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Mount Holyoke Supp. Which Verison is Better?


muriel09 1 / -  
Jan 14, 2009   #1
Question: When selecting a college, it's important to be able to articulate why a certain school is a good ''match'' for you. Tell us what draws you to Mount Holyoke College.

VERSION 1:
This past swimming season, my team and I took the greatest step in our high school swimming careers: we qualified for sectionals. This was quite an achievement considering athletic competition at my high school primarily focused on male sports and my high school dose not have a pool.

Entering High school, I was disappointed to find my school didn't have a swim team and was eager to change Croton Harmon High School's sport history. I encouraged several girls to form a team. At our first meet, against a team of thirty girls I carefully watched the scoreboard as our opponent's numbers doubled and tripled. Surely we had lost. My team sighed and hung their heads low. As they gathered their belongings and headed for the locker room, I implored them to return to the diving blocks and sing our cheer. The girls were understandably reluctant; our loss was painfully evident by our opponent's raucous victory chants. I reminded them that we should be proud of our progress. We created a competitive team. We took buses to nearby schools to practice. I told the girls to raise their heads and sing proudly because to me, we were the true victors, whether we won or lost. After singing our cheer, we marched directly out of the meet as if losing had never crossed our minds. Our opponents stared, and fell silent.

Four years later my team has gathered lots of steam. We are exceptionally competitive. I could have not have been more proud this year with 19 girls on the team, winning nine out of the ten meets and making it to sectionals. I knew we were always winners in spirit. Now we were winners in truth.

Similarly, Mount Holyoke's principles encourage success in the face of adversity. I have always carried my head high and am sure Mount Holyoke will continue to instill in me the confidence and skills I need to succeed. Mount Holyoke College is my top choice because it is an incubator of outstanding female thinkers and superior leaders activating reform and change in the community and society. I would be delighted to join the Class of 2013. I aspire to become apart of Mount Holyoke's Class of 2013 and commit my education and life after Mount Holyoke to paving the way to a future of change.

VERSION 2:
This past swimming season, my team and I took the greatest step in our high school swimming careers: we qualified for sectionals. I watched my team grow from four years ago when I entered high school. I was disappointed to find out we didn't have a high school swim team and was eager to change Croton Harmon High School's sport history. I gathered a few swimmers I knew from school and formed a team of seven girls. At our first meet, against a team of thirty girls I carefully watched the scoreboard, as our opponent's numbers doubled and tripled our own and surely enough we had lost. My team sighed and hung their heads low as they gathered their belongings and headed for the locker room. I ordered each one of them to come back to the diving blocks and sing our swimming cheer. The girls asked what the point of cheering was since we had lost and were grossly reminded by our opponents running wild, screaming their victory. I told them that we should be proud that we made it this far, developing a swim team for the first time ever at Croton Harmon. I told the girls to raise their heads and walk proudly out of the pool, because to me, we were the true crusaders, whether we won or lost. Once our team sang our cheer, we marched directly out of the meet as if losing had never crossed our minds. Our opponents starred and fell silent. I could have not have been more proud this year with 19 girls on the team, winning 9 out of the ten meets and making it to sectionals, I knew we were always winners at best.

Mount Holyoke's principals lie on the basis of superior women activating community reform and global change. Mount Holyoke College is my top choice because it is an incubator of outstanding female thinkers and superior leaders activating reform and change in the community and society. I aspire to become apart of Mount Holyoke's Class of 2013 and commit my education and life after Mount Holyoke to paving the way to a future of change.
Obie55 2 / 1  
Jan 14, 2009   #2
I personally like version 1 a bit more, just because you start a new paragraph exactly when you should and introduce a sort of "aftermath" to the first story. The only line that sounds out of place is "Now we were winners in truth." It's completely up to you, but it just struck me as out of place. Maybe "Now we have something to show for it," or, "Now we have the record to prove it." Overall, like it a lot.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jan 15, 2009   #3
I also liked version 1 better, as it was somewhat clearer.

This was quite an achievement considering athletic competition at my high school primarily focused on male sports and my high school does not have a pool.

I aspire to become a part of Mount Holyoke's Class of 2013 and commit my education and life after Mount Holyoke paving the way to a future of change.

"an incubator of outstanding female thinkers "... this is great.

good luck n school.

:)


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