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Choose one of the communities to which you belong, describe that community and your place within it

fads 1 / -  
Jan 31, 2018   #1

University of Michigan Community Essay

Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it. Max 300 words

For an hour and a half each day, a war rages between my body and my mind, my pride and my lassitude. My masochistic need for pain battles the comfort of quitting, angels and demons fighting over the same fundamental question: Why the hell am I here?

The gym where I train and workout is a place where I know who I am. It is a place I can go to escape my problems for a while and release some stress. It's where I have formed some of my closest friendships. It's the place where I have invested years of hard work for many of my personal accomplishments. To some, it may seem odd that a place associated with sweat, blood and physical pain means so much to someone. However, in my eyes, this is my Iron Temple, my second home.

A certain familiarity has developed over time that makes it home. I drive my car into the pot-hole filled parking lot off the highway and park in the same spot I always have, people just seem to know that's my spot. Walking around to the back I open the brown door and enter. Bright industrial lights dangle from the ceiling; pungent sweat invades my nostrils; echoes of agony make me smile.

"C'mon Ewan! Two more reps!"
A bead of sweat trickles down his temple towards his ear as he tries to push the 30-pound barbell over his chest. I hover over him, to "spot" him, slightly holding the bar to make sure that his arms don't buckle under the weight. Three weeks ago, he came to me for advice and the very next day I saw him at the gym, energetic and motivated.

We are a community that helps and motivates each other. We "spot" each other through challenging workouts and build everlasting friendships. Needless to say, I am very proud to be a part of this community.

This is the supplementary essay for UMich. Be as harsh and critical as possible and check if I have answered the prompt. Thanks!
Holt - / 7,651 1998  
Jan 31, 2018   #2
Fshaikh, you did not answer your own question in this essay; "Why the hell am I here?" By answering that question, you would have been able to accurately define your place as a member of this gym community. By neglecting to respond to it, all I learned about what the composition of the community and some information on one of the members. That is a far cry from the actual reason you were asked to write this essay. I know that these essays are word constrained so you may need to revise the total presentation of your work in order to properly explain your role in this community. How do you see yourself? As an adviser? An older brother to the younger members? Surely you are more than just a "spotter". Like you said, you are a family. Describe your role in the family and how you have influenced the members of your community beyond advice regarding their workout. Justify the concept of family as you claim the gym to be in your response. Lessen the description of the gym and focus more on the people, the interactions, and other activities in relation to you. By the way, as an academically written essay, it may be best if you do not swear in the essay in order to show proper respect to the reviewer.
milk 1 / 1 1  
Feb 3, 2018   #3
Like Holt said, your initial question of "why the hell am I here" wasn't actually answered by the rest of your essay. The first paragraph as a whole doesn't add much outside of vague metaphors, and could honestly be removed entirely without much of an impact on the rest of the essay. I would recommend doing that and instead elaborating more on your "place within" your community. You've described the gym and how it makes you feel quite extensively, but as to your role within the gym all that you've really said is that you are a spotter and that you've made friends there.

Also, you use contractions several times throughout your essay, which you should avoid to keep the writing formal

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