I tried not to focus too much on the open curriculum because it's such a common topic. Any comments or corrections would be appreciated!
1. Please tell us more about your interest in Brown. Why does Brown appeal to you as a college option? Who or what has influenced your decision to apply? (1000 characters)
In addition to its unique open-curriculum, Brown has appealed to me in countless ways. Although students at Brown complete challenging coursework, many students also label the school an awesome place to hang out. Although not a small school, the caring way the administration provides for its students-free H1N1 flu shots or its Peer Support Network that is open nearly 12 hours a day-has proven wrong the stereotype that college was all about "every man for himself". For me, learning cannot be done just through books and lectures-I have longed to learn outside the classroom, experiencing for myself the field that I study. The fact that Brown offers endless opportunities for such activities through the annual Internship, Research and Funding Showcase as well as interest groups such as the Women Leadership Council has exceeded my expectations. I hope that I may be able to enjoy these benefits as a future proud Brunonian and also find a way to give to the campus in return.
i like your idea about abandoning the open cirriculum, i did also, but i think for an 1000 character essay where every word matters, you could make it more powerful, really be selective of your word choices and phrases, because each one matters more for a shorter one obviously.
I think you have a decent idea, but you make it cliche esque w/ your quote every man for himself. that autmomatically turns the reader off and autmomatically hints this might be cliche esque even if its not. The idea of not learning through books only has also been repeated so often, focus on one or two things like research, an internship or the women leadership council and talk about that, and your first line w/ in addition to the open cirriculm is unecessary, if you want to refer to this later in the essay, you can try, but its really just a weak way to start the essay and weakens its focus. Good luck, sorry if this is harsh, but brown is the type of school where interest and visiting does actually matter, these kind of essays even though they are short, matter for Brown, alot of schools they dont, but not at brown.
I actually TOTALLY changed my essay. Can anyone read it over for me???
1. Please tell us more about your interest in Brown. Why does Brown appeal to you as a college option? Who or what has influenced your decision to apply? (1000 characters)
June 14, 2014 - Dear Journal,
I brush the sleep from my eyes, and it is 7 AM. My dorm buddies are still asleep so I tiptoed to the restroom in my Brown University sweats. I should hurry to meet my Women Leadership Council mentor, a successful US diplomat since the day she graduated from Brown itself. I can't wait to talk to her about my senior thesis for my Foundations of Political Analysis class. Oh man.. I have kinks in my back-I slept near 3AM studying for my exams. Haven't been able to get much sleep these days studying both international relations and medicine, but PLME is by far the best thing that's happened to me. I still had fun though. We ventured downtown "College Hill" to Thayer St. to grab a quick dinner after hearing the previous Russian prime minister Gorbachev speak at a poli-sci event last week. I can't believe that it's already been four years at Brown and I can't wait for the next four! Maybe I should plan for a study abroad trip???
Hello =)
Ugh, stupid word limit! lol
Um, I don't know much about Brown, but your approach is interesting. Even though it's a diary entry, I feel it's too colloquial.
I think you should take out the first sentence and write more about Brown's characteristics that appeal to you. You mention your interest to Brown's programs like PLME and the chance to meet the US diplomat lady, but it's very brief. Instead of writing "Oh man I slept near 3 and so on" , explain your reasons why those interest you in detail.
I strongly suggest you explain more about the activities. Good luck =)
Will you take a look at mine?
Thank you
I like the whole "Dear journal" idea, but I think the substance is slightly lacking. Basically, Brown is asking you:
1) Why Brown?
2) What made you want to apply?
I think your journal entry is a bit too superficial, as it shows nothing about you and only about what you hope to major in. It also doesn't apply specifically to Brown- you can replace the name "Brown" with any other university and the essay still works. It needs to be college-specific and focus on YOU.
joosunggrace
I like the idea. You've used subtle undertones to indicate stuff that distinguishes Brown from the rest. But I think you should also be more explicit: directly stating why Brown is awesome. Perhaps you can reiterate Brown's awesomeness towards the end of you journal entry.
There are a few grammatical errors. For instance, it should be 'tiptoe' not 'tiptoed.' Be consistent with tenses. Write either in the past or the present!
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