Hey everyone! Here is another draft of my personal profile paragraph. Any pointers are appreciated, thanks!
What is important to you? And why?
(maximum 250 words)
Adapting to change is one of the most fundamentally important skills a person can have. I realized this when I joined the local Air Cadet organization at the beginning of my high school career. As a recruit, I had few responsibilities since discipline was the main focus as I followed the orders of my seniors. However, as I rose in rank, I quickly realized how much planning and hours of work were put into every parade night. Over time, I rapidly picked up many responsibilities, such as teaching new recruits and commanding syndicates. My leadership, organization, and aplomb were tested every week through practical assessments such as teaching a lesson about aviation or organizing a group of cadets to finish a tasking. Often, sudden changes in circumstances required quick adaptations to find possible solutions. These weekly assessments at Air Cadets have developed me into a resilient person who can adjust to any changing environment and look at a problem from multiple different angles. This ingenuity has also made me into a very reflective person since I always ask myself if there is something I could have improved upon. What I have learned in cadets has been applied both in my volunteering and my part-time work as I tend to address new issues immediately and offer alternative solutions. In conclusion, this asset is most important to me since my ability to adapt and overcome changes defines me as a person who can find unique solutions for challenging circumstances.
You have a good link between your time as an Air Cadet and how it has impacted your personality. To me, some parts can benefit from more elaborate explanations: Often, ... required quick adaptations to ... What changes? In what type of situations do you need to be quick on your feet? This, along with ...look at a problem from multiple different angles comes off as telling rather than showing. Has there ever been a time when your quick thinking and unique approach to problem-solving helped other people? How has being an Air Cadet improved the way you see yourself?
As someone who has no clue what an Air Cadet does, I finished reading this passage with a very vague sense of understanding. Perhaps try to imbue more clarity and details on your role in the organization.
Hi there! Thanks for coming to the site for assistance. I hope my feedback gives you an idea on how to improve your writing.
Firstly, while I think that you were trying to ensure from the get-go how adaptation is the primary skill that you have, this didn't necessarily translate well to the rest of the writing. I heavily recommend that you try to keep your writing a lot more focused, especially since the latter parts should be more value-based in its writing orientation. Always, always go back to the core value that you have introduced, especially because this will give you the leverage necessary to prove to the evaluators that you definitely have laser-vision focus on this specific trait.
As for the latter parts of the writing, I find that you still needed to address certain areas. For example, I also agree with the prior comment that you needed to hammer down more on how this specific career has oriented you to become who you are now.