Prompt 1: Why Notre Dame? (150-200 word limit)
**I admit it's rather crude, but you guys have great advice so I just thought to start here. Thanks in advance!**
I've never actually stepped onto the Notre Dame campus and experienced the aura of "God County Notre Dame" personally, so I initially doubted my decision. But then I remember about Touchdown Jesus. I remember scrolling through videos and Google images as a kid, in awe of the 134-foot tall mural, consisted of 6,700 pieces of granite and 81 different types of stone from various parts of the world. I remember gazing at the majestic figure of Jesus and just feeling at peace with myself.
Then I think about the exciting lifetime opportunities of being part of such a grand institution, whose commitment to faith and devotion to the common good is coupled with a world-class education. I marvel at the Haiti Program's infallible determination to eliminate Lymphatic Filariasis and bring a better world for millions. Finally, I remember ND's highly regarded Department of Political Science and their longstanding tradition of heavily researching issues such as humanitarian concerns, and I can't help but anticipate the next four years of my life.
But, for the sake of simplicity, I choose Notre Dame because it's the only school that I can't forget.
This essay is fine, but I think there are some discrepancies here and there.
But, for the sake of simplicity, I choose Notre Dame because it's the only school that I can't forget.
It's the only school you can't forget? I would avoid using generic reasons like these as much as possible. From what I can tell to the best of my knowledge, you've given your reason why you've chosen Notre Dame, and they're really good reasons! You've answered the prompt, saying:
marvel at the Haiti Program's infallible determination to eliminate Lymphatic Filariasis and bring a better world for millions
you've given specific reasons here and there in your prompt, while telling a story that also gives specific reasons.
Very good draft, it just needs some slight tweaking. Also, while you're still up, I'd like for you to take a quick glance at my essay and critique me. Thanks!
Great, thanks a lot for your help! Yeah, I admit that I kinda just threw in that last part hehe.
And sure! On my way to your post right now.
Great response!
Like TheKid9999 said, you should definitely change your last sentence. I would suggest that you mention how its a perfect fit for you, or that it is in line with your interests.
Just one thing: "so I initially doubted my decision." -- Could you clarify on what your decision is? I know it is implied but maybe it would read better if you were to explicitly state what decision you doubted.
Other than that, I think this is very good of an essay. You answer the prompt and give a great, unique introduction about Jesus.
Nice work!
Thanks (again) for your help!!
I don't want to bore any one else with this essay so I won't post the final draft, but I'll certainly revise my essay given your suggestions
:)
One question though: are my verb usages correct?
I'm terrible with verb tenses, and I feel that because I switched from past tense "I initially doubted..." to "I remember", it just flows awkwardly.
Just me?
No problem!
Good luck on your application!
Sorry to bother you again, but is it possible that you take a quick look at my short answers to Yale supplement (SUPER SHORT short responses to Yale supplement -- being flat-footed, easily distracted, community...) thread? I wish to finalize it but I haven't had anyone look over it.
Thanks a bunch!!
Haha of course:)
Also, I just edited my previous response to this thread. Can you take a look again at the verb tenses in this essay? Thanks!
Definitely!
I looked over it, and I think that your tenses are all fine. Because during the beginning few sentences you are talking about your impressions of the university in the past, whereas the rest of your essay talks about your current vision and thoughts (I think... I marvel... I remember...) . So I think they are fine (However, my strengths are in chemistry and math, not so much english).
Also, I caught another thing.
"But then I remember about Touchdown Jesus" -- I think this sounds a bit awkward. You may want to rephrase it to read something like "But then I (recall/remember) Touchdown Jesus" or something similar, because I don't think you "remember about" something.
Okay, great!
And ahh, true true. That is pretty awkward.
Thanks for the tips!:)
Wow you really seem to know your stuff! It is a very captivating essay that shows your knowledge. Being that I have never researched Notre Dame, I was obviously confused at the beginning, but I guess that is just my fault. If you have more room to add, I would even add how you would like to contribute to these causes and things like that. I think it would be a nice touch, but obviously that is just a suggestion :]
Please help me with mine if possible! By the looks of your essay, I can say I trust your opinion , hehe
Thank you for saying that!
Yeah, I do want to add some parts of how I can contribute to ND, but ugh, the word limit.
Thanks for the help!
And haha, okay I'll look at it right now :)
Maybe you can shorten your first paragraph. What I noticed with my essays were that I would usually expand a lot in my first paragraphs. I would elaborate on a story and then would leave little room for my point of the story. If you can shorten your first one, I think that would help, but I know it is hard to let go of phrases or sentences when you like them so much :]
LOL you understand me exactly.
Yep, it's going to be hard...but some words have just got to go.
Thanks!