.

That day seemed no different. As I was preparing lunch, I noticed the baby was peculiarly quiet. In a fit of worry, I bolted to the family room to see my nephew... standing. I marveled for what seemed like hours as he took his first step, reaching a significant milestone in both our lives. Suddenly, I realized how mistaken I had been. Although I believed those weeks were wasted, each second spent interacting with my nephew had manifested itself in this moment. I recognized the full potential of my time-not only in my life, but in others' lives.

Nonetheless, this moment was more than a mere memory. This experience influenced who I am today. Now, I aspire to serve others in hopes that my efforts will influence their lives. Be it at the local hospital, volunteer events, or simply tutoring peers, I persevere in my purpose of aiding others. Even the most trivial of tasks can result in global impacts-this in mind, I am thrilled to see how this concept will drive me in college.

vangiespen - / 4077  
Sep 25, 2014   #2
Jin, while baby sitting was something that obviously had an impact upon you, I do not see how this resulted in an achievement, risk, or ethical dilemma that you had to face and resolve. If you had spoken about your fledgling time management skills with regards to your baby sitting duties and your studies, then perhaps that would have shown an achievement on your part. In this case, the essay is speaking of the achievement of your nephew, that of standing on his own rather than being assisted.

You wrote this essay in terms of time, but you did not achieve any connection within the words that you used and the situation you described to explain any achievement, risk or dilemma that could relate to your realization of time. It would be best if you instead revised the content of the essay at this point. That is just my opinion and I will explain why I said that.

The baby sitting and study conflict is something that is very real for most students with siblings to care for after school. In your case, it makes it even worse because the child is not a sibling but a nephew who should not have been in your charge in the first place. He interrupted your studies and left you cursing as you played catch up with your studies. Surely you eventually learned how to balance caring for him and studying at the same time. So talk about that.

Learning to balance your time between your school duties and your duty to your family / nephew is something that you should consider a remarkable achievement for a person your age. It is something that you had to learn on your own as you did not have any family to support you during that time. So I suggest that you concentrate on that achievement instead.

If you want to try out my idea, know that I and the other forum volunteers are here to help you out as best as we can :-) So don't be afraid to revise your paper if you feel comfortable doing so ;-)
OP jinsungjun 2 / 3  
Sep 25, 2014   #3
Thank you so much for your comment! I'll be sure to revise my essay to better fit the prompt, but I was wondering if I could leave the first 2 paragraphs alone. If I changed the last 2 paragraphs in order to better relate it to me, would the first half of my essay be grammatically correct and structurally cohesive?
vangiespen - / 4077  
Sep 25, 2014   #4
was wondering if I could leave the first 2 paragraphs alone. If I changed the last 2 paragraphs in order to better relate it to me, would the first half of my essay be grammatically correct and structurally cohesive?

Jin, essays often pass through a minimum of 3 revisions before you even begin to hit upon the essence of what you want to say or present. So go ahead and keep the two paragraphs in its original form. We can only advice you about how to write the essay. We can't do anything about the content. That is something that you choose for yourself. As you revise the content of the essay, you will be able to tell if you will be able to keep the first 2 paragraphs, need to adjust the content, or simply delete it. What happens to those paragraphs depends upon the corrections that you will make to the later paragraphs. If it fits the flow of the paper, then keep it. If it does not, you know that you have to adjust those paragraphs to make it fit. If you can't make it work, then don't force it.

Don't be afraid to post your revised versions here for our comment and advice. It doesn't matter if you make 200 versions of the same essay, we will always be happy to help you achieve the kind of essay that you can be proud of. You must be commended for the time and concentration you are applying to this essay. Trust me, you will know when something fits the theme of the paper or does not. You will know what to delete, change, or keep by instinct :-)


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