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inck243 1 / 3  
Oct 27, 2006   #1
Hi. this is my essay that i will be using in my college application. Its not completely finished yet, but almost :) I still need to write an intro, and i think a conclusion.

So do you have suggestions how to start an essay for a college application? and please give me your opinions about the rest of the essay too. Thanks

The essay:

I revised my essay a little bit, I am putting the revised edition below the original. Do you think the changes are better for the essay?

Career in the Aviation Field

Revised Essay:

Many people need to travel far and wide for the education that is best for them. Luckily, this is not the case for me! Even though I love to travel, I am happy that the college with specific programs that are perfect for me is located about an hour away; in Bridgewater Massachusetts! Bridgewater State College offers a high standard of education that I know will prepare me for my adult working life, and lead me to my personal success. Of all my previous career interests and ideas, there is one that has always reoccurred in my brainstorming: commercial aviation. BSC can satisfy my hunger to learn about the field and is the key that can unlock not only my chances of achieving my career goals, but also leading a successful happy life.

My extreme interest in aviation heavily influences my career interest: a commercial airline pilot. As many people believe, you can't succeed in aviation unless you have a strong passion for it. I have always loved to fly, and love aircraft themselves. I can't think of one time where I have not been excited to board an airliner, even for a 14 hour flight returning from a perfect vacation! Everything about flying appeals to my senses; the pressure sensation on my back as the aircraft barrels down the runway and lifts off, the jet engine spooling noises during takeoff, and even the distinctive jet fuel scent that fills the cabin when the turbofans are being started are just a few examples. I also love everything about an aircraft itself; the appearance, and instruments, controls and systems that successfully drive the aircraft increase my interest in airliners. All of these aspects about aviation further strengthen my desire to become a pilot. When watching aviation videos online, the sounds of the flight deck together with the sounds of the engines while the pilot lands the aircraft perfectly all combine together into one strong feeling of awe that takes over my mind. I really love everything about flying and airliners, and want to operate them for my career.

My academic interests mostly involve everything about aviation, but there are other subjects that grasp my interest as well. Web, graphic, and 3D graphic design on the computer all motivate me. Even though I didn't take any classes in these subjects at school or anywhere else, I have developed professional skills in these fields by experience and self-teaching. I have made several websites in the past, and currently upkeep one website that offers free custom content for the computer game, The Sims 2. By managing this website, I can practice all of my computer design skills: 3D, graphic and web. In high school, I enjoyed reading novels such as The Great Gatsby and To Kill a Mockingbird. Their affluence in details are difficult to interpret without reading well. I was motivated by this challenge to read carefully, and correctly answer questions based on the reading. This made the experience of reading them so enjoyable for me, and made English class one of my academic interests. My main academic interest however is aviation. I am excited to have the opportunity to study this subject academically. I always like to know how complex systems work, especially in aircraft. I am interested in learning more about aircraft systems such as GPWS (Ground Proximity Warning System), and RA (resolution advisory) system because of how interesting they are to me. I want to know everything about commercial airliners. I want to know how all of the systems and instruments work, what they do, and how to control them. I am intrigued to know what every switch, knob and button does on an airliner. I am also excited for every course that is part of the aviation curriculum, such as meteorology and flight physics; weather patterns at flight levels interest me. I am hungry to learn everything that Bridgewater State College can teach me through the aviation major!

After researching a variety of schools which have programs in my area of academic interest, aviation, I believe that BSC is the one which can best help me reach my goal of becoming a pilot. Bridgewater has a well-respected aviation program that is a perfect fit for my areas of interest and the goals I wish to achieve. I will be able to work on a college degree while I earn my pilot ratings through flight lessons, and have the opportunity to instruct other students in an aircraft to build up flight hours as I progress. I have prepared myself for the aviation classes by reading many informative articles, books and websites about aviation and piloting. Bridgewater State College can increase the knowledge about aviation that I have received by reading, and can lead me to success in my adult working life.

I strongly believe that when I graduate with my education from Bridgewater State College and enter the work force, I will have an advantage over most other people entering the same industry as me. The aviation training program as a degree is exactly what I need to prepare myself for my career life. I am determined that Bridgewater State College can deliver me to my success as best as I manage it to, and can fulfill my goals of becoming successful in the commercial aviation industry.


So the reason why i added these revisions is because someone said to describe why i like the two novels. and i think i did that well But what do you think?

and someone said "Try to make your reasons for liking flying in the beginning of the essay more technical and less physical (i.e. smell of jet fuel, the way the planes look)"

Would you agree with this? I read that it is good to have imagery in your essay and i learn from school to provide insight. Do you think it provides insight?

Also:: i want to add the question that i am answering in the essay.

Question: Discuss your academic interest and career goals and describe your view of how BSC can facilitate your success.

Do you think my essay sticks with the concept of the essay and answers the question accurately?

How do you feel about the "watching aviation videos online" part? That is the only way that i could explain how i know that i love the operations of the pilots during flight, but i still feel that it isn't completely on topic..i may revise that part a lot aswell.

so I really appreciate everyone who is helping/wants to help or whatever lol thank you very much!!
EF_Team2 1 / 1708  
Oct 27, 2006   #2
Your essay certainly conveys your love of aviation and flying. In fact, the first paragraph is dedicated almost entirely to how planes, flying and all things aviation make you feel. I think your essay might benefit from spending a bit more time on the academic aspects of aviation -- perhaps some of the courses you are interested in taking and how your high school courses prepared you for them -- and less on the emotional aspects. As with all essays, start with a topic sentence that summarizes the purpose of your essay, for example: "After researching a variety of schools which have programs in my area of academic interest, aviation, I believe that BSC is the one which can best help me reach my goal of becoming a pilot."

While imagery is certainly important in some types of essays, I'm not sure I agree that a college admission essay is one where you need a lot of it. The insight your essay should provide is insight into why you are qualified to be admitted to BSC.

You say,"Bridgewater has an amazing aviation program that I am completely interested in studying." Being more specific about what this school has that makes it good and why you think this school will help you accomplish your specific career goals would show that you have done your homework about the school. You might also consider using somewhat more mature-sounding adjectives: "Bridgewater has a well-respected aviation program that is a perfect fit for my areas of interest and the goals I wish to achieve."

In short, I think you have a great start here, but I'd recommend re-working the first paragraph and continue tweaking the rest of it until it tells BSC exactly what they are looking for.

Hope you find this helpful!
OP inck243 1 / 3  
Oct 28, 2006   #3
Thank you! this is very helpful to me :)

I will make it more related to the college lol. When I visited the college and went to their open house, everyone from the aviation department said that if you don't love aviation, you won't do well in the course at all and end up not graduating from it. So i just wanted to make sure that it was clear that they know that this course is for me lol. And it provides evidence as to why i want it as a career.

I probably have to reorganize the essay.. I was thinking of having it go along the lines of

Paragraph 1: Career Interest
paragraph 2: Academic interest (aviation)
Paragraph 3: How BSC can work with me blabla and why i want to be in the program, etc.

So i dont think i should mix the career interest of aviation with academic interest of aviation. Do you agree?

I'll also add more to the academic paragraph and refine my topic sentences and words. :)

Thanks again!! Ill post the revision when im done if you want lol :D
EF_Team2 1 / 1708  
Oct 28, 2006   #4
Yes, I think your organizational ideas will work very well! I'd be happy to have a look when you're finished.
EF_Team2 1 / 1708  
Oct 29, 2006   #5

Yes, I like your new opening! I think you have greatly improved the essay from the original draft. And yes, you are welcome to use any wordings I suggest to you. I have a few more suggestions, mainly to do with punctuation.

Most of the time when you use a semicolon, you really need a colon, because the phrase that follows explains or elaborates on the first part of the sentence.

"flying appeals to my senses: the pressure sensation ... "
" meteorology and flight physics: weather patterns at flight levels interest me."

This sentence is a little more of a judgment call, but I think an em-dash is the best choice, rather than a colon:
"located about an hour away-- in Bridgewater Massachusetts!"

This paragraph has its own subject, reading, so I'd make it a separate paragraph. I'd also change "affluence of details are ..." which sounds a bit awkward. I made a couple of other minor changes as well:

"In high school, I enjoyed reading novels such as The Great Gatsby and To Kill a Mockingbird. The richness of detail is difficult to interpret without reading well. I was motivated by this challenge to read carefully, and correctly answer questions based on the reading. This made the experience of reading more enjoyable for me and made English class one of my academic interests."

Then start a new paragraph when you go back to aviation. Your last paragraph could be worded a little more gracefully. I would suggest something like:

"I strongly believe that when I graduate from Bridgewater State College and enter the work force, I will have an advantage over most other people in the same industry. The aviation training program BSC provides is exactly what I need to prepare myself for the career I have chosen. I feel quite sure that Bridgewater State College is the best choice for successful fulfillment of my goals in the commercial aviation industry."

I'd say you're well on your way to a great career!


Sarah, EssayForum.com
OP inck243 1 / 3  
Oct 30, 2006   #6
thank you very much for helping me with this! You are very helpful. :)

I just have one last question lol, about a header and title.

Should i have my name,date, and anything else? And i should make a title at the top right?

Thanks again :)

EF_Team2 1 / 1708  
Oct 30, 2006   #7
Greetings, Nick!

I'm glad I could be helpful. As to your question: it depends what type of citation you are supposed to use. If it's MLA, the MLA Handbook specifies that you list your name, instructor's name, course number and date at the left-hand margin at the top of the first page, each on a separate line, double-spaced between each line.

That is, if you don't use a separate title page. The title page has the title on line 20, centered; student name, instructor's name, course and date are single spaced, right-justified, one below the other, beginning on line 40.

If you are supposed to use another format, let me know and I'll try to give you information on that.

Best of luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com
OP inck243 1 / 3  
Oct 30, 2006   #8
Well this essay is just going to go along with my college application. On the application all it says is respond to the following recomended topics, and then the question that i'm answering. It dosen't say anything about a format.

And i don't have an instructor, or any course numbers,

And it is ok to abbreviate the college name right? like BSC instead of writing it out? I figured it would be ok, because wiring out the full name would get redundant.

thanks :D
EF_Team2 1 / 1708  
Oct 31, 2006   #9
If they don't specify a particular format, I wouldn't worry about it. And yes, as far as abbreviating the college name, I'd probably write it out the first time you use it, then abbreviate subsequent uses -- although it might be nice to spell it out again at the very end, as a sort of summing up. That's not mandatory, just an option.

Good luck with your application!

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