Enriching, quality learning environment will help me to best achieve my future career goals

In an essay of 300 words, or fewer (approximately 1950 characters with spaces), write about your goals for your time at Queen's University and beyond. Your answer will be evaluated for content and writing style.

I'm not sure how I feel about this. I think that I did well with answering my goals, but I feel as if I need to sell myself more. Thoughts? Improvements?

As a young adult entering post-secondary education, I believe that an enriching, quality learning environment will help me to best achieve my future career goals as a mechanical Engineer. Queen's University is the best place for me to achieve these goals due to it's diverse student body, it's many clubs and groups and it's fantastic group of professors. The Queen's Undergraduate Internship Program has always attracted me to the University, consequently making one of my goals to pursue co-op employment through this program. In doing so, I would gain valuable work experience and education which would assist me in my career as an engineer.

I also wish to improve upon my fantastic time management skills, that I have developed over my secondary school years, at Queen's University. As a current International Baccalaureate student and part-time employee at Staples Canada involved in extra curriculars such as concert band, Wildcat Theatre and producing music at home, I have learned valuable time management skills which have allowed me to achieve academic success. I believe that Queen's University will give me the tools and environment to build on these skills and continue achieving academic success.

Finally, I feel that Queen's gives me an opportunity to develop and improve my leadership skills that I have developed as a leadership camper and camp counsellor at Camp Kawartha in Lakefield over the past 5 years. The skills I have acquired through my experiences leading classes, participating in counsellor and lifeguarding duties and dealing with camper concerns has given me a strong sense of leadership which I feel will be a fantastic contribution to the community at Queen's. I also believe that Queen's will give me the perfect opportunity to take these skills and develop them further through the environment at the University.

For the first paragraph, I can literally switch your school name with any other school. And it would work. Because it's way too generic. "it's many clubs and groups" and "it's fantastic group of professors" are very general phrases. Which clubs are you attracted to? You mentioned theater and music-does Queen have anything for you in those areas?

The Queen's Undergraduate Internship Program has always attracted me to the University, consequently making one of my goals to pursue co-op employment through this program. In doing so, I would gain valuable work experience and education which would assist me in my career as an engineer.

--> This is again, a bit bland. What internship in particular are you attracted to? And this isn't really a goal. It's more of an opportunity. Your goal isn't to do co-op, your goal is to become an engineer. So how will the internship program help you inch closer to your goal? Valuable work experience isn't enough. Are there certain research opportunities you always wanted that this program will give you? Then talk about that.

I also wish to improve upon my fantastic time management skills, that I have developed over my secondary school years, at Queen's University. As a current International Baccalaureate student and part-time employee at Staples Canada involved in extra curriculars such as concert band, Wildcat Theatre and producing music at home, I have learned valuable time management skills which have allowed me to achieve academic success. I believe that Queen's University will give me the tools and environment to build on these skills and continue achieving academic success.

--> Over my secondary school years, I have had to balance my academics with my extracurricular activities-concert band, Wildcat Theater, personal music production. Though a daunting task, I have succeeded in managing my time well, and in doing so, achieving academic success. In Queen's, I hope to build upon my budding time management skills as I tackle even more rigorous academic work and commit myself to college activities.

Finally, I feel that Queen's gives me an opportunity to develop and improve my leadership skills that I have developed as a leadership camper and camp counsellor at Camp Kawartha in Lakefield over the past 5 years. The skills I have acquired through my experiences leading classes, participating in counsellor and lifeguarding duties and dealing with camper concerns has given me a strong sense of leadership which I feel will be a fantastic contribution to the community at Queen's. I also believe that Queen's will give me the perfect opportunity to take these skills and develop them further through the environment at the University.

--> Finally, I feel that Queen's will give me the opportunity to develop and improve my leadership skills. As Camp Counselor at Camp Kawartha in Lakefield, I have lead numerous classes, performed lifeguard duties and acted as a "big brother/sister" to the young campers. Through these experiences, I have acquired a strong sense of leadership, which I know will be a great contribution to the Queen's community. Furthermore, by taking part in xyz (example of an activity or program that will help you enrich your leadership skills), I can develop my leadership skills even further.

Maybe end the essay with a kick *** sentence, like "Queen's is where I can grow."
These edits aren't pro-contributor level so don't hold onto it too much! And I think you would do yourself good if you researched more on the University and spoke more on Engineering. This isn't a place to showoff what you've done, but a platform for you to showcase your dreams, your ambitions. So concentrate on that. Good luck mate :)