I wasn't entirely sure about what type of engineer I want to be - Statment two for UW-Madison

Hi I am planning on transferring to UW-Madison and have never been very good with writing essays. Feedback is greatly appreciated.

The statement is
Tell us why you decided to apply to the University of Wisconsin-Madison. In addition, share with us the academic, extracurricular, or research opportunities you would take advantage of as a student. If applicable, provide details of any circumstance that could have had an impact on your academic performance and/or extracurricular involvement.

At the beginner of my senior year in high school I was certain I wanted to be an engineer, but I wasn't entirely sure about what type of engineering I wanted to go into. I had enrolled in AP Chemistry and little did I know that class would influence my choice in a major. As the year progressed I become more and more fascinated with Chemistry and all the real life applications it has. From being inspired by that class, my appreciation for the fields of math and science, and my continued interest engineering I decided to pursue Chemical Engineering as my major. Even through my first year of college I am continually inspired more and more and know that this is the field for me.

With the University of Wisconsin-Madison being the only place in the state to offer this program and my strong Wisconsin roots this seemed the most logical choice for myself. Along with my ties to the state I also have a desire to continue my studies within the state and to attend a University that has a great sense of pride in whatever it does. These are just some of the many qualities that has drawn me to the UW-Madison. All these great aspects draw in a lot of people but what sets me apart from the rest, to start off I feel that I can contribute a lot to the University community. From joining intramural sports, using all the great resources that this university has to offer, and getting a part-time job are thing I plan on doing while at Madison along with any opportunities are beneficially not only for myself but to the community as a whole. Along with the various opportunities I plan to take part off, I also want to help maintain all the traditions that are part of this University. From rubbing Abe's feet on the top of Bascom hill before an exam to taking part of the "Jump Around" between the third and fourth quarter during home football games.

Justin, you may want to give some extra thought to the reasons why you chose to enroll at UW-Madison. While the overall content of the essay is strong, that particular portion of your response to the prompt could use some extra work. Aside from the extra curricular aspect of university life, you should be able to mention specific academic offerings that you are looking to take advantage of while a student at the university.

Your opening statement is a bit confusing. Are you currently a high school student going into college? Or are you a college student looking to transfer universities? I am not sure which of the two you are because in the first part, you discuss your high school AP Chemistry classes then in the next, you discuss your interest throughout college. Which of the two is it? The advice you receive will also depend upon your current status as a student because as a graduating student, your focus will be different from that of a current college freshman looking to transfer universities. Please clarify that point.

You mentioned that you feel you can contribute a lot to the university community. Can you give any specifics or details as to how you plan to do that? The essay asks you to mention any contributions you can make to the community. This is your opportunity to share your thoughts about that.

There are a few grammar points that need addressing so let me get to that below :-)

At the beginner BEGINNING of my senior year in high school

I had enrolled in AP Chemistry and , little did I know that class would influence my choice in a major.

and to attend a U university

that has drawn me to the UW-Madison

but what sets me apart from the rest IS, to start off, I feel that I can contribute a lot to the U university community.

are thingS

while at Madison , along with any opportunities THAT are beneficially BENEFICIAL not only for TO myself but to the community as a whole.

opportunities I plan to take part off

to taking part of IN the "Jump Around" between the third

@jm, I will wrk on the second paragraph of your essay, first glance of your essay, I must say it's quite short and a few flaws at the beginning of the essay.

Anyway, let's go ahead and make additional enhancement of your essay.

- WithT he University of Wisconsin-Madison
- beingis the only..
- and with my strong Wisconsin roots
- this seemed to be the most logical choice for myself.
-...great sense of pride in whatever it doeseverything they do .
- ...job are among the things I plan on
- opportunities that are beneficially

So we're just done, and my verdict, it's not as strong as an application statement can be. First of all, you have to convince the admissions officer to grant you admission and this means you have to elaborately write your academic background and how this lead you to choosing such a university, next, you have to make sure that you are sure of what you want within the institutions curriculum in order not to waste anybody's time then you can incorporate your essay on talking about your Wisconsin roots and the rest of the essay. However, I know that with the help of EF contributors you will be able to come up with a much stronger admission statement.

Thanks for all helpful comments i really appreciate it.

I will be posting my revised version on here in a little bit