Admission Essay to U of M for Computer Science. Any suggestions?

Question:

Please describe your interests and aspirations in engineering. What experiences have influenced you?

Answer:

I took my first programming course in high school. There, I discovered I enjoyed programming immensely, and was reasonably proficient in it. I found myself thinking of how to solve many everyday problems with code. In my free time, I coded several programs, including a game that incorporated physics and various graphical elements. I followed up my interest by taking several more courses through high school and onto college.

Once in college I began to see all the opportunities that were available to me, and I decided to explore avenues that interested me more thoroughly. I switched over to Electrical and Computer Engineering for a while and did several projects, including building computers and robots. After two semesters though, I found that it was Computer Science that was my passion and resumed going after my Bachelor of Science in Computer Science.

Then a few years ago, my close friend Serge was killed by a drunk driver. It was a devastating moment for all of his friends and family. I decided then that I wanted to use what I was good at, namely computer programming, to help ensure that no one would have to experience tragedies such as this.

I want to engineer software that helps people. I want to develop intelligence for cars so that the human variable is removed, making roads safer. I want to build complex and thorough simulations so I can confidently release a product to manufacturing. I want to make this world a less dangerous place through sound engineering and hard work. But most of all, I want to be accepted to this great university so that I may learn how to be this excellent engineer that is able to understand the fundamentals and theories that will allow me to see my dreams come to fruition.

Take away th boring sentences, and start with the interesting ones:
I took my first programming course in high school. There, I discovered I enjoyed programming immensely, and was reasonably proficient in it. I find myself often thinking of how to solve many everyday problems with code. In my free time, have coded several programs, including a game that incorporated physics and various graphical elements. Because of my interest in this subect, I took several more courses throughout high school and in college...--- add one more sentence to the end of the first paragraph, a sentence that expresses the impressive idea you want the reader to remember.

But most of all, I want to be accepted to this great university so that I may learn how to be this excellent engineer, able to under stand the fundamentals and theories that will allow me to see make it possible for my dreams come to fruition.