"Eureka!" feeling. TAMU Topic A Statement of Purpose Industrial Engineering

I'm applying to Texas A&M for Industrial Engineering and I would like some feedback on my essay for Topic A:

Statement of Purpose

I always considered myself as a creative human being. I gravitated towards Legos when I was younger since it allowed me to create anything that I desired. Having opportunities where I can let my mind roam free with endless possibilities is where my mind thrives the most. I also find myself having a natural inclination toward problem-solving and efficiency. This inclination is where I believe my strength in math and science comes from. These characteristics give me the ability to conjure up zany and weird ideas and when I find one that I think is a best fit to solve a problem, I get sort of a "Eureka!" feeling knowing that my own idea actually worked to solve that problem. The successful application of an idea or ideas are what make problem-solving so fascinating and satisfying to me. When I found out that creativity, problem-solving, and making things more efficient is exactly what Industrial Engineers deal with on a daily basis, I knew that becoming an Industrial Engineer was the right fit for me. Just knowing that I have the possibility to get involved in major engineering projects and make the world a much better place as a result of those projects makes me even more hungry to learn more about becoming an engineer.

If I was given the opportunity to go straight to a university after graduating high school instead of attending Lone Star College, I would not take that opportunity. I do not regret my learning experience at Lone Star College because it has given me a taste of what being an engineering major will entail. Calculus, Physics, and an Intro to Engineering course seemed like a daunting challenge for me but after completing these courses, I can say that I have the foundation and tools necessary to be successful to study Industrial Engineering at Texas A&M. Not only did Lone Star College provide valuable groundwork for my future in education, it also made me into the kind of person and student that I am today. In high school, I lacked the ambition and drive to pursue my education and as a result, my grades suffered. At Lone Star however, the difference was night and day. My professors genuinely cared about me succeeding in their class and just the overall environment of the college was more learner-friendly for me. I thank Lone Star College for reigniting the fire inside me to learn more and I firmly believe that they have prepared me for the next step in my college career.

Why did I choose Texas A&M? I thought about my future in terms of my career after school and came to the conclusion that this university is the right fit for me. Texas A&M's engineering college consistently ranks as having some of the top public undergraduate engineering programs in the country according to the U.S. News & World Report and it ranks second in the country in undergraduate enrollment according to the American Society for Engineering Education. I know that I'll be in good hands under the tutelage of award-winning professor Alfredo Garcia due to his Ph.D. in Industrial and Operations Engineering. It would also be a privilege to learn from Natarajan Gautam as he received the Texas A&M-IISE Most Influential Faculty Award and his research being published in a numerous amount of publications. Having the privilege to put Texas A&M University on my resume indicates to my potential employers that I received a strong education from one of the top schools in the country and it sets me above the rest of potential candidates. Another attractive feature of this prestigious university is the sense of camaraderie and companionship that exudes from the student body. Even just the simple "Howdy!" makes it seem like everyone is part of one big family. It would truly be an honor to be a part of the Aggie culture and be the first one in my family to do so.

Thomas, having read the whole essay twice, I can safely say that I cannot find an actual purpose in your presentation in relation to industrial engineering. I mean, where is the reason? Is there a statement of purpose prompt that you are responding to which you forgot to include with this essay? If so then you should have provided it along with your writing. In truth, what you wrote is more of a personal statement and a transfer statement rather than a statement of purpose. Unless, you are writing a statement of purpose for university transfer? There are so many ways that a college statement of purpose can go that I need to first be clear about the type of statement of purpose for college that you are supposed to be writing.

If you are writing this as a simple statement of purpose, then you did not do a very good job because, like I previously mentioned, you did not really explain why you want to become and industrial engineer aside from your belief that this career will be a good fit for you. If I were writing this essay, the "Eureka!" moment would have been a stand alone paragraph that contained the reason / purpose for my desire to become an industrial engineer. I would have used that moment to explain why I believe this career is for me based upon a forward thinking idea related to the profession that I believe can change the way the work is discharged within the profession. That would be the reason why I would wish to pursue this course as a college degree at the moment. Right now, that is sorely missing in this essay.

@Holt
Yes, I am supposed to be writing a statement of purpose as a transfer student. I apologize, I should have been more clear. Are the second and third paragraphs fine? Or should I revise the entire essay?

Hi Tomas. Thanks for the clarification. I was able to get special permission from the powers that be to come back to this thread to give you just one more piece of advice for the improvement of your transfer SOP. You actually have a good start here. It gave me a good idea as to how you can better improve the presentation of your 2 pronged SOP. Let's start with your actual purpose in relation to your studies at Lone Star college first.

It would be best to first show the reviewer that you are passionate about becoming an industrial engineer in the first paragraph. The first paragraph should highlight why you have chosen this career for yourself. Think of what industrial engineering means to you, how your interest in it has affected your life, and how you plan to help create further improvements in this field upon graduation. Surely you have an ambitious pet project in mind that you have been nursing all these years as your interest developed in the field, use that as the Eureka moment I previously mentioned. What I am about to say is of huge importance to this type of essay, be specific about your after graduation plans that represent the purpose for your desire to study this course. What kind of industrial engineer do you want to be and why?

After that, start a second paragraph that best illustrates how the Lone Star College has helped you lay down a strong foundation for your eventual transfer to a 4 year version of the course. Highlight the classes you excelled in that relate to your chosen major. Towards the end of the paragraph, explain why you feel that even with these successes, you have come to realize that the college can only take you so far in your career development quest.

Your weakest points now becomes the reason as to why you chose to transfer to Texas A&M. Kick off this paragraph with a reference to where Lone Star ends with your college education and Texas A&M will pick up. You don't need to go back to a high school discussion. Stick to the immediate past and your present academic achievements. Consider how Lone Star can help you further develop your skills and other talents.

You are name dropping too many professors and mentioning their accomplishments, which doesn't serve a purpose since the reviewer will be more than familiar with everything you mentioned in this paragraph. You should instead, be looking for reasons that go beyond the obvious reasons. Think of your current academic goals. What do you want to learn as a student? How does A&M respond to your quest for knowledge? What are your academic goals? How does it tie in with the A&M objectives? What similarities do your ambitions and the university track record have that makes you a fit for the university?

In the end, this essay will benefit the most from your being able to justify how your academic interests will be best served by Texas A&M and your social development will develop to its fullest potential as well. However, you need to make the social development part a separate paragraph as well. Now, because of the additional paragraph, you will have to consider the maximum word requirement and then adjust the content of your essay in order to meet the word requirement in a manner that allows you best explain the points mentioned above.