'to convince difficult clients to buy a product ' - one of your extracurricular

I'm an international student applying to a US college. Following is my answer, please give me some feedback about it. Thanks.

"When I finished secondary school my father had been suffering from a parasitic disease called filariasis and my mother had been unemployed for years. Hence, going to college was impossible for me.

Faced with this harsh reality, I asked a business owner for a job. My desire to overcome obstacles caught his attention and he hired me as a Sales Agent at his Telecom dealer.

This job was a great learning experience. Having to convince difficult clients to buy a product helped me develop good persuasion and listening skills. Moreover, my passions for computers increased as I not only used them to create sales report, save clients information but I also fixed them at times.

As the youngest employee, I distinguished myself by applying good work ethic, performing duties the best way I could, and learning from and cooperating with the most experienced peers.

I was profoundly touched when I saw how my paycheck of $75 US reduced my mother's pain from her everyday struggles to find food for the family."

The essay looks good but the only issue here is that you are not addressing the question completely. Even though you did mention what you did as an extracurricular activity but you've been justifying it why you practiced it throughout the essay(which is nowhere asked). I would suggest delete the justification part and add a few more extracurricular activities like participating in a play, teaching poor kids etc to strengthen your essay and address the question completely. I have modified the few grammatical errors though.

"When I finished secondary school my father had been suffering from a parasitic disease called filariasis and my mother had been unemployed for years. Hence, going to college was impossible for me.

Faced with this harsh reality, I asked a business owner for a job. My desire to overcome obstacles caught his attention and he hired me as a Sales Agent at his Telecom dealerdealership .

This job was a great learning experience. Having to convince difficult clients to buy a product helped me develop good persuasion and listening skills. Moreover, my passions for computers increased as I not only used them to create sales report, save clientsclient information but I also fixed them at times.

As the youngest employee, I distinguished myself by applying good work ethic, performing duties the best way I could, and learning from and cooperating with the most experienced peers.

I was profoundly touched when I saw how my paycheck of $75 US reduced my mother's pain from her everyday struggles to find food for the family."

hope this helps....