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Texas A&M transfer essay

My essay:

Life has not been easy with my cleft palate condition, and it became even more difficult once I moved to the Land of Opportunity with no background in English at age of 7. Growing up, I did not have many friends; I even had trouble making friends at a kindergarten-age where this job is supposed to be easy as a pie. This struggle and the constant movement from one location to another due to my father's profession as a software engineer led to a disruption in my academics and I was held back a grade, adding to my depression. Nevertheless, I became a fighter, battling with my inner-self and bringing out a positive outlook on life especially with pouring support from my family members including my very own older brother. I am sure you have heard off "when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade," that is exactly what I did, take the negative outlook of my life and made it into a positive turn. In high school I was always heavily involved in student organizations such as community service, President of Key Club, French Club, etc. I was involved in Basketball, Badminton, and Track and Field team, along with volunteering and other extra activities outside of school. High School was great, being involved in many things and maintaining good grade but I wasn't sure what my interest were and what my weakness and strengths were. As I was discovering myself what I wanted to choose to major in college, I had a great opportunity to join The Ohio State University's MEDLIFE organization and attended a medical trip to aid the impoverished areas of Lima, Peru by distributing free medical, dental, and pharmaceutical care. After that I decide to pursue studying Biology, Pre-med but then I realized I was going on the wrong track, but before it went in depth I switched my majors to Management Information Systems in the Business IT field. I gradually learned that my interest and strengths was business people's skills. Even though my first year of college threw a curveball at me and while I dealing with depression and being far away from family in a new environment and new friends, as well as, dealing with some severe health problems, I became a fighter. I thrived to work hard and be very focused because I was not a failure. I discovered my weakness and strengths and used the tools that were given to me to improve myself as an individual. I went from hanging at the end of a thread to pulling myself up towards to a 4.0 GPA while working a part time job last spring semester of 2016. This defines who I am: a scholar, a leader, and a fighter. In a way, I am very grateful for my past and the struggles, because they have created the individual I am today. These struggles, experiences, opportunities, and this diversity is what I will be bringing into the scholarly gates of Aggieland. The Aggie nation prides itself on producing one of the nation's top individuals excelling in scholarship, service, and leadership aspects. In order to excel, one simply cannot rely on intelligence alone. A strong work ethic and strong will is necessary to achieve the set goals and objects in order to become a Renaissance Man, which I strive to become by utilizing the plethora of opportunities provided by the Texas A&M University and its community. I may not have everything perfect, but I hold a foreign childhood and diverse experiences through my involvement in various extra-curricular activities as well as trip to Peru to show that I embody the qualities of a leader, a fighter, and a scholar. Sometimes the experiences speak louder about a person than mere grades and gpa on a piece of paper, but nonetheless, I insist on utilizing the opportunities provided to continue my upward trend on the paper as well as in person. As a prospective Aggie, I will put my strong will to test and become the Renaissance Man responsible in upholding the ideals of Aggieland and its academic integrity as well as utilize all the opportunities provided to me to pursue a career and aid those who have struggled like me or continue to struggle as I once did

Please give me feedback and advise. I highly appreciate it.

Hi, your writing is not bad, but first of all I have to say, please use paragraphs. Seeing this big block of text is a little intimidating and makes it harder to follow your various ideas. Speaking of which, your essay's organization could be improved I think. I guess it is mainly chronological, but it is hard to determine exactly what your overarching theme is. Also, you seem to do a lot of telling rather than showing. You say you worked hard and overcame challenges, but you haven't really given much detail into the nuts and bolts of how you actually accomplished this. You also have some repetition in phrases like "strengths and weaknesses".

Hi, thank you so much for your suggestions and corrections. I knew I had to clean up the essay somehow and stay clear on the topic so, I decided to rewrite the essay. This is what I have so far and I have troubles how to keep it going with the flow and finishing it off. What I mainly wanted to address in my essay was the wrong rout I was going which was the Bio, Pre-med led me to failure in first year of college and realized pre-med was not the right option for me. I made a big transition from art and science to business and this is where I fit. I pulled myself back on my feet from going on probation first year of my college with a science major to making it into dean's in and perfect grades with business major. I always had interest with computers, technology, math, and business skills. I don't know how else to finish it off. Any suggestions. Thank you!

"Success is how high you bounce when you hit the bottom," (George S. Patton). Life has not been easy with my cleft palate condition and dealing with depression disrupted my academics. On top of everything, my first year of college at Texas Tech University through a curveball right at me. I was dealing with all sorts of anxieties, depression, being far away from family, and encountered severe health problems. I have feared and failed before in my life but nevertheless did I let the failure outtake me but instead get past it.

In Fall 2014 I had the opportunity to attend Texas Tech University as Biology, Pre-med major. At that time I was still trying to discover what I wanted to become despite all the volunteering's, activities, sports, and organizations I was involved in high school. I followed my brother's footsteps in hoping to become a great doctor but I realized I needed to follow my own footsteps. I was heading towards the wrong rout, Biology; Pre-med was not the right major for me. I thought I knew my strengths and weakness but I had not realized taking two science classes my first semester of college was the worst mistake I had ever made. I hit the rock bottom and knowing that it will be long, hard journey to get back on my feet; I was not going to let the failure outtake me.

Great - thanks for the information. Now I see a definite main idea and this could be an outstanding essay. Can I ask a few questions? What exactly made you switch from pre med to business? I assume you had a lot of trouble with the science classes? Why business then? Did you take a chance and then find out you liked it, or what gave you a clue that business would be a better fit?

I assume you also worked through some of your first year issues too, right? So it wasn't just a matter of taking easier classes. How did you overcome your anxieties and depression? And how does the cleft palate fit in? In your first essay you mention it in the beginning and then never again. In what ways specifically did that affect your life.

You know, reading your description above actually impresses me and gives me a much better idea of who you are and what your story is than the first part of the essay that follows it. I think you need to focus more on just telling your story than "writing an essay" - answer my questions above and we can go from there.