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Busy and the most sensitive summer 15 when something had been changed - Personal Essay



alimf95 2 / 10  
Oct 3, 2015   #1
Please reflect on something you would like us to know about you that we might not learn from the rest of your application, or on something about which you would like to say more. You may write about anything-from personal experiences or goals to interests or intellectual pursuits.

my essay:

This summer was one of the busiest and most sensitive summers of my life. The days passed so fast that I did not understand how it finished. But there was one day among these days which is still in my mind, and I cannot forget it at least for months; the most highlighted day of summer 2015.

It was about ten days to reopening of schools. The youth cinema society of Kerman, where I took my film-making course, announced that in honor of national day of cinema, a group of volunteers could take part in a one-day trip to the southern and deprived areas of the province for the sake of being among the children of there; showing a movie, and giving them some educational gifts such as pencil, notebook etc. I really was interested in going there because I always wanted to see and experience the conditions of deprived areas; how people live there, how is their daily life, and what kind of people live there. Ultimately, fourteen people gathered, and to organize our trip, we had a session some days before the trip. We talked about gifts and materials which we wanted to take there. I volunteered to buy some notebooks. Furthermore, about the movie each of us suggested one. I thought since it was near the reopening of schools, and the audiences are children mostly, it would be better if we showed "Where Is the Friend's Home?" by Abbas Kiarostami. Fortunately, my suggestion was accepted, and I prepared the movie.

We started our trip at the four o'clock of Tuesday, September 15. We wanted to serve the breakfast among the children, and it was a three-hour trip. One of the most interesting parts of trip to me was the period we were at the route of there. Almost all of the route, I was listening to Yann Tiersen pieces. The combination of French music of Tiersen, watching the arid landscapes of the southern Iran, and the early morning's air and light truly was awesome and unique. Moreover, I was wondering how I should treat the children whose thoughts were completely different, and their values were different things.

We reached there and based on our program did our plans; giving the gifts, talking with children of there and answering their questions about cinema and other things, serving simple but delicious breakfast and lunch etc. Besides, the experience of watching a movie on the projector, in the middle of arid area and out of doors, and along with the children who really did not need an equipped hall to be overwhelmed by the movie, was another unique part of this trip.

The most valuable part of this memorable trip was knowing some of the children of there. Zahra was one of whom. She was nine years old and asked me how she can be a writer. It was really inspirational to me. I told her the things I knew; reading, some tutorial books. But she had not access to them, so I promised her I would send them to her as soon as I return to Kerman. Two days later, I posted her some books, and I will, anytime I can buy some new books. Only the possibility that she might be a writer with this help, makes me excited. Zahra was only one of those children. Each of the group members had something to do when they returned to Kerman.

Meeting those children, who were like myself ambitious, changed my mind. I was impressed by those children who even did not have accessibility to the basic things of their goals, but they had not left their goals and dreams. I learned that it does not matter where and with what kind of people you are living in this world, it is important that you think to your dreams and always attempt to find a line in order to make them real.

That night we were returning to Kerman, and like the morning, I was listening to Tiersen pieces and watching the route. But I was sure that I was not that man of morning; something had been changed.

vangiespen - / 4077  
Oct 3, 2015   #2
Ali, the essay is too long. While I like the background of your visit, you have too much segue going on before you finally concentrate on the story itself. If you compare this to a movie plot, it is too slow moving. You need to pick up the pace and get to the meeting with Zhara sooner rather than later because that was the height or highlight of the trip for you.

I suggest that you review your essay for content. Look at the parts in the beginning that are causing the story to be slow moving. In my opinion, after you tell the reviewer about the exposure immersion trip to the depressed area sponsored by your school, and that you were interested in attending it (for film making inspiration purposes), you jump to the fact that you were chosen to join the group. Then from there, skip the part about the preparations. Those are not really necessary elements of the story you are trying to tell.

Develop the meeting between you and Zahra instead. Concentrate on how that meeting touched your life and changed you as a person. What was the highlight of this meeting? Why are you strongly supporting her desire to be a writer? How do you think that this event has inspired your desire to become a film-maker? Do you think you will ever make a movie about that meeting in the future? Those are some pieces of information that I believe would make this essay more interesting to read.

You must cut back on the activities such as the trip you had to the village and the music you were listening to. However, you can inform the reviewer that the planned activities for the day were completed. It does not have to be detailed like I said. What I would like you do however, is highlight your meeting with the little girl. What made you pick her out from the crowd? Take us into your mindset that attracted you to the child and prompted you to start what will hopefully be a life-long friendship with her. Then the essay will truly be a personal tale from your end.
OP alimf95 2 / 10  
Oct 3, 2015   #3
Thank you. it was very useful.
justivy03 - / 2265  
Oct 5, 2015   #4
- ...deprived areas of the province for the sake of being among the children of there; showing a movie,to show a film to the children

- and givinggive them some...
- I really was really interested..
- ...conditions of deprivedthese areas;,
- I'm intrigued of how people live there,
- ...session somea few days before the trip.
-...and the audiences are mostly children mostly ,

- We started our trip at the four o'clock of Tuesday,
- ...serve the breakfast amongfor the children,
- One of the most interesting parts of the trip..
- tofor me was the period we were attaking the
-...the route of thereitself .
- Almost all of the route, I was listening to Yann Tiersen pieces during the whole trip .
- ..of the southern Iran,
- and the early morning's air and light was truly was awesome and unique.
- different,( there is no need to add a comma when it is followed by the word "and" )
- and their values wereon different things.

Well, as you can see @alim, there's a lot of room for improvement, I chose to be hands on and do the necessary correction sentence by sentence, this way you will be able to see the difference in the sentences after the corrections are made. The condition that you are writing this essay is based on a direct translation with what is going on in your mind which is affected by your mother language, I know, because sometimes I do the same, however if you practice the language and writing it as well, you will definitely make it perfect.
OP alimf95 2 / 10  
Oct 5, 2015   #5
made

Thanks a lot.
vangiespen - / 4077  
Oct 11, 2015   #6
This summer was one of the busiest and most sensitive summers of my life.
Be more specific. Say something like"The summer of 2015 was the busiest and most sensitive summers I have ever experienced in my life. It was a time of personal growth and development for me in more ways than one." Remember that we need to reel in the reviewer from your first sentence. So if you create a sense of drama within your first two sentences, you will have accomplished that task.

I have some suggestions as to how to further improve the content of your essay. It is as follows:

and I cannot forget it at least for months; the most highlighted day of MY summer 2015.

It was about ten days to THE reopening of schools .

The Youth Cinema Society of Kerman - Remember to capitalize the first letter of every word in a proper noun.

film to the children and give them educational gifts such as pencil, notebook etc. - Self explanatory, no need for samples.

I HAD always

I was intrigued of BY how people liveD there, how their daily life is WAS, and what kind of people lives there. - The events already happened so speak in past tense.

We started our trip at four o'clock of Tuesday, September 15. We wanted to serve breakfast for the children, and it was a three-hour trip. In the route, I was wondering how I should treat the children whose thoughts were completely different. - No need for extreme specifics. Just get to the point already. You are wasting the reviewer's time reading these fillers.

As we reached there WHEN WE GOT THERE, we started to do our planned activities;

I could sense the desire to success SUCCEED in her eyes and kind of her WAY OF speaking.

work alongSIDE her siblings on the farm every day. Also , Zahra had DID not HAVE access to the things that I told could help her,

as soon as I returnED to Kerman

and I will do this as long as I can buy some new books every once a while - How often does not matter to the reviewer.

and not with the results of other people thinking - You need to clarify what you mean at this point.

She even did not access to the basic things of her goal, Even though she did not have access to the basic things she needed to achieve her goal,

but she had not left it and stayed firm IN HER BELIEFS.

That night AS we were returning to Kerman, and I was sure that I was not the SAME person I WAS THAT of the morning; something had been changed IN ME.
OP alimf95 2 / 10  
Oct 12, 2015   #7
I would be grateful if you review it again. Also about the name of it, what is your opinion about "summer 15"? do you have any suggestion. Thank you a lot.

Summers are generally known as the leisure and relaxation season. But the summer of 2015 was the busiest and most sensitive summers I have ever experienced in my life. It was a time of personal growth and development for me in more ways than one. The days passed so fast that I did not understand how it finished. But there was one day among these days which is still in my mind, and I cannot forget the most highlighted day of summer 2015.

It was about ten days to the reopening of school. The Youth Cinema Society of Kerman, where I took my film-making course, announced that in honor of the national day of cinema, a group of volunteers could take part in a one-day trip to the southern and deprived areas of the province to show a film to the children and give them educational. I was extremely interested in going there because I had always wanted to observe the conditions of these areas. I was intrigued by how people lived there, how their daily life was, and what kind of people live there. Besides, as a film maker it might be a source of inspiration for me.

When we got there, we started to do our planned activities; serving simple but delicious breakfast and lunch, giving the gifts, being among the children and talking with them about cinema and other things. Besides, the experience of watching a film on the projector in the middle of arid area and out of doors, and along with the children who did not need an equipped hall to be overwhelmed by the film, was another memorable part.

During those talks with the children, all at once I noticed a little girl staring at me innocently. Once I said hello to her, she came to me and started to talk with me. I had talked with several of those children until that point, but talking with Zahra was one the most inspirational talks I have ever had. That nine-year-old girl asked me how she can be a writer. I told her the things I knew. During our talk she was incessantly looking at my eyes and was all ears. I could sense the desire to succeed in her eyes and her way of speaking. She came from a large family of eight children and had to work alongside her siblings on the farm every day. Zahra did not have access to the things that I told could help her, so I promised her I would send them to her as soon as I returned to Kerman. Two days later, I posted her some books, and I will do this as long as I can buy some new books. I understood Zahra and want to help her because I know that how it is tough to live for your goals and dreams and not to let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. Only the possibility that she can be a writer with this help, makes me excited.

Definitely, if one day Zahra becomes who she wants, and I become who I want, I will make a film or write a story in conjunction with herself about this event.

Meeting Zahra who was ambitious like myself, inspired my mindset. Even though she did not have access to the basic things she needed to achieve her goal, she stayed firm in her beliefs. That night as we were returning to Kerman, I was sure that I was not the same person I was that morning; something had been changed in me.
vangiespen - / 4077  
Oct 12, 2015   #8
Ali, about the title, I was thinking that perhaps "Summer of Change" would be a good title for this piece. Unless of course you have a more creative title in mind for it :-) I noticed that you added some lines to the previous essay in this version. So we need to work on some more grammar corrections per paragraph. Here we go :-)

Par. 1:
But the summer of 2015 was the busiest and most sensitive summers I have ever experienced in my life.
and I cannot forget the MY most highlighted day of summer 2015.

Par. 2:
show a film to the children and give them educational INSIGHTS.

Par. 3:
During those talks with the children, all at once I noticed a little girl staring at me innocently.
Zahra did not have access to the things that I told HER could help her
I understood UNDERSTAND Zahra and want to help her
because I know that how it is tough IT IS to live for your goals and dreams
not to let the noise of other'S opinions drown out your own inner voice.
Only the possibility KNOWING that she can be a writer with this help

Par. 4:
Meeting Zahra who was ambitious like myself, inspired my mindset ME.
OP alimf95 2 / 10  
Oct 12, 2015   #9
thank you


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