Beautiful sounds of music; Common App - Extracurricular activity

Briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences

From the moment I was born, I was surrounded by the beautiful sounds of music emanating from my older brothers' musical instruments. They greatly inspired me to develop my own instrumental ability, which has since turned into a life-long discipline. I am very grateful to have had music in my life as it has taught me numerous things that I will continue value for the rest of my life. Through practicing, composing, and playing music for several years, I have learned that dedication, discipline, and perseverance are essential for success. To me, music is an opportunity to progress in something that can greatly benefit myself as well as others. It is an outlet for my creativity and self-expression and has allowed me to connect with many people in wonderful ways. I consider musicality a tool for self development as it has certainly shaped who I am as a person. It has taught me so many invaluable things, including a tenacious work ethic, being one with my mind-body, and memorization skills.

Overall, I believe your essay could benefit with more concrete examples/small anecdotes. While the it generally flows very smoothly, the actual content is not that different from a list of lists of positive adjectives.

Thanks for the feedback, I really appreciate it! I made some revisions, so if you could please tell me what you think.

1) indoctrinate - Teach (a person or group) to accept a set of beliefs uncritically: "broadcasting was a vehicle for indoctrinating the masses". Are you sure this is what you mean to convey? The word has some negative connotations.

I think this is a large improvement from your last essay! Almost there. The two small anecdotes you slid in (Steve Vai and the underclassman) really add to the essay. I think you should elaborate and stay away from adding more 'telling.' Remember, the fact that you are even writing about music already implies how important it is to you.

From the moment I was born, I was surrounded by the beautiful sounds of music emanating from my older brothers' musical instruments.
I think you should include what instruments since it could help create an image in the reader's mind.

I specified which instruments to create imagery and avoid adding a transition into the next sentence. Also, please suggest if I should replace "As I played his favorite music for him, his face lit up like the reflection of a young boy watching Steve Vai on T.V." - with - "His face lit up when I played his favorite music for him, reminding me of an inspired young boy watching Steve Vai."

Your essay is very good, in my opinion. It shows your passion for music and how music has affected you as a person. My only criticism was that it could use more concrete details, which I just saw you added in the last comment. By mentioning your admiration of Steve Vai you make your essay more unique. Great job and good luck! :)