"An entrepreneur at heart" - economics, reasons for transferring, objectives

I left the vibrant city of Lagos, August 2008 to embark on a new journey of my life as a college student. After a year at Penn State University, I was totally convinced that economics was the right career path for me. Being an entrepreneur at heart, I enjoyed the environment of discussing business especially when it interacted with law.

As my passion for business and economics grew, I discovered that while Penn State offered me a great lead way into my initial studies in economics, it didn't offer me the many resources NYU has. The first semester of my sophomore year, I was later informed that the Smeal College of business would be discontinuing its economics program after my year.

I decided that it was time for me to broaden my academic arena and I was not going to be second fiddle by settling and passing by for the rest of my college life. By attending the New York University, I hope to broaden and deepen my knowledge of economics, participate in more lucrative work experiences, get involved in more volunteer work and eventually go on to having a joint JD/MBA degree.

NYU stands out for me because the economics program at the Stern School of Business perfectly matches my academic interests and professional goals, I have the opportunity to be immersed into a dynamic business-oriented community, but at the same time still having that wonderful college experience. At New York University, I will also gain personal and business value by attending the weekly seminars and forums offered by the economics department.

Even though, I have made many good friends at Penn State, and have had great discussions with some wonderful professors, NYU has a lot to offer me as an individual. Being in a more cultural and diverse city atmosphere, where I am stimulated by new ideas and can meet different people from all walks of life with different experiences and backgrounds will help develop my character as a socially conscious human being.

I'm now looking forward to pushing myself to experience new academic, social and spiritual situations that I am yet to be familiar with. I have done well at Penn State, and I am convinced I can meet the academic challenges at NYU with hard work and dedication. At the New York University, I would grow to be intellectually and culturally sound. I would be proud to be a student of such a great institution

i would love ideas on how to improve this essay

Overall your essay have good detail to why you need to transfer, Penn State does not satisfy your need for Economic studies. you also provide them with reasons why NYU is the one. but I think "the non-academic reason for transfering", which is the cultural diversity at NYU, will not appeal to the admission.virtually any university are culturally diverse. Why NYU is any different. I think you should focus on ,may be, your interest of the campus and your wish to make it any better. I know it sounds vague but I hope it help.

Overall, your reasons are quite clear, although I would take the following into consideration:

Firstly, you do mention that after spending a semester at Penn State, you knew Economics was the right field for you. Your main reason for transfer seems to be mainly because of the need for better education as you label it as an "upgrade". I would be careful as to not look down too much at your current school, as it can imply negative image for the tone. I would look into more of an appreciative tone such as "while penn state offered great leadway into my intial studies in Economics, I believe that..." Replace the "upgrade" with "resources" and mention how NYU's specific resources can benefit you.

I would also avoid starting your third paragraph with "My reasons for transferring are almost entirely academic" since it presents you as a less rounded person. Instead, focus on something else other than academics that NYU offers which aren't available at Penn state. Perhaps its a special professor that you want to work with, a business club, or the network/community.

yes it does, thanks guys, i appreciate your input.

Yes, I completely agree with David in that should pull away from the solely-academic reasoning for transferring. Schools like NYU are looking for dynamic, inspired and deep INDIVIDUALS. Your reasons are obviously not all academic. You want the culture of an urban setting. You want the challenge that a school like NYU brings to the table. Emphasize what's NOT academic.

discovered that Penn State was discontinuing its ____________ couldn't offer me opportunities, models and tools I needed to broaden my knowledge of economics and gain a competitive edge in the business world. I think it is not good to say something critical without backing it up. Of course, you do back it up in the next para, but for a moment after the intro para ends, the reader is saying, "Oh, is that right? These are very general and abstract allegations!"

So how about simply ending the first para with the statement that the econ. program was bing discontinued. Then you can use the first sentence of the next para for something different -- some very interesting observation about the truth underlying the events.

:-)

Your revision is significantly better than your initial draft as it reflects detailed reasoning as to why you want to transfer. I particularly like how you made good comparison not undermining Penn state too negatively as it was in your initial draft. Overall a much improved essay, but I would consider rephrasing some sentences such as:

"I was totally convinced.." - How about "Without a doubt, I was convinced". The word "totally" sounds too conversational.

" I was not going to be second fiddle" - Sounds a bit informal, given the context and nature for the application essay.