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Dream of 15-year-old girl; Common App


1365violin 4 / 12 2  
Aug 15, 2013   #1
Hello, I am a senior in high school and I am in process of writing college essay... but it is really the hardest thing I have ever done in my life! I just got an essay revision from my mom's friend-college instructor-and he did not like it since it is too disoriented and metaphorical. Would you agree with that? Well, this is my rough draft,...so there can be a lot of errors and mistakes.

Anyway, I would greatly appreciate your feedback on my approach/ grammar errors/ etc.! Thanks!
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Common Application Essay Choice 1: Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

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Dream of 15-year-old girl

I am a phoenix: well, more accurately, I was born twice, once on September 29th, 1995 and once on August 30th, 2011. Like a phoenix, (not as magnificently like an unique bird from a Greek Mythology), I was able to rise from the ashes. Any birth in itself is breathtaking; however, its beauty mainly comes from the pain experienced by a mother and a child.

Both cases, I was separated from my mom: first, naturally and second, voluntarily. Both births went through a tough and painful process, but I learned a worthwhile lesson that taught me to live a life with sense of purpose.

September 29th, 1995. 05:00:03 A.M.
The sun is about to rise above the horizon. Heavy air fills the five-square-feet delivery room in the midst of the desperate cry of mother and a child. Twenty-four hours have past since the mom used all her might to pull out a five-pound baby. The curious baby barely opens her wrinkly eyes out from the womb to explore the outside world. The mom and the baby are both exhausted and the doctor and the nurses are ready to give up and start a caesarean operation to rescue the baby. On that last minute, the baby yells and she is finally outside. The baby, myself, had to be kept in an incubator since I was too weakly and vulnerable.

Coming out of my mother's womb, I received the gift of love and warmth. However, I did not appreciate it, or at least, I did not know how to appreciate it and pass it onto other people. It took almost 16 years to learn the lesson but in such a painful and enlightening way. After my second birth, I learned to share the gift of love and warmth with other people, instead of keeping it to myself.

August 29th, 2011. 8:29 P.M. Spiritual journey to learn a lesson.
I could see my reflection through the bulletproof glass of the police car. I felt as if I am a criminal or a beast- too dangerous and too unworthy of living- locked up in the cage. The policeman asks for my personal information and the reason I ran away from my home. "My mom spanked me several times for lying" However, I did not describe what had happened in details.

That night, my mom was sent to jail for child abuse without a fair trial and my brother and I were sent to foster home, several cornfields and rivers away from the apartment. We could not attend the school for almost a week and nobody explained to us what was happening to our family.

Amid of all the chaos, I was excited for one thing in the United States; learning for the sake of learning, unlike Korea, where you are punished to get a good grade and the sake of learning is crushed by obsession over test scores. I wanted to learn about Renaissance in 15th century Europe and discuss about Machiavelli- 'did he have to be a cruel leader to be an effective leader? Or was that a mere excuse for the sake of trouble-free ruling?' I yearned to dissect the frog and learn what is the main difference between human beings and frogs that makes human beings worthier living creatures and frogs as creatures that is put on a dissect table. I soon realized I was thirsty for knowledge, for outside connection, and communication in a foreign land.

After trials that lasted for weeks, everything went back to "normalcy." From time to time, it was distressing to hold the burden of embarrassment and guilt, however, thanks to the support from the social workers and counselors, I was able to understand the purpose of "re-birth": This time, instead from my mom's womb, I departed from my "comfort-zone" and learned to appreciate what I have.

People learn from their mistakes. As a strong believer of learning through real experience and failure, I wanted to help the children and teenagers who are going through emotionally hard times just like I did as a 15-year-old girl. Several children foster/ trauma recovery institutions rejected my proposal in helping the children; but I never gave up and could not give up. My conviction that I have to take care of these children was so straightforward and unstoppable. Thus, Martin Luther School(school for kids with emotional traumas) finally allowed me to have a chance to interact with the children in the center. If I have given up, I would never have had a chance to evolve into a complete form of a phoenix.

The 15-year-old H does not exist here in this world anymore, but her dream vividly remains with my soul. I hear the voice whispering in my ear: " Don't be afraid and be the change. Fly out to the world. Tell the children to dream, hope, and love. Be their supporter!"

I was able to dream, hope, achieve and all the children can do even better than I did. Sometimes, the process can painful, but I will be there, as their mom, mentor, and a soul mate. My heart starts to beat again and today is sparkles a little more, thanks to the children with hopes and dreams.
fahadbd 25 / 56 5  
Aug 15, 2013   #2
As a strong believer of learning through real experience and failure>>> what does sentence mean? meaning is inexplicit

I wanted to help the children and teenagers who wereemotionally going through emotionally hard times just like I did as a 15-year-old girl.
OP 1365violin 4 / 12 2  
Aug 16, 2013   #3
Thank you for your revision! I really appreciate it!!

Do you think the overall quality is okay? I plan on revising it, but I just want to know if I have a right approach...


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