Why did you choose to apply to UCF?
They say love at first sight doesn't exist, but that euphoric feeling overcame me once my eyes were set on UCF. Orlando is one of my favorite cities, so it's no surprise that I had my mind set on UCF from the get-go. The grand city screams opportunity for jobs and internships that I couldn't find anywhere else. I have done my fair share of college tours, but none left the imprint that UCF did. Once I stepped foot on campus, I didn't feel like I was just touring some boring, old college- I felt like I was touring my home. The liveliness of the diverse student population along with the modern atmosphere captivated me. It was then I realized that this is the place I want to start my life. I didn't let the impressive freshmen academic profile stop me from setting my goals to this school. I knew it was possible and it gave me all the motivation to strive to do the greatest I could in everything I attempted.
With the campus comes, more importantly, academics. Luckily for UCF, they win at both ends of the spectrum. From what I've personally heard from Knights, they've all mentioned that the professors actually care and want you to succeed. The B.A. degree in Digital Media that the university offers is the ideal major for me. The degree program falls directly in the track of my career goal of becoming a web developer. At UCF, I feel I'll be getting the best education possible while being in an environment where I'll be able to grow intellectually and prosper.
Anthony, one thing you have to understand is that being in love with a city does not equate to being in love with the university. The city and the university are two different things and should never be mixed up. You accidentally did that in your essay. However, you can still recover from that error. Here are some tips to help you do that.
Start by looking deep into yourself for the reason that you applied to UCF. If it were not located in your favorite city, what would be the main reason that you would opt to seek admission to their university? That, is one of the correct responses to the prompt questions. While I understand that the city may be the main reason for your choice of school, it is academic interest in the school that should be driving your desire for admission.
You have interviewed some former students of the school. Surely they have discussed the objectives and vision of the school with you. You need to represent some sort of commonality between yourself and the school in order to further display valid reasons for your interest in UCF. Remember, the city does not offer you the grand opportunity at internships. Although it exists in Orlando, it is the school that offers the chance at a very interesting and grounded education. So try to repackage your statement about the internships around that fact.
Your second paragraph is actually quite good. In fact, I would go so far as to suggest that you use that paragraph as your opening statement. Yes, I believe that will work well for you. Flip the essay paragraphs around. It seems to me that it would be more fluid and interesting for the admissions officer to read it in that manner. Care to give it a try? I'll be more than willing to help review your work again :-) Good luck!
Thank you! Is this any better?
Along with the wonderful campus that UCF provides comes, more importantly, academics. Luckily for UCF, they win at both ends of the spectrum. From what I've personally heard from Knights, they've all come to agree that the professors actually want you to succeed push you to do your best. That alone is a major factor in deciding if a school is right for me and it's apparent that UCF brings what I need to the table. The B.A. degree in Digital Media that the university offers is the ideal major for me. The degree program falls directly in the track of my career goal of becoming a web developer. At UCF, I feel I'll be getting the best education possible while being in an environment where I'll be able to grow intellectually and prosper. As a result, I'll be able to take advantage of the many job opportunities and internships that Orlando has to offer.
They say love at first sight doesn't exist, but that euphoric feeling overcame me once my eyes were set on UCF. I have done my fair share of college tours, but none left the imprint that UCF did. Once I stepped foot on the vast campus, I didn't feel like I was just touring some boring old college- I felt like I was touring my home. The liveliness of the diverse student population along with the modern atmosphere captivated me. There is no doubt this school will offer me an array of fantastic opportunities and It's quite clear to me that this is the place I want to start my life. I didn't let the impressive freshmen academic profile stop me from setting my goals to this school. I knew it was possible and it gave me all the motivation to strive to do the greatest I could in everything I do.
Wow! You did very well in revising your essay. You left out the unimportant parts and totally focused on the school and the relationship you look forward to creating with them. There are some points that need a little tweaking though. Let me post the corrections below:
actually want you to succeed AND push you to do your best.
right for me .
and It's apparent
that UCF has to offer.
place WHERE I want to start my life
my goals ON this school.
greatest THINGS I could
After you apply my suggested changes, I want you to review the whole essay again and consider the content. Make sure you expressed everything important within the word count. If you feel like you can do better by revising, deleting, and adding some points, don't be afraid to do so. It never hurts to have 2 statements answering the same question. You always go with the statement you feel is strongest for you.
Hi there, i'll be working on your revised essay. I hope it helps.
-...campus that UCF provides comes,...
- Luckily for UCF, they win at both...
- ...is right for me and it's apparent...
- ...that UCF brings what I needis needed to the table.
- At UCF, I feelbelieve I'll be...
- ...feeling over came upon me once...
- ...but none left the ima print that UCF did.
Well, there you have it. I just made a few remarks on making your essay so centered on your choice of university and what the university can offer, because you have to understand that the university is the one that's going to give you the opportunity of a good future and you owe it to them, should you be granted the admission.
Overall, this is definitely a much better essay than the original one, having said that, I wish you the best of luck!!!