"Changes I would make if I had a second chance" - Purdue Prompt

Purdue Essay (250-1000 words):
"If you had a second chance -- the opportunity to do something over and do it differently -- what would you choose to do over and what changes would you make?"

I recall going through my freshman and sophomore years of high school thinking that my only obligation was to obtain good grades. I participated in trivial amounts of community service and sometimes friends managed to drag me along to their clubs and events. In my early years of high school, I wasted most of my time playing video games and watching television instead of embracing the experiences that would later define me.

During my junior year of high school, I began to participate in extracurricular activities. My friends convinced me to run on our school's teams instead of running on my own. I became more involved with volunteer work by devoting my weekends to community service. I even became a teacher at my brother's religious school for the first time since junior high school. Throughout my junior year, I managed to fill up my free time outside of school with school sports and community service instead of video games and television. By doing so, I found that I was able to enjoy my free time and use it productively.

I truly regret that I did not turn off the television sooner and become active outside of school during my early years of high school. During my junior year of high school, I found that splitting my time between sports, volunteering, and upper-level school courses consumed so much of my time that I wasn't able to participate in extracurricular activities that were offered at my school. I now wish I could leap back to freshman year to begin participating in activities such as the Science fair, Science Olympiad, our local ACM chapter, and Film Club.

If I could redo my freshman and sophomore years, I would participate in more clubs because I did not discover how enjoyable they were until my junior year of high school. I did not realize how enjoyable analyzing films or overcoming scientific challenges with fellow students could be until. I also did not see how unproductive I was being by drooling in front of a television or a computer monitor instead of engaging my mind in science and computer challenges or participating in my community.

Notes (I would appreciate answers to any of these questions, though not necessary):
- As the essay is, the word count is 359. I think this is too short. Should I aim for a 500-750 word range?
- I've tried to add specific sentences. Did this come across as being too wordy and long-winded?
- Does my essay get off topic at any point?
- I was thinking about adding a paragraph about how I ran on my own during my sophomore year and how I wish I had joined my school's team sooner. This paragraph would focus on how much I benefited from joining the team in junior year. Would this be off topic for the essay?

- Should the essay be reconfigured to break down my high school year by year and what i should have done year by year?
- Should I focus and explain in detail more on how I've benefited from what I did later in my school career (such as running with the team, community services, & being a teacher have changed me for the better)?

Hi.

This essay is pretty good in terms of language and structure. However, I think you are struggling a little bit as to how you can improve (and it definitely can be improved!) the discussion, so here's a tip.

So, so say you mentioned that you hate spending your time on video games and enjoy doing volunteer work. However, after reading your essay, I did not feel a bit of your passion in volunteering. Sure you engaged yourself in various activities, but what have you learned from them? Why are they significant? and how do you think you can improve your experience?

The last question may very well be the answer to this whole essay. One change that you would want to make to make your experience better, or benefit more people or something. By explaining your motivations and feeling, people will know more about your inner thoughts because you have revealed you inner thoughts to them by adding depth to the discussion.

G L~

My friends convinced me to run on our school's cross country team instead of running on my own.---- I think it will be clearer if yoiu specify cross country or track, if that is what you mean...

Okay, I had to stare at this for a long time before I figured out what I think the area-for-improvement is. It is at the end of the first paragraph. You leave me thinking, "Okay, so what is the point of telling us that you neglected the important things?" So I want to see if you can add a thesis statement to the end of that para, one that intrigues the reader by telling the moral of the story, the lesson to be learned:

...watching television instead of embracing the experiences that would later define me. (Add a sentence that hints about what this essay will amount to).
Para #2
During my junior year...

In answer to the questions:
Any length between this length and about 500 words will be great. Don't make it too much longer.
In order to make it not-longwinded, you have to know your purpose. This is true in every essay, research paper, argument, interview,... everything. Know what you are trying to achieve. I think you are trying to write something that will make the reader feel inspired because of the enthusiasm and seriousness your writing reflects. So stay specific, and include only sentence that help achieve your purpose.

About being off topic: it depends on your purpose. Any content can be right or wrong, depending on what you are trying to achieve. But the focus of the essay is up to you. Right now you have a theme of retrospection and noticing what was important... it is cool, because it shows that you know what is important now.

No need to expound it year by year. Just expound it int he way that most strongly affects the reader.


Not necessarily more detail about the... details of the experience, but maybe more detail about the plans you have made for the future based on what you learned.