BUSINESS STRATEGIES AND TRADITIONS. College search - UPenn supplement essay

Hey, You must learn what a good title of a topic is before posting on the forum.

I would love to get some help with the content and the grammar of my essay, it's the supplement essay for UPenn which goes:

How will you explore your intellectual and academic interests at the University of Pennsylvania? Please answer this question given the specific undergraduate school to which you are applying. (400-650 words)

I'm open to all constructive criticism, suggestions and comments about it.
Thanks in advance!

Business Strategies and Traditions

When I started my college search a year and a half ago, I was convinced that I needed to find a place that would foster my intellectual pursuits and give me certain flexibility on them, as well as on my passions outside the classroom. Penn instinctively came up as my first option.

Wanting to pursue finance as my academic interest, Penn came above all other schools because of all the possibilities that I'm given. Classes such as "International Financial Markets" and "Venture Capital and the Finance of Innovation" make me eager about the opportunity to study at Penn, with them I'll finally get a real insight on my favorite topics within finance, technology and international markets; I won't be stranded anymore to have to teach myself these topics using Khan Academy videos and the Bloomberg Mobile App. But besides amazing courses, the help of world class faculty as well as state of the art resources such as Wharton's Learning Lab, where I look forward to get experience with the IEMAV simulation to learn how actual CFO's have to face troubling scenarios, make me believe there's no reason for Penn students to graduate without the best preparation possible in real world experience.

And it's not only the fact that I would get the best possible preparation, but also the most extensive one. By making use of your one-university system I would make sure to steer my College of Arts & Sciences courses towards Urban Studies; a subject I have the desire to learn more about, which I believe is crucial to get a better understanding of our globalized society. Sitting in courses like "Urbanization and its Discontents" would enlarge my perspective of how by applying modern social and political knowledge we can improve the economic conditions of many struggling cities; and understand how a new way of planning communities can help us eradicate modern problems like lack of water, and cities being reliant on the country for food.

Besides taking advantage of this system by pursuing Urban Studies, I would also enrich my academic path at UPenn by being part of the almost 20% of students who also pursue a minor degree, in my case Consumer Psychology. I am particularly interested in this minor because I could apply it to enhance my finance career. The mix between psychology, marketing, and statistics makes it an ideal academic path for a student like myself wishing to develop strong bridges between consumer behavior and business strategies.

I believe all the opportunities the Wharton School and Penn as a university offer will nurture my future career in a way that no other school can, the experiences I get here will undoubtedly change my life for the better. Manage a $1 billion portfolio with my team to get a real understanding of all the factors that are influential in trading, gather with a study group at the Van Pelt Library to try master Financial Derivatives, or be a delegate on the 51st UPMUNC, are a tiny portion of the countless experiences I expect to have during my stay in Philadelphia.

Sadly, I never had the chance to visit campus, but I have seen and read so much of it that I practically feel I've been there. I've pictured myself walking down the stairs of Huntsman Hall discussing with a Wharton fellow whether we should study at HubBub or at the Education Commons; and I can't wait to hear the classic "Here's a toast to dear old Penn" to know it's my turn to finally take part in one of the university's most unique and worshiped traditions.

@alexgzm

If you are applying for this school now, Penn University or school of finance, you should re-write your first paragraph, which seems to be an adequate in order to help you catch the reader of your essay. It is short and does not indicate that much of why in particular you choose this school.

Additionally, in the conclusion paragraph, You better say you have a great desire, wishes to be accepted in that University, As you have been dreaming of being on its campus for years. By doing this you might end your essay in a very good way. And erase the world sadly.

Best wishes.

Hi Alenandro, UPENN is really a great school and specifically Wharton is really a school I will recommend to anybody (I applied to Wharton too).

What's great about PENN is how it has all schools located in one campus, center city Philadelphia. Your essay is not really organized. You wrote about your minor too (that's great) but I think you should take a look at the course schedule for both your prospective major and minor so that you will know how to link them together. Since they allow you to pick up to three majors while filling your application, I think it's best you give a brief rundown about the other two (that's if you like) but most importantly stress more on your top proposed major (writing about it throughout the essay) explaining how Wharton will help you to realise that goal.

I hope you know that all Wharton students graduate with a Bachelor's in Economics but the difference is just the concentrations as they call it:finance,business economics and public policy,real estate, marketing etc. Most concentrations allows you to have a double concentration.

You can develop your 5th paragraph much better by naming the opportunities you think will suit you in Wharton, like: ability to research even in your first year, their leadership 100 which gears Wharton students to prepare for leadership, and so on.

Revise your essay and organise it. Make proper research about Wharton from their website and finance website since that's what your are interested in and also check out their YouTube channel (these are great ways you can learn about Wharton since you have not visited their campus). I believe this will help you to organise your essay and write with a sure voice.

Alex, my opinion is that you should try to do some research about how UPenn, and Wharton specifically, can help inspire you to learn outside of the classroom. Not all of the academic pursuits and interests need to be class based. If you pursue the class based reference to intellectual interests, you will pidgeon hole your essay into becoming just one of the many essays that discuss the same thing over and over again in the eyes of the reviewer. If you wish to stand out among the pack, then show them that you know about Wharton outside of the obvious. Look into internship programs, after school activities, or organizations that you can join which make reference to your major, but can be seen as a continuing education concept outside of the classroom. That way, your intellectual pursuits will not limit you to mere research, discussions, or interaction with professors. Look at the real world applications of intellectual interests that you can pursue at the university.

Hey @Holt @chizy7 @Hthmn

First of all, thanks for all the comments and suggestions on the essay. I made some changes according to what you told me and this is the corrected version:

Ever since I told my parents I want to study outside of Mexico they've kept asking me which school is my favorite option, my answer has always been the same, the University of Pennsylvania. From the first time I encountered its webpage I knew it was the place where I wanted to spend the next years of my life. I am convinced it's the only school that offers me a rigorous but flexible course of study as well as amazing opportunities to foster my passions; all within an ever growing diverse community.

Wanting to pursue finance as my academic interest, Penn came above all other schools because of all the possibilities that I'm given. Classes such as "International Financial Markets" and "Venture Capital and the Finance of Innovation" make me eager about the opportunity to study at Penn, with them I'll finally get a real insight on my favorite topics within finance, technology and international markets; I won't be stranded anymore to have to teach myself these topics using Khan Academy videos and the Bloomberg Mobile App.

In addition to amazing courses, the help of world class faculty as well as state of the art resources such as Wharton's Learning Lab, where I look forward to get experience with the IEMAV simulation to learn how actual CFO's have to face troubling scenarios, make me believe there's no reason for Penn students to graduate without the best preparation possible in real world experience.

And it's not only the fact that I would get the best possible preparation, but also the most extensive one. By making use of your one-university system I would make sure to steer my College of Arts & Sciences courses towards Urban Studies; a subject I have the desire to learn more about. Sitting in courses like "Urbanization and its Discontents" would enlarge my perspective of how by applying modern social and political knowledge we can improve the economic conditions of many struggling cities. I also plan on being part of the almost 20% of students who pursue a minor degree, in my case Consumer Psychology. The mix between psychology, marketing, and statistics could really enhance my finance career by helping me develop strong bridges between consumer behavior and business strategies.

As a non-traditional learner, I also seek beyond-the-classroom experiences to widen my intellectual horizons. I am particularly interested in joining the Wharton Undergraduate Finance Club and Penn International Impact Consulting. By being part of these clubs I believe I could really enrich my Penn experience. Not only would I get to meet and interact with people who share the same passion as I, but also learn real world skills that no class could teach me, and thanks to the PIIC, I would use these skills to benefit those in need. Aside from joining meaningful clubs, I'd make sure to use other amazing Penn resources such as getting a summer internship in Singapore at one of the biggest telecom companies, or participating in future UPMUN Conferences, something I'm passionate about which I believe help meet new people and gain experience on politics and public speaking, essential skills for a business career.

Even though I never had the chance to visit campus, I've seen and read so much about it that I practically feel I have been there. I've pictured myself walking down the stairs of Huntsman Hall discussing with a Wharton fellow whether we should go study at HubBub or at the Education Commons; and I can't wait to hear the classic "Here's a toast to dear old Penn" to know it's my turn to finally take part in one of Penn's most unique and worshiped traditions. The academics may have awoken my interest in Penn, but it was the school community that made me wish I was a quaker.

Hope to hear some more comments on it, Thanks!

Alex, you can omit the last paragraph in this essay. Since you have not had an actual chance to visit the campus, it is not necessary for you to present information that comes across as hearsay because you got the information from second hand sources such a student blogs, Youtube videos, and other similar sources. That weakens the impact of the essay. Currently, the essay feels very strong because of the interest progression that you developed. It gets negated when you say that you have not had the chance to visit the campus yet. Your objective should be to make sure that you close the essay on a strong note. That can be done by skipping the last paragraph. You can either develop another closing statement or you can just end the essay with the information in the current paragraph 5. It won't hurt to close the essay at that point. It closes strong because of the reference to you being an unconventional learner who will benefit from the offerings of UPenn in both the traditional and non traditional educational offerings.

@Holt

As always, thank you very much for your help on the essays!!