Hi all, please comment on my UC application essay. I am applying as undergraduate business management / economic major.
The question is: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
"Success is often achieved by those who don't know what failure is inevitable" by Gabrielle "Coco" Bonheur Chanel is my life inspiration. As one of the most influential women in fashion design, her design creativity, entrepreneurial spirit, and determination to success have motivated my daily life. As a teenage girl growing up in a family jewelry business, I have watched how my parents research market trend, sketch jewelry mounting model, analyze and choose appropriate gems, and create attractive marketing slogan for the product. It always excites me to witness the process of making pieces of jewelry till the satisfactory face of customer wearing them. It also slowly sparks my desire to become a women entrepreneur and fashion designer.
Like most girls, I adore wearing sparkling accessories in my daily life. However, unlike most of the teenage girls who turn to department store for jewelry purchase, I am running an online jewelry store specializing in low end accessories. The business idea was first developed when I attended the 2009 Hongkong International Jewelry Show with my parents. It was the largest annual jewelry fair in Asia that exhibits wide range of high quality jewelry and timepieces. As I wondered through different show rooms, the synthetic gemstone section captured my attention. I was amazed at the value of cubic zirconia and sterling silver based jewelries. The vendors showed newest fashion models, high quality products, with an unbeatable price. The products on display were much superior in quality compared to the department stores in Indonesia, at less than a tenth of store retail price. How can I get these jewelries into Indonesia? Where can I sell it? I started developing ideas for possible market opportunity couple with the blooming of social media in Indonesia. Online retailer is becoming a low budget entry market place for many people due to the advancement in ecommerce payment such as Paypal. I always admire young entrepreneur like Cameron Johnson, who started first venture at the age of nine making greeting cards and selling plush toys online. I estimated the budget for an online jewelry shop would be as low as $300. My parents fully supported the idea and introduced me to two zirconia based jewelry retailer, Modern Designer Co (HongKong) and NamKeungHong (Guangzhou, China). Both retailers agreed to supply me through young entrepreneur program with small quantity shipment of $500 minimum order per year. I choose Kaskus.com as website community for my L's Design Jewelry online store. Kaskus is the largest Indonesia community website with more than 4 million registered users. I utilize social media such as Facebook, Twitter, and Myspace as routes for advertisement. The business was a hit from start. With product priced as low as $1, the gemstone a-like zirconia earing, bracelet, and necklace are in popular demand. The revenue was over $800 in first year of operation and numbers of order keep growing together with positive reviews I received online. I even received orders for custom theme event such as birthday party, which I consulted with customer to assemble jewelry sets for all guests together with birthday decorations. In 2012, the annual revenue reached $3800.
While I enjoyed the success of L's Design, I also learn about my shortcomings in business operation and want to learn more business management and economics in college. I want to educate myself with resource and financial management, business ethics, social economics, company strategies, investment, etc. I am motivated to attend an undergraduate business program that will nurtures entrepreneurial talent and fosters critical thinking skills. I determine to pave my future as a successful women entrepreneur.
Any comment will be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
I think that the essay is very well written! It is very clear what your dreams and aspirations are.
I don't think your response answers the prompt very clearly.The prompt is asking about the world you come from and I find it hard to locate in your essay this aspect of the prompt. Through your personal statements, UC is trying to really figure out what you are like as a person. I know that you are very passionate about business but I don't really feel that so much from your essay. Maybe you could elaborate more on your parents and what sets you apart from the teenage girls around you. True you are going into business, but I feel like sometimes the dollar amounts make your essay seem not very personal. Make UC feel your passion! (sorry if that sounded corny)
This is just my opinion! Hope it helps!
