Hi! I'm new here. I just finished my common app essay, but really unsure about it.
Help me, please~!
Such A Girl, Such A Dream
Born in a small Chinese city which is famous for its highest seated Buddha in the world， however, the girl does not believe in it. She believes, actually, in herself. She believes a girl like her really can become a deal and achieve her dream by her own hard work.
Since there're no other girls in her family, she could only play with two cousins when she was a kid. So when climbing, you might see two boys walk on the hill leisurely. But around ten meters behind them was a little girl chasing strenuously. On the playground, you might find the girl was in a football team running with other boys. In the hot days, you could enjoy the competitions among the girl and the boys in the swimming pool. Obviously, the girl didn't feel there were differences between girl and boy. She just thought that whatever the boys could do, she could do, even better.
All boys' activities ended when the girl's mother thought her girl should be more like a girl. Books and a piano took the place of those boys, accompanying the girl day after day. She gradually got to the habit of reading early in the morning and playing some pieces after dinner. From kinds of books, she got varieties of knowledge. No matter who is the author or what genre is the work, she picks the useful information and keeps it in mind so that one day she can put it into practice. As for her another friend, piano or music indeed, is like a cure. When her fingers are dancing among the white and black keys, the girl forgets all of her problems.
Growing along with the soothing piano songs and inner can-do spirit, the girl graduated from the best junior high school and entered the best class of the best senior high school in her city. During the 9th grade, she took part in the National Math Competition to show her intelligence. Anyway, she prepared hard for it. While other amazing guys studied two hours per day for the competition, she spent twice time learning. Finally, she did it. The girl did get the third prize which she absolutely deserved it. However, she didn't consider it as her biggest achievement. To be honest, she even more appreciated making friends with three other nice girls. It was through their chats, discussions and debates that the girl generally formulated her views of the world and the values of life.
The most important point of the girl's views is health. To persue money, reputation, social position and other alluring objects, people hardly spend time caring for their health. And the ironically ending is when they are old, owning lots of gold, they can never enjoy the gold because of the unhealthy bodies. So the girl entirely agrees to enjoy the life all the time with a healthy body. Believing that right food makes a strong body, she dreams to be a dietitian. Moreover, given the situation in China that the medical expanses are pretty high, she thinks keeping healthy by eating right food is the easiest and the most efficient. Considering that having the fittest food is also another way to save food, she hopes less food will be wasted so that more can be sent to poor areas especially Sub-Saharan Africa. She's really willing to devote herself to the field of human health.
How do I know so much about the girl? Well, I am the girl exactly. I am the girl named Maojia Wang who is confident and ambitious. Besides, I am the girl who would like to put all her enthusiasts to work for human health and be the greatest dietitian all over the world.
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Besides, I really think the ending is very weak. How to improve it?
Very sweet indeed.
However, a few sentences, All boys' activities ended when the girl's mother thought her girl should be more like a girl.
Considering that having the fittest food is also another way to save food, she hopes less food
The words "girl" and "food" repeat themselves too many times in these lines. They sound like tongue twisters when you read out loud.
To be honest, I'm on your side. But I just can't pick better words.
What if I use 'her baby'? Kind of childish, I think. Or' be more like a lady'? Kind of strange,right?
Considering that having the fittest food is another way to save it, she hopes less grain will be wasted so that more can be sent to poor areas especially Sub-Saharan Africa.
Is this better?
Thanks a lot~!
i like to see details lol...first, i agree with ayida as you usually repeat the words. but it's okay and easy to fix up
the beginning of second para i think you should say two male cousins.
and the second last para... medical expanses should be expenses.. haha
all in all, a very good and comprehensive essay. and i hope you can mix 2nd and 3rd paragraphs up and extend the 4th and 5th a little bit more, especially your indicated academic interest of dietitian, in order that this essay is not only describing such a girl, but also more importantly illustrating such a dream.
about the ending. i do not think it is very weak. It is very concise and resolute. If you want to improve it, you might try :
How do I know so much about the girl? Well, she is right me, Maojia Wang, the tough and resolute girl who always catches up with her peers, the elegant and calm lady who makes friends with books and piano, and the loyal dietitian who dedicates to human health.
or something else better than i write.. i'm really not good at writing...
best lucks,
Zeck
