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UF Admissions Essay -- Boarding School



chewyy123 2 / 4  
Oct 31, 2009   #1
"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."

- Helen Keller
Helen Keller reminds us that opportunities are never-ending. For me, transitioning into a rural upstate boarding school was not only challenging but turned out to be rewarding. Immediately, I was blown away by the cultural shock. For fun, the kids here rode on four-wheelers rather than go to the mall and the only two places to dine were a greasy Chinese restaurant and a Subway sandwich shop. I was completely dumbfounded at the simplicity of this town.

I had left behind a warm comfortable home to come to a quiet hamlet that was completely foreign to me. Whenever I'd mention anything about tall buildings or bright lights, students here would stare at me. How the local people could stand living in a town so underdeveloped and isolated from the rest of the world was incomprehensible to me.

Unlike the other students here who had been in boarding schools since first grade, I, a sophomore in high school, had a hard time adjusting. Everyday seemed soporific and I found no compelling reason to break out of my stupor. I would wake up, attend school, come back to the dorm, do my homework, and sleep. My days became monotonous and meaningless. I perceived boarding school to be solitary confinement, thus I did not see the door that was opened to me, the door of opportunity to change my aspect on life.

After spending yet another unproductive weekend in the dorm, I received a few words of advice: "Carpe diem," seize the day. At first, the two words confused me greatly. Night after night I'd lay in bed contemplating the real meaning behind those words and finally "the light went on." Boarding school was not a punishment, but a chance to gain knowledge.

It has been three years since I first arrived. Reminiscing on my first year here, I realize how much I have grown as a person. Studying at ______ Academy has allowed me to experience things that I would have never been able to in a public high school. Because of this, in college, I will be able to by-pass what are probably typical freshman woes: living outside of home, dealing with a motley group of people, being out of the comfort zone. I will be able to jump into college campus life quickly with zest and join clubs such as community service clubs and international clubs. Furthermore, because I went to a boarding school, I was able to interact one on one with international students that came from all over the globe and share their insights which opened up a vast store of knowledge for me. I wish to deepen this journey of exploration by possibly studying in the international programs here and abroad of University of Florida.

OP chewyy123 2 / 4  
Nov 1, 2009   #2
ahh I really need someone to help me revise this :(
jwatson 2 / 2  
Nov 1, 2009   #3
This is a pretty good essay. I think it could be made even better if you expanded on the transition you made with more specific examples.

Oh an for the purposes of continuity, you should combine your first and second paragraphs.

Good Luck with you application :)
OP chewyy123 2 / 4  
Nov 1, 2009   #4
Gahh, I sent it in 5 minutes ago.
Anyways, I couldn't expand on it because the limit was 500 words.
I have an expanded version that I used for the common application which is..630-ish words.

Thanks though!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Nov 2, 2009   #5
...was not only challenging but also turned out to be rewarding.

It was a little awkward. You can use "turned out to be" in another sentence now, if you want to. It is a nice phrase, albeit cliche.

Your use of commas is excellent.

Here is a good example of how writing can be more powerful if you kill the adjectives and adverbs:
I will be able to jump into college campus life quickly with zest and join clubs such as community service clubs and international clubs.

I think zest is a silly word, but that is just me! :)


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