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B.U.- "This is me, and Boston is where I would like to be" essay : ))


christiek  
Dec 2, 2009   #1
In an essay of no more than 500 words, please select 3 words that describe you best and tell us how you will use these qualities/characteristics to contribute fully to the BU community.

There was a blank space on the shirt for you to fill in after the words "I am..." and a phrase that read, "Define your life" underneath it. It was an appealing shirt to purchase, but I thought about myself reaching over for a black permanent marker and contemplating for days what word I should write there. I couldn't think of an appropriate adjective. As the days, weeks, and months sailed by, the people in my life have helped me realize the impact I have on them because of who I am.

"Christie, I can hear your laugh across the campus!" It was actually an embarrassing thought at first, but then I learned to appreciate the fact that I can put a smile on someone's face. A noticeable characteristic of mine is one of contagiousness from my laughter. I have become well known for my boisterous and striking laugh. I receive comments about my laugh from my peers and teachers leave little notes in my yearbook at the end of the school year. I came across an article one day that explained how laughing increases your life span, and at the same time alleviates any sort of negative feelings. These positive affects can be spread through my peers because my laugh is infectious. A chain reaction will start from one person who can give off a hearty laugh.

I am a compassionate person towards others and their beliefs. Throughout my experiences in and out of school, I have learned that open-mindedness is always helpful. Simply taking others' ideas about novels we read in English class into consideration broadens my perspective on key themes the author tries to portray to the reader. It is a thirst for more information and insight about something that keeps my mind open to accepting new things. My body is always thirsty for subtraction soup. The more I consume, the hunger for knowledge is never ceased. Sometimes, there are situations I could be adamant in my beliefs. However, I believe that not being open-minded is like having an immovable and massive boulder in the middle of your path. I can contribute to the Boston University community by being a person that is always willing to listen and be intrigued by the diversity of people's opinions and cultures.

Some people may think that loyalty is a negative characteristic because in movies, and even in novels, the loyal ones are the first to die or the ones that look the weakest. Underneath the surface is much more than what appears to be submissiveness, but it is deep dedication and trustworthiness that remains stable in a loyal friend. I am not just that friend who has been on the scene for more than seven years; I am that friend who has been willing to make sacrifices to make relationships stronger. I can contribute to the Boston community by being a devoted student and a faithful friend.

definicion.myshopify.com/products/i-am-t-shirt

The "I am..." shirt that I am talking about- no pun intended : ) haha

In five or six sentences, tell us how you first became interested in BU and what steps you have taken to learn more about us.

I felt a sense of balance when I visited Boston two summers ago. The school colors, scarlet and white, reminded me of an association with blood and peace. Scarlet is earned through hard work and dedication. Within the bustling city of Boston there are many experiences that can be carried out as a college student. The Charles River campus, large diverse student body, distinctive seasonal weather and historical background of America that originates there, are all attractive characteristics of B.U. These aspects bring peace to my mind and soul- I can picture myself clearly in this university.

Thank you! : )

yang  
Dec 3, 2009   #2
These positive affects can be spread through my peers because my laugh is infectious. A chain reaction will start from one person who can give off a hearty laugh.

great, but you already talked about that in

A noticeable characteristic of mine is one of contagiousness from my laughter.

My body is always thirsty for subtraction soup. The more I consume, the hunger for knowledge is never ceased.

colon maybe? and sorry, i really didn't get the subtraction soup reference.
and should be : the more I consume, the hungrier I become for knowledge.

in movies, and even in novels -> in movies and novels

Underneath the surface is much more than what appears to be submissiveness, but it is deep dedication and trustworthiness that remains stable in a loyal friend.

why not make this entire thing about you? you could say: but I think that bla bla, and I am dedicated and bla bla. avoid universal truth. talk about YOU

You are a big wordier you need to be on that one, and try incorporate more personal thoughts/examples.

The school colors, scarlet and white, reminded me of an association with blood and peace. Scarlet is earned through hard work and dedication.

couldn't you make this in 1 sentence?
the school colors, white and scarlet which symbolizes blabla, reminded me of...
peace and blood, you sure that's the kinda balance you want to make? I don't think boston wanted their scarlet or crimson or red color to be for war or sin. btw, try not using scarlet, it reminds me of scarlet letter in which is has a VERY NEGATIVE connotation

dedication. Within the bustling

transition?

Within the bustling city of Boston there are many experiences that can be carried out as a college student. The Charles River campus, large diverse student body, distinctive seasonal weather and historical background of America that originates there, are all attractive characteristics of B.U.

so what are the experiences? the second sentence in no way links to the first one. (yes, i get that you talk about the city in second sentence, but apart from that, they don't link)

These aspects bring peace to my mind and soul- I can picture myself clearly in this university.

repeat?
and btw, i can picture myself clearly in this university also. it tells 0 about you

tell us how you first became interested in BU and what steps you have taken to learn more about us.

so the only part that actually answers the question is when you said: when I visited Boston two summers ago.
true, the question implies that you have to talk about why you like the college, but MUST overshadows implies and YOU NEED TO ANSWER THE QUESTION FIRST.

talk about your visit (in which you can incorporate all the stuff), and talk about what steps you have taken to learn more about us lol this sounds just like the prompt! absolutely no pun intended :D

good luck.
Mayada  
Dec 3, 2009   #3
A chain reaction will start from one person who can give off a hearty laugh.

Hehe, I LOVED this sentence :P

Overall, I really liked your style of writing.. I think you have a beautiful way to express yourself. However, your essay kinda lacks evidence.. You describe yourself in such a lovely way but have not provided any stories or something to support your statements. You should show more than tell.. Good job though, you have a really nice tone in your pieces.

:)
Mustafa1991 4  
Dec 3, 2009   #4
So I take it your three words are "enlivening", "compassionate", and "loyal."

Let me be restrained, not hypercritical, because your essay is requisitely well written and I like the subject matter.

Everything says the first paragraph can go. The three point format you seem to embrace can also go. All of the informal references can go.

Whether or not those adjectives accurately describe you, they are very strong ones to choose for this essay. As I said, the first paragraph must be cut or modified... since it only rehashes the prompt. I think you focus too much on the laughing itself in the second paragraph; tweak it to indicate the source of that laughter. The point format has never been my favorite but I think you do ok with it. Lose the informal mannerisms, no joke. Lastly, fix the grammar errors to tighten up.

This example illustrates the areas wanting work.

A noticeable characteristic of mine is one of contagiousness from my laughter.

So you're writing in a strangled sort of way and "one of" preceding "contagiousness" is unnecessary. Once you say characteristic of mine, you're setting restraints [using modifiers] that need to be observed and respected in the words that follow. "A" makes "one" useless, more importantly, awkward and incorrect. You already said it's of you, so how could it be of contagiousness from your laughter? Mistakenly, you're saying "of contagiousness from my laughter" as if it's a trait itself. You could always say "A noticeable characteristic of mine is one of a humble upbringing...pause... characteristic ... That further qualifies the characteristic so it's not only of you, but it ALSO belong to whatever category, but that is a different sense of the word "of."

The "of" you mean to use is for the sake of specific identity whereas the use I provided employs "of" in the sense so to indicate origin in a correct manner (without conflicting) with the first "of."

Contagiousness from my laughter is ambiguous for it is unclear what "contagiousness" entails, also because a contagion of good spirits does not rest in your control. If I cry wretchedly and people stop to stare, I cannot reduce a claim on how they react to package and present as a characteristic of mine. For those reasons (i.e. the sentence is overrun by errors) you should patch it up.

But all that precision is worth laughing over, overshadowed by the general kinks in your prose (strangled writing referred to just earlier), specifically your tendency to pass over the initiative, which makes for weak and awkward writing that spreads through and through.

Notwithstanding sporadic spurts of labored writing, this is a solid essay.


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