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Drawing inspiration from Depression - Common App Essay



mattvroeg 1 / -  
Oct 30, 2008   #1
I'm still trying to work out a strong ending, but I was wondering what everyone's thoughts on the rest of the essay are? I'm really nervous about my essay, so all comments are appreciated!

I have my best friend in a head-lock, and she bites down on my arm, struggling to free herself from my hold long enough to bolt into the woods. I've had to tighten up my grip a few times because she's tall and skinny and can wriggle out of my arms like a slippery fish in your hands. Thankfully no one is around to hear her scream that she wants to kill me. All I can do is endure this until Megan either tires and passes out, or emerges from her dissociative trance and regains some grip on sanity. Not for a while, it seems, as she shows no signs of fatigue. I must wait, feeling as powerless as a mouse in the path of a steam roller.

Nights like this were not uncommon during junior year. In fact, I spent most of my time with Megan, who was diagnosed with manic depression and bipolar disorder. I felt like I needed to watch over her, like I was her guardian and the one thing that kept her from suicide, so it's not suprising that I soon developed depression myself. I put my academics, my family, and my life on hold, doing anything I could to help this girl who was in such dire need. My grades began to fall, and my backpack developed a considerable bulge of old, incomplete homeworks and heavily marked-up tests. I withdrew into my own world and sometimes couldn't even get out of bed. I just didn't care.

I only realized my colossal blunder once Meg was sent away to Silver Hill, a mental hospital in Connecticut. After two weeks of experiencing every possible emotion on the spectrum, I finally managed to clear my head: Everything is for the best. She is in more capable hands. Sure, I'll miss her, but how long could I have kept it up? And my life, which I had completely devoted to her, is in drastic need of renovation. How did I let my grades slip like that? Enough questions; it's time for action. It's mid-April and I still have time to salvage my GPA.

I did everything possible to raise my grades, spending long nights studying and afternoons with my math teacher for extra help. I pulled through the rest of the year and finished with a respectable GPA, yet the lessons I had learned from my experience with Meg and my own depression were far more valuable. I had discovered the art of balance, of elegantly dividing one's time and attention to different priorities.

EF_Team5 - / 1583  
Oct 30, 2008   #2
Good afternoon.

Mechanically, avoid using contractions in formal academic writing; they are inappropriate and many instructors will count down for their use. Also, watch the capitalization of words that are neither proper nouns nor the first words of sentences. For instance, "Everything" shouldn't be capitalized. Watch your tense in this piece; you switch back from past to present intermittently, creating a very disorienting flow for your reader.

Your content is strong, and your tone is confident. As to the conclusion, I suggest you expand a bit on those three characteristics. It will make the essay a bit longer, but in the end I think you'll be happier with the results as it will give a feeling of closure to the piece.

Best of luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com


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