Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width   Posts: 3


"Building is my passion" - Penn supplemental essay - Is it specific enough?



lizziem 3 / 5  
Nov 1, 2010   #1
Building has always been a passion of mine. With a keen grasp of math and science, I feel that engineering would be a perfect field of study for me. In high school, I have maintained a rigorous academic schedule and like the challenge of learning new material. At the same time, I realize that athletics are an equally important aspect of my studies. At the University of Pennsylvania, I see a great opportunity for myself to excel in both of these areas. On a smaller scale, there are a number of groups at Penn that appeal to my specific tastes in both academics and athletics.

A major real-world issue that I have come to follow is sustainability. I think that my generation will have to be the first to start planning for a future without fossil fuels and I think that solar energy will play a crucial role in that future. Recently, I spent some time working as an intern in the Renewable Energy department at PSEG. Solar energy is a huge focus within the department, and it seems to show a great deal of promise. Currently, however, it is an under-researched field with potential to grow. At Penn, I would love to learn more about the industry through programs like Penn Solar. In addition, as a member of this group, I would pursue opportunities to perform and learn about research regarding solar energy.

Another important engineering related activity I have been interested in for the past few years has been the Appalachia Service Project. It has shown me a number of things about myself, the most important of which was my love of building things for the greater good. I am very excited to see that Penn has a similar program in the form of Engineers Without Borders. This club is especially interesting to me because it focuses specifically on engineering projects unlike ASP, which focuses more on installing siding or building wheel-chair ramps. Engineers Without Borders would provide me with the opportunity to work on true engineering projects with greater benefits to the people and their communities.

Outside of academics, athletics play a major role in my daily life. I believe that sports are an important supplement to school work because they stimulate your body while allowing your mind to relax, the opposite of schoolwork. For this reason and because of my general love of sports, I have enthusiastically participated in as many sports throughout my high school including varsity soccer, squash, and baseball to intramural basketball and dodge ball. At Penn, I would like to continue participating in competitive sports whether on an intramural, club, or varsity team. Squash is of special interest to me. I have dedicated many hours to squash throughout high school and the opportunity to continue playing in college is another reason why I am interested in Penn.

The University of Pennsylvania is a great school for me. There are many organizations within the different schools so that I can fully investigate all my interests like Penn Solar and Engineers Without Boarders. Though I am an engineer at heart, I also have a general passion for learning and knowledge running the gambit from business plans to Dub Step music to the future of human civilization. Through the wide range of student groups at the University of Pennsylvania along with the world-class academic institutions like Penn's School of Engineering and Applied Science, I would be able to spend my time to learn, discuss, and research my ideas while taking an active role in Penn's society as the most important part of college life and The University of Pennsylvania will provide me with an opportunity to do that with all of my interests.

cstover11 - / 1  
Nov 2, 2010   #2
couple tips:

1. slightly explain squash is it is not a "mainstream" sport
2. try to make the flow between the last two paragraphs smoother

other than those two minor things seems to be a solid essay
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Nov 11, 2010   #3
Building has always been a passion of mine. ----It's too common to start by saying "XXX has always been my interest," or "I have wanted to be a YYYYY since I was ..." ---This is just too common. It would be great to start with a sentence that expresses an unexpected idea or insight about building.

Here is another sentence that you could use in a better way. Add a word or change a word, and you are able to express this in a much more interesting way: At the same time, I realize that athletics are an equally important aspect of my studies.

At the University of Pennsylvania, I see a great opportunity for myself to excel in both of these areas. ----you should name specific opportunities associated with resources or programs at the school.

Outside of academics, athletics play a major role in my daily life. I believe that sports are an important supplement to school work because they stimulate . ..------to improve the essay, edit out all the statements of the obvious and unimportant sentences, like these. Some things are just not worth including, and the essay is better without them. 300 excellent words alone is better than 300 excellent words hidden among a lot of "filler" sentences.

:-)


Home / Undergraduate / "Building is my passion" - Penn supplemental essay - Is it specific enough?
Need Writing or Editing Help?
Fill out one of these forms:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳

Academic AI Writer:
Custom AI Writer ◳