''Who else in your classroom has this opportunity to travel to The United States at this age?"

Syracuse University - Who or what influenced you to apply to Syracuse University?

Every dear summer time in the elementary, I would travel to the United States to visit my aunt by myself. In those short precious time, my visions comparing to other classmates has changed because I firsthand a completely different culture. My mother often said, ''who else in your classroom has this opportunity to travel to The United States at this age?" It wasn't a sense of pride but the more often she mentioned the question the more I cherish and devoted into these opportunities. Having relatives that studied abroad was an advantage for the next generations. Whenever my aunt had classes a teacher would have babysit me. At the age of ten that was the first time I acknowledge the Syracuse University. When I the teacher asked me what do you want to be in the future? I answered her undoubtedly that I wanted to be a businesswoman just like my mom. Right after that she told me that there is a excellent school near here that take care of international student nicely with the mascot of Otto the Orange thereby a-ten-year old kid was attracted by it. To you it may be a coincident but to me it was a little girl's dream that wanted to attend into the business school in Syracuse University. Two years ago, when I went back to the United States to studied in the for grade nine, I further research and heard the diverse programs of Syracuse University by the school facilities. Starting from that time, I slowly force myself to achieve my goals through the way out. After all the decisions and actions, getting into the Syracuse University is now a mission for me that I needed to accomplish. I strongly believe that this school will fit me ideally as an undergraduate student.

You need to revise the essay to depict the recent influences that led you to choose Syracuse University. Nobody will believe that a 10 year old girl will have been attracted to a university at that age and without any specific purpose that a 10 year can really understand. Strengthen the reasons starting from the 9th grade when real academic influences can be understood and considered by a student. There is also a tremendous amount of grammatical errors in your writing that needs to be fixed. However, we can only do that after you fix the problem with the way you present the influence of your aunt or research in your choice of university. Try to present your decision based upon the academic and social representations of the university more than anything else since you did say that your research is what led your Syracuse at this point in time.