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"My commitment to seek knowledge and service" - HELP ON MY SPELMAN ESSAY


apple963 1 / -  
Jan 22, 2011   #1
Seeking knowledge and commitment to service are integral parts of the Spelman experience. Discuss and illustrate ways you have shown your commitment in these areas

Ive learned that knowlege could be the key to break down berriers and it also defines strength and beauty in a woman. Inspired by my late aunt who was an english teacher, i decided to make my own path to independence at a young age. Even though she was very strict on me i understood she was showing me tough love and she knew i was capable of becoming successful. My parents were not able to finish high school,for my mother had me at an early age and my father had two other children before me. Unfortunately my elder siblings didn't pursue their education either. Observing their mistakes i am driven to take a different route. By the age of four i began to strengthen my reading and vocabulary,i was very fund of exploring chapter books and the encyclopedia for new words. Reading then became the best way for me to gain knowledge. My middle school awarded me for my commitment to reading and by the time i was a freshman in high school i felt i was ready for even bigger challanges. But like most teenagers i made bad choices before i noticed my surroundings and realizing that i was one suspension,bad referral,or detention away from becoming what i've been working so hard to avoid which was another statistic. My sophmore and junior years were difficult but i turned down temptation to be with my friends so i can do well in my classes. Because my heart was set on attending Spelman for the past eight years I knew failing my senior year wasn't an option. I was ecstatic entering my first year as a senior of Blanche Ely High but after a while reality started to hit me. Often times i have been asked what school do i attended followed by the question of how many children have? My response was always my school doesn't determine my lifestyle but my morals and dedication. I am one of many females who's predicted to be a teenage mother before i graduate from high school.Now that i am being tackled by many sceptics i am determined to become more than what i am predicted to be and inspire youths around me who are said to be destined for failure to do the same. My commitment to seek knowledge and service shows through the effort i put in my honors classes and the different organizations i have joined to help make a change in my community. I am dedicating my senior year to make up for the lack of hope in my previous high school years and to break the cycle that i am in with my peers and generations in my family. I wish to take my education to a level my parents and grandparents couldn't. I understand the process will be stressful but im sure the progress with be worth it.
bigice - / 1  
Jan 22, 2011   #2
Man, what a great read.

I learned so much about the world you come from, what has kept you from falling prey to your ascribed title, and your determination!

However, although spelmen isn't as academically competitive as other schools it still wants some respect. Your topic is very strong and honest, it's just that it takes forever to read b/c of all the grammar/spelling/overall mistakes you make.

And honestly speaking, spelmen is a historically black school hence, your story isn't exactly original to Spelmen. They get thousands of the exact same story. So telling it in such a straight forward way doesn't do anything to separate you from the masses. I suggest taking the time to recreate this message in a more creative and powerful manor to demonstrate your skill as a writer/thinker. But if you don't feel like investing more energy into thinking about this (very serious essay) then just edit it more, repost and i'll find a way to help you strengthen whatever you post.

I'll check back for your reply 8PM.

Note:

Don't make the mistake of not investing your soul into your college applications. College is the key that opens the world up. So take the time to make sure you get in!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Feb 13, 2011   #3
berriers barriers

Put a comma after that word, because it is a compound sentence. :-)

Capitalize English.

You should use separate paragraphs, because every time you do a paragraph break, you get to put an idea powerfully in the reader's mind. The first and last sentences of paragraphs are much more powerful than sentences in the middle of one long paragraph.

My commitment to seek knowledge and service shows...

:-)
jackrw 2 / 9  
Feb 13, 2011   #4
I agree with what bigice said.

The essay can be longer with more details. I particularly would suggest that you extend the part about your aunt. Maybe a small thing, or maybe a conversation happened btw you two, either way to begin this essay will make it really compelling, emotionally.


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