Chemistry sparked my first friendship - Johns Hopkins University essay

Johns Hopkins University was founded in 1876 on a spirit of exploration and discovery. As a result, students can pursue a multi-dimensional undergraduate experience both in and outside of the classroom. Given the opportunities at Hopkins, please discuss your current interests (academic, extracurricular, personal passions, summer experiences, etc.) and how you will build upon them here. (300-500 word limit)

My essay is 628 words, so I am considering to cut down words and polish my ideas. I wonder if my essay answer all the questions as well. JHU does have the section of essay that worked, so you can take a look at that section for preference. Please help.

On my first day at Roosevelt High School, I was a shrinking violet. While everyone was cracking jokes and welcoming each other, my lips pursed tightly, not letting a greeting come out. I wanted nothing more than to blend in with the scenery.

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Okay, the essay itself is quite long when it does not need to be. Consider shortening the essay by presenting the fact that you love science and one of the extra curricular activities that you engage in is tutoring. Then you can use the sample of tutoring Casey, but cut to the chase and tell the reader immediately about the problem that you had in explaining the lesson to her. Jump to the solution you found and that Casey passed the exam. Now, use that as your jumping off point to explain how you look forward to continuing your tutoring activity at JHU. If there is an organization at the university that volunteers to tutor the students then tell the admissions officer that you are looking forward to joining it. If there is none, then tell them that you look forward to starting a tutoring club or maybe, spending your time volunteering at the student center to help other students. Your essay lacks that explanation. We need to read how you plan to continue to grow that extra curricular activity of yours while you are studying at JHU. After all, the prompt asks you to explain


. So don't be afraid to explain how you plan to do it. Develop that explanation more than your back story about the tutoring. It is more important to your essay response.

Hi vangiespen,
I have revised my essay as what you advised. Do you mind giving it a look? Thanks

You have the essay written in reverse. Yes, you should definitely mention that you are a tutor at present and it should be presented at the top of the page alongside the portion that says:


This is the hook that correctly answers the question about how you plan on building upon your passion, extra curricular activities, and the like as a student at John Hopkins University. By presenting those sentences as the first part of your introductory paragraph, you create stir the interest of the admissions officer. You entice the reader to find out how and why you plan on continuing to tutor students at JHU. The story of Casey will come in handy in presenting this reason. However, you still need to cut it down. The story is still too long. The story should not even mention your first day at Roosevelt High anymore. Just start at the part where Casey approached you to tutor her. Explain why you were chosen to be her tutor. Present the fact that you have been good with Chemistry from the start. Work on the revision from there in the method I presented :-)

Hi vangiespen,
I have revised my essay with adding more my passion in chemistry and my dream to have share my passion with. However, I am worried about my word choice and my sentence structure. My other post in this title has been edited by my friends, who are very good writers. I could not contact them recently, so I am afraid that the strong structure of my essay is weakening. Do you have any suggestion to strengthening this essay more.

Ngoc, there is just something uncomfortable about the way your essay reads. It seems like it is trying too hard to become intellectual. Let me show you a more relaxed, yet still academic way of writing this essay. This comes in at 284 words:

I come from a world of student assistance. As an unofficial tutor to my classmates who needed help in Chemistry, I look forward to doing the same for my future classmates at JHU. The aid that I offer my classmates goes far beyond Chemistry. I am more than willing to help them study for their other classes as well because I believe that it is through the shared experience of study, or learning, that we will come to bond together as classmates and peers.

The experience that I wish to continue building upon at JHU is one that I firmly believe in as my current experience with helping my peers with their own Chemistry learning problems has shown me that no man can honestly claim to be an expert in any field. In fact, by helping my current classmates and friends with their lessons, I have found that i have come to learn more about the subject, topic, and my own strengths, as well as weaknesses as a person, student, and tutor.

As a tutor at North Seattle College, I found that Chemistry and Math challenged me the most, fueling my passion for more learning in the field of Chemistry even though I sometimes struggled to make myself understood by my peers who did not have as strong a foundation as I in the field. By coming to JHU, I look forward to igniting the same passion and desire for Chemistry and other subjects that I have within my peers. I am confident that together, we will be able to find the answers to their questions, if I do not have the answers ready for them yet. Which will be rare and far between.

The essay that you need to write should only be this simple and informative. You do not need a complex back story to respond to it. Your back story instead diminished the impact of any contribution that you wish to make to the JHU community. Use the above as a template, or in totality if you wish.