Hi. this is my essay that i will be using in my college application. Its not completely finished yet, but almost :) I still need to write an intro, and i think a conclusion.
So do you have suggestions how to start an essay for a college application? and please give me your opinions about the rest of the essay too. Thanks
I revised my essay a little bit, I am putting the revised edition below the original. Do you think the changes are better for the essay?
Career in the Aviation FieldRevised Essay:
Many people need to travel far and wide for the education that is best for them. Luckily, this is not the case for me! Even though I love to travel, I am happy that the college with specific programs that are perfect for me is located about an hour away; in Bridgewater Massachusetts! Bridgewater State College offers a high standard of education that I know will prepare me for my adult working life, and lead me to my personal success. Of all my previous career interests and ideas, there is one that has always reoccurred in my brainstorming: commercial aviation. BSC can satisfy my hunger to learn about the field and is the key that can unlock not only my chances of achieving my career goals, but also leading a successful happy life.
My extreme interest in aviation heavily influences my career interest: a commercial airline pilot. As many people believe, you can't succeed in aviation unless you have a strong passion for it. I have always loved to fly, and love aircraft themselves. I can't think of one time where I have not been excited to board an airliner, even for a 14 hour flight returning from a perfect vacation! Everything about flying appeals to my senses; the pressure sensation on my back as the aircraft barrels down the runway and lifts off, the jet engine spooling noises during takeoff, and even the distinctive jet fuel scent that fills the cabin when the turbofans are being started are just a few examples. I also love everything about an aircraft itself; the appearance, and instruments, controls and systems that successfully drive the aircraft increase my interest in airliners. All of these aspects about aviation further strengthen my desire to become a pilot. When watching aviation videos online, the sounds of the flight deck together with the sounds of the engines while the pilot lands the aircraft perfectly all combine together into one strong feeling of awe that takes over my mind. I really love everything about flying and airliners, and want to operate them for my career.
My academic interests mostly involve everything about aviation, but there are other subjects that grasp my interest as well. Web, graphic, and 3D graphic design on the computer all motivate me. Even though I didn't take any classes in these subjects at school or anywhere else, I have developed professional skills in these fields by experience and self-teaching. I have made several websites in the past, and currently upkeep one website that offers free custom content for the computer game, The Sims 2. By managing this website, I can practice all of my computer design skills: 3D, graphic and web. In high school, I enjoyed reading novels such as The Great Gatsby and To Kill a Mockingbird. Their affluence in details are difficult to interpret without reading well. I was motivated by this challenge to read carefully, and correctly answer questions based on the reading. This made the experience of reading them so enjoyable for me, and made English class one of my academic interests. My main academic interest however is aviation. I am excited to have the opportunity to study this subject academically. I always like to know how complex systems work, especially in aircraft. I am interested in learning more about aircraft systems such as GPWS (Ground Proximity Warning System), and RA (resolution advisory) system because of how interesting they are to me. I want to know everything about commercial airliners. I want to know how all of the systems and instruments work, what they do, and how to control them. I am intrigued to know what every switch, knob and button does on an airliner. I am also excited for every course that is part of the aviation curriculum, such as meteorology and flight physics; weather patterns at flight levels interest me. I am hungry to learn everything that Bridgewater State College can teach me through the aviation major!
After researching a variety of schools which have programs in my area of academic interest, aviation, I believe that BSC is the one which can best help me reach my goal of becoming a pilot. Bridgewater has a well-respected aviation program that is a perfect fit for my areas of interest and the goals I wish to achieve. I will be able to work on a college degree while I earn my pilot ratings through flight lessons, and have the opportunity to instruct other students in an aircraft to build up flight hours as I progress. I have prepared myself for the aviation classes by reading many informative articles, books and websites about aviation and piloting. Bridgewater State College can increase the knowledge about aviation that I have received by reading, and can lead me to success in my adult working life.
I strongly believe that when I graduate with my education from Bridgewater State College and enter the work force, I will have an advantage over most other people entering the same industry as me. The aviation training program as a degree is exactly what I need to prepare myself for my career life. I am determined that Bridgewater State College can deliver me to my success as best as I manage it to, and can fulfill my goals of becoming successful in the commercial aviation industry.
So the reason why i added these revisions is because someone said to describe why i like the two novels. and i think i did that well But what do you think?
and someone said "Try to make your reasons for liking flying in the beginning of the essay more technical and less physical (i.e. smell of jet fuel, the way the planes look)"
Would you agree with this? I read that it is good to have imagery in your essay and i learn from school to provide insight. Do you think it provides insight?
Also:: i want to add the question that i am answering in the essay.
Question: Discuss your academic interest and career goals and describe your view of how BSC can facilitate your success.
Do you think my essay sticks with the concept of the essay and answers the question accurately?
How do you feel about the "watching aviation videos online" part? That is the only way that i could explain how i know that i love the operations of the pilots during flight, but i still feel that it isn't completely on topic..i may revise that part a lot aswell.
so I really appreciate everyone who is helping/wants to help or whatever lol thank you very much!!