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"the city of Las Vegas" - Describe the world you come from



kayliecares 1 / 9  
Oct 4, 2009   #1
Prompt 1:
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Hi everyone, this is my essay, I worked really hard on it, I would appreciate any advice. Tell me if you think theres a thematic rift between the first two paragraphs, because someone told me that, but I dont think there really is.

Thanks alot everyone!

As your driving into the city of Las Vegas, your first thoughts are always "Wow! Look at all those pretty lights", But what you wouldn't imagine is that you were about to enter a twenty-four hour party. That's exactly what it is here. Not just for the tourists that come, but also for the residents that live here. I have lived in Las Vegas my entire life, and I never realized how much the environment you are surrounded by when you are young, could shape the person you became as you grew older. Granted, every city has its problems. It is our choice as individuals to decide what groups we fall into, what experiences we involve ourselves in, and what roads we take, but growing up in a city that seems to be have a center focus on the party lifestyle isn't easy, especially for young adults my age. I was lucky enough to have grown up with so strict of a father that it was impossible for me to get in any kind of trouble. Most of my friends growing up, even childhood friends have ended up in very bad positions. I believe that it's because families here aren't as well connected to each other like families from some other states, though I am not sure why this is. Yes, Las Vegas is a beautiful, cultured, exciting place, but there are a lot of things that people misconceive when they come here.

Thankfully, I have always had a strong supportive foundation of family, and I have always had many things to engage myself in. My family and I were constant travelers; we traveled from places like Kona, Hawaii, all the way to places like Sydney, Australia. And I believe that having this privilege to travel all around the world has really sculpted my passion for Marine Biology. I've always had a passion for science, as well as literature, but it wasn't until I took my first dive on Catalina Island that I truly knew this is what I wanted to do with my life. Being underwater is like nothing you've ever experienced before; the scene is calm and quiet, and all you can hear is the sound of your breath as you inhale and exhale. I find myself in complete euphoria when I'm underwater and discovering new things. It was my sixteenth birthday; my family and I took a trip to an island off the coast of California. My father always knew I had a passion for the ocean, so I was ecstatic when he told me that we I was going to become SCUBA certified.

It's at times like these I really begin to feel grateful for what I have, Although I've grown up in a city with constant negative influence, I have also grown up with a wonderful family who has done everything in their power to make me the best person I can be, and with that I feel even stronger because I know that, yes, sometimes, our community, our lifestyles, and our surrounding's have a huge influence on who we become, but also that people also can grow on their own, and overcome any adversity.

pcvrz34g 22 / 116  
Oct 4, 2009   #2
wait.. so what's your dream/aspiration..?

As your driving into the city of Las Vegas, your first thoughts are always "Wow! Look at all those pretty lights", But what you wouldn't imagine is that you were about to enter a twenty-four hour party.

i woudln't use "you". it makes the essay sound informal.
OP kayliecares 1 / 9  
Oct 4, 2009   #3
Thanks for the advice, do you have any advice for rewriting that sentence without you...

and my aspiration is to be a marine biologist .. did that not come across to you in the essay?
pcvrz34g 22 / 116  
Oct 4, 2009   #4
well the essay asks how the community/family/school directly shaped your dream/aspiration. i feel like marine biology was not directly shaped by las vegas. if there IS a connection, make it stronger. i feel like you just said two different unrelated things together. if theres no connection, you gotta rewrite another essay. :\

First of all, "As your driving into the city of Las Vegas," doesn't make sense...
use one, not you. like "as one drives through the city of Las Vegas..."
OP kayliecares 1 / 9  
Oct 4, 2009   #5
Okay thanks yeah thats a good idea, the relevance between it was more of my family though, like although we lived in vegas which was a really bad town, my family and i traveled alot.. which shaped my passion for marine biology. I will work on making it stronger, though im not sure how :]

does the first sentence sound better like this or no?

As one drives into the city of Las Vegas, their first thoughts may be "Wow! Look at all those pretty lights", But what they wouldn't imagine is that they were about to enter a twenty-four hour party.
pcvrz34g 22 / 116  
Oct 4, 2009   #6
haha okay. i definately thought that the connection was somehow between lasvegas and marine biology so make sure you make a CLEAR point that it's your family.
verily - / 25  
Oct 4, 2009   #7
Yes, do not use the word "you." What if the reader does think that way? I doubt they'll think too much on it, but it's usually not a good idea to assume the reader will do this and this.

As pcvrz34g said, there isn't enough connection. You described the world you came from, and your dreams, but you haven't told us how it has shaped those dreams. I'd say the "I believe that it's because families here aren't as well connected to each other like families from some other states, though I am not sure why this is. Yes, Las Vegas is a beautiful, cultured, exciting place, but there are a lot of things that people misconceive when they come here.

Thankfully, I have always had a strong supportive foundation of family, and I have always had many things to engage myself in." part is the place. I would probably not add in the "though I am not sure why this is" part, and the two sentences following it doesn't describe much.
OP kayliecares 1 / 9  
Oct 4, 2009   #8
sorry does this sound better for the first sentence

As one drives into the city of Las Vegas, their first thoughts may be "Wow! Look at all those pretty lights", But what they wouldn't imagine is that they were about to enter a twenty-four hour party.

and thankyou guys so much for the advice i will definitely work on making the connection stronger
pcvrz34g 22 / 116  
Oct 4, 2009   #9
one is singular; their is plural... and so is they..
it should be consistant.
OP kayliecares 1 / 9  
Oct 4, 2009   #10
Yeah lol oops, gosh i am bad at writing.

i cant really think of how to write it without saying you.. :/
verily - / 25  
Oct 4, 2009   #11
Maybe you can switch to something along the lines of "As most people drive into the city of Vegas, their first thoughts are always 'Wow! Look at all those pretty lights.' But what they don't imagine is that they are about to enter a twenty-four hour party."

Then again, deleting the two sentences altogether and trying to think of a new one sometimes works, too.
OP kayliecares 1 / 9  
Oct 4, 2009   #12
Yes, that sounds good to me.
In your honest opinion, do you think the essay is interesting and good enough for a UC college?
verily - / 25  
Oct 4, 2009   #13
Depends on what UC. It's not particularly poignant, but it's not altogether too boring. If well written, it could be "good enough." I'd have to see your written correction of the transition to determine my opinion c:
OP kayliecares 1 / 9  
Oct 4, 2009   #14
I am applying to University of California Santa Barbara, I've definitely been stressing about it. I might just pay a professional essay writer to write it for me if it doesn't end up being good... ugh man this sucks.

Thanks for all the advice everyone i truly appreciate it.
verily - / 25  
Oct 4, 2009   #15
Er... yeah, don't do that. o___o; If you are found out, you'll get your application rescinded. Plus, they can tell from your SAT essay, other essays, and etc.
OP kayliecares 1 / 9  
Oct 4, 2009   #16
ughhhh , well i am surely not going to get in with my writing skills.. blah.
mananj 2 / 8  
Oct 4, 2009   #17
kayliecares could shape the person you beco me as you gro w older.

Even I felt the connection between las vegas and ure marine biology aspirations wasnt good enough. You really need to relate it better. By reading it I felt I suddenly started reading a completely new thing. It just didnt connect very well.

he told me that we I ???? was going to become SCUBA
certified.

Pls read mine as well ..it s a short 1:D
Moonshadow0302 - / 66  
Oct 4, 2009   #18
As people drive into the city of Las Vegas, their first thoughts usually are...

Just a connecting sentence between the first two paragraphs might help ie on the lines of Las Vegas being a big party place, my parents were a little particular about laying the right ethical and moral foundation. Besides this, they wanted us to see what the rest of the world was like rather than being limited to the bright lights of Vegas so we travelled a lot. Though I was always interested in Marine Biology, my first dive off the island of..., during a scuba training course was when i first realised...etc etc...

This will help to connect the first para about Vegas, and your travel and interest in marine biology.

Hope this helps :-) All the best!
Mustafa1991 8 / 369  
Oct 4, 2009   #19
Pretend I am your close friend. Now, tell me what major you are going to choose and why. Use those reasons as a guide in supporting your essay. Maybe people freeze up in formal writing because it is formal writing, when they are being asked reasonable questions that deserve reasonable, thoughtful answers. Maybe people throw a bunch of names into a hat and pick one at random to be their major. Who knows for sure is a mystery, but most of these essays sound utterly lost to convince a person that you should rethink at some length what you endeavor to do with precious time that won't come back.
OP kayliecares 1 / 9  
Oct 4, 2009   #20
Thanks you guys are so awesome!

and please if you guys have any like direct ideas on what you think i should say and where i should say pleaseee give me some ideas, because whether you believe it or not i really worked hard on this essay, im not a great writer.. at all. and your help would mean so much to me! thanks again
EF_Sean 6 / 3460  
Oct 4, 2009   #21
I'd suggest you post a second draft based on the feedback you have already received. Most of what you say about Las Vegas doesn't really tie into your dreams and aspirations at the moment, so until you fix that, it is difficult to offer more feedback, because we don't know what you will delete or what you will add in your new draft.


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