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"Only Personal Business" - talent, experience, UC Prompt #2



GroovyStar 2 / 1  
Nov 27, 2010   #1
Prompt #2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

In November of 2008, I was persuaded by a student to join an organization that he was the president of. I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't reluctant at first to join. At that time, my mindset was: I already have a school schedule with one-third Honors, and I'm in Speech & Debate, and now a business club? Do I really need more of an academic workload...? Nevertheless, I joined. And now, looking back, I could not have asked for a better high school experience.

Although I am not considering a career in the business field anymore, I have been shaped in many ways by being a part of Future Business Leaders of America. For instance, my professional skills (communication, problem-solving, decision-making, etc.) have gotten better. The biggest impact that FBLA membership has had on me, however, cannot be explained in only one sentence.

On a few occasions last year, the president spoke to me about the role I indirectly played in his conversations with members from other schools. "People would ask me what school I'm from," he said. "And I'd say I'm from Gilbert High School. And they would say, 'Oh, Alexia goes there!' Everybody knows you, Alexia!"

I mention this not as a means to boast, but as a means to reflect on a personal change that I've gradually undergone since becoming an FBL (Future Business Leader).

The truth is, all of the traits that I suspect have made me so well-known are natural to me NOW.
Make no mistake. The cheering? The happy screaming? The excessive socialization? The innocent fearlessness of telling guys that they are good-looking? You would not have seen me do any of those a couple of years ago. Not in FBLA, or probably in any other club or event for that matter.

Because of FBLA, its atmosphere, and the people in that atmosphere, I am a much more outgoing and extroverted person. All these impacts that FBLA has had on me are the sole reasons why I disagree when someone dismisses FBLA as just another business club. Because, in my opinion, FBLA is about more than just business. It's about life.

angelusfanatic 3 / 11  
Nov 27, 2010   #2
I feel like this is a little bit too relaxed. Its good to have a fun essay because it makes it more interesting but you need to work on connecting it to yourself more and how it has impacted you as a person. You tend to just tell a story and not as much about how it changed you in the first half. Just try to stay a bit more focused on concentrate more on the prompt THROUGHOUT the ENTIRE essay.

Hope this helps.
=)
essceejay216 4 / 38  
Nov 27, 2010   #3
You didn't get to the point until the very end of the essay. The conclusion should be the end, not where you introduce new information.

Where you put all of those questions (that weren't really questions) was kind of odd. I would probably change those into statements. It would help with the flow better and probably add some more meaning to the essay. And why did you scream "now"? That definitely shouldn't have been in all caps. Remember that this is a formal essay. You should refrain from using contractions also.

It would probably help you if you wrote an outline and got your thoughts in order. It is a great topic, you just have to change the way you relay it. Read it and see if changing the order helps. Be clearer in the things that you are trying to say.

Also, pay attention to the actual structure of your essay. Paragraphs are started by topic sentences. Supporting sentences explain the topic sentence. This will probably help your clarity also.

Good luck! Hope I helped :)


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