Hey guys this is my Mount Holyoke Supp. Pls help me check for any grammatical errors. I'm not quite sure if my message comes across well at the end as well. Word limit is 2 paras. Any feedback is strongly welcomed. And give me a shout out if you want me to look through your essays! THANKS! =)
What activities make you lose track of time?
I absolutely love dancing in my room. Thus, the most reasonable choice would be to say that dancing makes me lose track of time. However, I am always checking the clock to see when my mom is arriving home so as to prevent an embarrassing situation from occurring. With my goal of writing about dancing dashed, I turn towards my passion for watching soccer. I usually wake up in the wee hours of the morning during vacation to watch soccer games. Yet, I realize that one cannot watch the sport without taking note of the time - timing is very crucial in the game.
After pondering over a myriad of options from sketching to sleeping, I come to the conclusion that seemingly ordinary activities are the ones that make me lose track of time - I do not bother to look at the clock when I am with my friends and family; I can spend hours staring at the rain while constructing a poem in my head; I always get lost in my daydreams. Yes, perhaps it is embarrassing that I do not lose track of time while pursuing a specific hobby. However, I am at ease with myself. Often, people get too caught up with their lives to appreciate the things around them. I feel blessed that I still have the luxury of enjoying these everyday activities. They remind me of who I am and what I should not take for granted. It is these "normal" activities that always keep me recharged and refreshed for a new day of learning.
I like the second paragraph as well as the first. The only thing I can say is that the two paragraphs don't connect. I would focus on the ONE thing that makes you lose track of time or at least two and then explain and describe that activity/activities even better.
I agree with maryp630. Also try to explain why it makes you lose track of time and how that contributes to you as a person. Why does that activity make you lose time?
ok thanks guys shall work on it!
I agree with maryp630. The second paragraph was better than the first. In the first paragraph explain a little bit more better. But then you go from dancing to soccer then stretching to sleeping. Like maryp630 said find one thing or at least 2 activity or activities then elaborate on that. It will make it more easier and simpler rather than going all over the place and causing confusion.
Hey Chazz thanks for your input! I was just thinking about writing it in a diff way since almost everyone is gonna list down what they like to do. If it's too confusing then I'll change it.
I agree. The second paragraph is definitely stronger than the first one. Try to find a way to connect them and you will be good. Thanks for reading mine!
Mount Holyoke - What activities make you lose track of time (rewrite). Urgent!
Hey guys my first attempt was a complete failure as it was all over the place. I rewrote my essay. Pls help me check for grammatical errors and the overall flow of the essay. Any feedback is greatly welcomed! If you want help with your essays feel free to ask me. Thanks!! =)
They appear small and lifeless. Yet, they are the only things that make me lose track of time. The culprits are none other than the Book and the Soccer Ball.
Reading has always provided me with an outlet for adventure. As I grew out of Roald Dahl books, I started to peruse through novels like 1984 and A Thousand Splendid Suns. Unlike the books from my childhood, these novels did not transport me to a magical world. Instead, I was brought into someplace more valuable - the infinite universe of knowledge. Once I entered the labyrinth of ideas and theories, it is difficult to pull me out. The words demand for my attention; they force me to reflect about the world; they form an exciting adventure of knowledge that I get lost in.
Of course, the Soccer Ball is equally important to me. I do not play soccer as my embarrassing hand-eye coordination will lead to someone getting hurt. Instead, I spend hours watching soccer games. The amazing teamwork that I witness never fails to intrigue me. Whenever I see my favorite player, Lionel Messi, getting up after being injured, a sense of warmness radiates through me - it teaches me to never remain defeated. The diligence and determination the players exude always remind me of the values I should uphold. Soccer games are also an opportunity to spend time with my family - Watching the soccer World Cup together has become a family tradition. Yes, the Book and the Soccer Ball may seem small and lifeless. But in actual fact, they are bursting in knowledge and life lessons that never fail to bring me on a captivating timeless journey.
Reading book part might come across as cliche.
But i like the part about soccer!
I love the personal tone!
Overall, I like it!
Hey Kathy and Juwon thanks a lot for your suggestions! Will take what you say into consideration. =)
Anyway, I've rewrote my essay (again lol). Didn't feel satisfied with the first version. Pls help me see if it ans the prompt and if there is any redundant info in my essay. Thanks so much! Be as harsh as you want.
I absolutely cannot live without my laptop. Alright, I admit that I am being overly dramatic (forgive this habit of mine). However, the many weekends that I have spent surfing the Internet has made me treasure my computer. I love researching on random information. Once I start, I often find it difficult to stop. I have tabs opened on Greek mythology, criminology, Spanish phrases for beginners... I even picked up many Korean phrases while watching a show on "YouTube". The sheer amount of information on the Internet is astounding, and I often get too caught up trying to absorb the knowledge.
My laptop also allows me to watch soccer games and vicariously enjoy the sport. I love soccer but I would probably be arrested if I try to kick the ball - my embarrassing hand-eye coordination will lead to someone getting hurt. I love watching soccer due to the beautiful teamwork that I get to witness. Soccer can never be a one man show; everyone has to work as a unit. Furthermore, whenever I see injured players getting back on their feet, I am reminded to never remain defeated. I am always so absorbed in the games that I fail to spot my mischievous brother creeping up on me. The result of his prank is usually not a pretty sight.
The activities that make me lose track of time may seem ordinary. You might even be thinking that I should spend my time more wisely. However, I learn a lot from them. The Internet increases my general knowledge while soccer teaches me determination and teamwork. These activities never fail to transport me on timeless journeys that I treasure deeply.
Hey can someone pls help me look thru my essay? I promise to return the favor! Thanks!!
However, I learn a lot from them
^ maybe you can reword that better, avoid using "lot"
but overall, nicely done and love the ending! please help with mine, thanks :)
You don't need quotes around Youtube, but overall, pretty good :)
Alright, I admit...
This sentence sounds too informal for a college essay. Try writing something like, "this might sound exaggerated, but..."
The last sentence, 'These activities never fail to transport me on timeless journeys..." sounds a bit cliched and weak.
In fact, the whole ending has scope for improvement. Try writing something different, or at least slightly different from what you have beeb talking about in the first two paras. At least try making it soubd a little different.
Good luck :-)
Ok thanks you guys! Shall help you all look over through your essays!
