Behavirol Financial Class/ Wharton Retail Club; U PENN- HOW I'll ENGAGE ACADEMICALLY

A Penn education provides a liberal arts and sciences foundation across multiple disciplines with a practical emphasis in one of four undergraduate schools: the College of Arts and Sciences, the School of Engineering and Applied Science, the School of Nursing, or the Wharton School.

Given the undergraduate school to which you are applying, please discuss how you will engage academically at Penn.
(Please answer in 300 words or less.)

Here is my INCOMPLETE AND UNREVISED essay...all I want to know is it is a good style, and I should continue... or should I be more direct and just state what i will be doing there????

"YAAAAAAAAAA," as soon as I lay eyes on The University of Pennsylvania I will stop, drop to my knees and shout, eager to get started. 100 souls veer my direction and I stand up shrugging off all the dirt and grime from my past and move forward. Oh and I see you, I see you observing this year's admits with a smile, I bestow to you the honorable Hollywood slow motion nod. Then, I make my way to my behavioral finance class, text book in one and an Arizona Sweet Tea in the other! Maybe later I will go to the Wharton Retail club orientation to introduce myself or maybe I will go to the ___________ to create the club I have been visioning at Penn. I will excel, I will fight for my academic career, and I will innovate. You see me and Penn have a thing, this is why she and I are going to be academically engaged soon. It's a mutual agreement, she gives to me and I give to her, till death do us part.

Yes, the behavioral Finance class. This is where I will baffle the minds of students and professors by debating all theories on what drives investor's decisions. Good thing I have taken a couple of psychology classes and my Macro Economics professor was keen on the social aspect of economics. This kind of passion drives me to study. To understand what these lectures mean, and how they can be applied to whatever I pursue. Darn, next semester I have financial engineering! No worries, I will attempt to understand the major concepts while I have some free time on my hands, I shall not fear. Work hard, study hard, and love the game, I don't know why it took till I was 19 to figure this simple method out.

Next stop is the Wharton Retail club. This is where I feel like I am home again, managing the family business. Maybe with my background of two years in retail I can contribute to the activities students pursue. I can provide insight to other students ranging from important marketing strategies

I like the direction you're taking. Starting out with "YAAAAA" may be too much if the penn admission officers have the same reaction as me, which was taken back and slightly confused. You can just start with 'As soon as I...' rather then the dialogue quote.

You definitely appear very energetic!

Near the end when you say 'Darn, next semester..no worries' I would omit that part. It creates a roller coaster from super excited to apprehensive, and then back to super excited, which is a bad feeling to give admin officers.

I would remove this

Darn, next semester I have financial engineering! No worries, I will attempt to understand the major concepts while I have some free time on my hands, I shall not fear. Work hard, study hard, and love the game, I don't know why it took till I was 19 to figure this simple method out.

It points out you'll only attempt , ya know, maybe when you have some free time , and you dont know why you couldnt do something so simple before . for the last red annotation, explain why you werent able to do this simple method (i.e you tried too hard, ~try turning a bad thing into a good thing~) and how its changed you.

Please help with my own! They're due tomorrow. I can give advice but i cant follow my own!

I suppose this is the legendary "Unconventional Wow Factor Essay." Well met, essay. xD

This may be a matter of personal taste, but I feel like you stand to gain more being straightforward and direct, as with this approach it seems like you're walking a tightrope between "Hey, this person is really creative and cool!" and "What on Earth did I just read? O_o"

Also, "Penn and I" have a thing. Heil Grammar!

Thanks. Lol. The "I" thing is really embarrassing. In my defense I threw the essay together just to see your views on this approach. Nevertheless, I decided I am not going to do it this way because a billion other students will. I will take your advice and make it simple.